Hip Hop Forum

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/sickn ... 22738.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/short ... 22741.html


Take a blood bath, headless hen
Drown in a pool of blood still boiling
Your kind desecrated all earthly wisdom
Follow the herd to hell, with all ya nay saying
Flaws in the regime, 'll have ya captivated
I'll have a requiem, for all those that deviated
Break your slate, stop being a slave that's jaded
Stop being blind, cause ya ignorance is blatant
The water, the earth and the heavens need a cleansing
Fire instilled in mans heart, needs a reawakening
Take in all the putrid fairy tales with no end
It's suicide, it's war of an unholy kind breathren
Trow aside all the petty thoughts you've created
Look at the bigger pic 'n recognize greatness
Rid ya self of earthly emotions weakened patriot
I show ya what great is, I'll trow all heathens in the snake pit

-- Sun Jun 12, 2011 8:54 pm --

can i get some crit pls

this was a quick key ....
and it's a little bit biblic mixed with real life facts
but I like crypted stuff
so you might not get the full meaning of everything
but if you keep thinking of what i said it wont be so blant and dry anymore
it will be wet like a fresh pool of blood

Some parts lacked an effective rhyme scheme.. You had some cool vocab, which is always a plus for me, so props on that. I say just work to get that flow smoothed out, man.

yeah i got to agree with what was said before.. but more critiques would be; more aggressive rhymes with multiples matching syllables.. punches and meta4s would add some flavor to it.. and maybe writing with purpose behind bars

but besides that it was pretty good with plently of room for improvement

keep it up man

Thks for the honest crit guys... really apreciate it !!!

( Defiance )
I will try to work on my meta's and multi's next time
and also write about a good topic....

I can see now that this was still to basic
and I'm rusty as Hell

I need to go and write a lot more
to be up to par with most ppl here!!!! Thks

I think this is good man i mean its not somethin GREAT but definatly worth throwin it to a beat. Could be a good track with a little touching up. 1

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

Thks for the feedback Mesar and Kause

@ Mesar, yeah it doesnt really sound like a rap
but more like a spoken word if you look at it that way

@ Kause I wrote it to a horrorcore beat
and i always write to a beat, but my flow is allways a bit off
but that's cause I dont know how to put everything in words all that good
I really have to work on my wording and the way I build a sentence

thks

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