Hip Hop Forum

When i was born i wasnt even wanted my Father left before i came out/
So i guess you can just call him my Sperm Donner cause he left after his Cum came out/
When i started growning i blamed my Mother for me not having a Father/
But it was the Old Snots falt cause his importance was gettin Farther and Farther/
By time i was 7 i had devloped Anger Probelms/
I got into fights every week and was never in class/
I didnt give a shit anymore i had no fear of death/
The only thing i cared about was selling cause i wanted the wealth/

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

i feel the emotion your trying to express but
you coulda did it better...
you rhymed came out with came out...

idk... its better then your other shit...
slowly getting better...
and dont let that go to your head cuz you got
a few miles to go before your shit...

this was pretty basic
you should think your lines over
so you can put your thought to word even better
but i feel where yo're coming from with this

keep it up

1

Thanks for the feed everyone.

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

Now, I don't blow smoke up anyone's ass, I tell em how I really feel. This shit coulda came way harder, my guy. And it's not something that's really hard to achieve, you just gotta spend a little time with your pieces, spice them up and give some variants in the flow. Like, came out rhyming with came out, that just threw me off, bruh. Or anger problems with never in class. It isn't always all about rhyme, and I can appreciate the depth of emotion I see here, but it is about HOW you say it if you can't see how to rhyme it. Just work on that stuff man. Time.

This was a good start. I think if you keep the same train of thought and run with it you can really bring across what your really tryna say. I digg the realness of it and i believe you so far, let me see what else you got.
PEACE

i think controlled emotion is the best tool a writer has. i'm seeing raw emotion in the piece for sure bro, so i think if you use this as a rough draft and work on the rhymes you can turn it into a really tight verse

Thanks everyone for the feed ill have the whole thing up on PART 2. Im thinking of recording this any feed on what i should change

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

Creative ...love the realness...pops wuz bogus on my end to...gud drop....more!

[ Post made via Android ]

So, this was 'okay' it wasn't long to get your point across anyway, it was decent, but i'm sure if you were to re-write it you could bring along more heat

-- Tue Jun 21, 2011 2:12 pm --

So, this was 'okay' it wasn't long to get your point across anyway, it was decent, but i'm sure if you were to re-write it you could bring along more heat

Thanks for the feed. Uppin for some more feedback

[ Post made via iPhone ]

First couple bars are real but very direct. As everyones said its short but pretty good. Stay up bro

[ Post made via iPhone ]