Hip Hop Forum

Posted: **Tue Jun 14, 2011 1:35 am**

I got 1 empty wallet, 2 holes in my pockets,
I’m 4 pounds thinner cuz of 3 more problems,
called breakfast lunch and dinner,
I’ma get my shit together, I can make it through the summer,
it’s the winter I can’t weather,
with the holes in my jacket and no soles in my sneakers,
I am not about to be broke while it’s cold with no heater,
so I’ll rap till I get signed and go back till that shit’s mine,
they’ll think my car is broke the way it’s always at the meter,
I am not goin home whether hail sleet or snow,
I’m lookin for a yes and not a hell freakin no,
so I’ll tell you right here I am motivated by fear,
when all my friends got careers makin x amount a year,
I’m makin 7 bucks an hour takin 30 second showers,
cuz I can’t afford to pay for water and to pay for power,
it’s been about an hour since I ducked behind the flowers,
and waited for security to leave the counter,
I’m cravin a record deal I’m a sly mothafucker,
I’m walkin up in here I’m getting signed one way or another

Posted: **Tue Jun 14, 2011 5:20 am**

Seansprague13 wrote:I got 1 empty wallet, 2 holes in my pockets,
I just about busted into an alanis song lol.
I’m 4 pounds thinner cuz of 3 more problems,
called breakfast lunch and dinner,
I’ma get my shit together, I can make it through the summer,
it’s the winter I can’t weather,
I like the simplicity in this, as well as the use of cross over rhymes.
with the holes in my jacket and no soles in my sneakers,
I am not about to be broke while it’s cold with no heater,
so I’ll rap till I get signed and go back till that shit’s mine,
I lost the flow on this last line. The rhyme scheme seemed to be building up, but then took a crap without a crossover rhyme.
they’ll think my car is broke the way it’s always at the meter,
I am not goin home whether hail sleet or snow,
I’m lookin for a yes and not a hell freakin no,
so I’ll tell you right here I am motivated by fear,
when all my friends got careers makin x amount a year,
I’m makin 7 bucks an hour takin 30 second showers,
cuz I can’t afford to pay for water and to pay for power,
it’s been about an hour since I ducked behind the flowers,
and waited for security to leave the counter,
I’m cravin a record deal I’m a sly mothafucker,
I’m walkin up in here I’m getting signed one way or another
I wasn't really feeling the "mother fucker" use. Kinda threw me off. The rhyme scheme could use some beefing up, but its not a bad post at all for a first man, keep dropping.

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Posted: **Tue Jun 14, 2011 7:38 am**

I saw what you were saying. Can't give ya too much hell cause it was a fun verse... Some parts threw me off. Panda basically called them out.. Overall not a bad drop.

Posted: **Wed Jun 15, 2011 5:25 am**

This was fun to read. Lost the flow in a few parts but it picked up nicely after.

I’m makin 7 bucks an hour takin 30 second showers,
cuz I can’t afford to pay for water and to pay for power,

These lines up here were dope for me for some reason. ^^^^

Thanks for the drop. keep writing.

Posted: **Wed Jun 15, 2011 6:08 am**

Thanks guys. I appreciate the constructive criticism.

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

Posted: **Wed Jun 15, 2011 6:51 am**

liked it man.. tighten up the scheme and the flow and you got a decent 16 here

favorite line
i got 1 empty wallet, 2 holes in my pockets,
I’m 4 pounds thinner cuz of 3 more problems,

that second line read and flowed tighter than shit.. like the play on numbers

keep on dropping man

Hip Hop Forum

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