Hip Hop Forum

Can I get some FEED on this no show verse, PLEASE?!? Honestly, it's one of the battle verses that I'm very proud of, and I havent had any feed on it...

Thanks...

Ayo...

This isn't some fucking game-now, 'hit the road, Jack', cuz that's where your remains-found
After these shots get familiar with that same-sound, and I toss Jack around like kid's-at-a-playground!!!
http://www.gameskidsplay.net/games/jack ... /jacks.htm

I'm going to get this shit-out-the-way-now, you better aim for Murk cuz you dont wanna be some punk~deserter
Or we'll see 'Jack's hammer fall to concrete' quicker than that of a 'construction~worker'!!!
http://www.clipartheaven.com/clipart/co ... hammer.gif

Ya relatives in sights, I'll dump~ya~brother, mother, sister, they'll be like, why you in-the-family,-traitor?
Even my red dot will Mark Jack's 'Son' for a retirement from life, like he was the Indiana-Pacer!!!
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/ ... /index.htm

Illest will celebrate when this 'fag~get's~choked, Im here to tell ya'll, that's not such a massive~throat
He's a passive~hoe, he wood 'get laid' to rest in this match, so we can witness a 'Jack~Elope'!!!
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JemHDK-D_3Y/T ... kalope.jpg

Its time I bash~a~pro, smashin~foes with raps that's tactical, punches leave you so sore-you'll-fallback
It seems the only time I fucking hear about Jax wins is when I'm playing Mortal-Kombat!!!!
http://www.mortalkombatwarehouse.com/mkda/jax/bio2.gif

Ya girl even be like, "This boy-is-all-that", when referring to Murk, got an ace up my sleeve for this 'fat~cat'
'Big ass pussy', I got the mac-strapped for this cracker's ass, or is it a game to say ya Black~Jack?!?
Read this link for the personal - http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/here- ... 18223.html

Murk got the gas~mashed, full throttle, I got the eagle eye sight to rewrite you past-physics
More rabid than any tiger in the woods can come, while ya old ass is DONE, Jack-Nicklaus!!!
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... ff411ba3cc

And this match-is-it, greatest battle Illest seen? Shit... To win this dude gonna need~a~Mac
I'm gonna hook him up and slice his throat, so to show in this, you gonna need a speaker~ Jack!!!
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... 2d5069198a

All these fans, you gonna have to beat~'em~back, honestly I wanna murder you, so it's past-fuck-you
Dogg, only thing you might bury is a bone, and that's if you morph into a Jack-Russell!!!
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... 9990267dfb

They gon' be like Murk's class-crushed-you, punches making sure these attacks~finish~him
His old ass is two faced, fuckin joker isn't ready to be up to bat, man, Jack~Nicholson!!!
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... 56941887f2

I'm about my 'cash'~dividends, while this dude isn't making any 'cents', Murk's about to be endin-yo-reign
Someone asks if I know this dude, I say "I Don't Know Jack" like Im referring to the fucking video-game!!!
http://ts3.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... a229cf2614

These lines like coke, straight hittin-yo-brain, I'll pop this white head like a pimple,~fag
Murk bring that TrOPIC THUNDER, while the 'retard' only seeing stars if he's in fact SIMPLE~JACK!!!
http://ts4.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... 9b294630a1
(Tropic Thunder is a movie, Simple Jack was in that movie)

Every bar in this bitch was fucking stellar, bruh. I was high as hell reading it and laughed the whole way through. Fuckin a. Lmfao @

Its time I bash~a~pro, smashin~foes with raps that's tactical, punches leave you so sore-you'll-fallback
It seems the only time I fucking hear about Jax wins is when I'm playing Mortal-Kombat!!!!

Sick punches all around,

Ya girl even be like, "This boy-is-all-that", when referring to Murk, got an ace up my sleeve for this 'fat~cat'
'Big ass pussy', I got the mac-strapped for this cracker's ass, or is it a game to say ya Black~Jack?!?
(DOPE)


Lol shit would go hard as a lil audio diss track.

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

this shits super aw man. read it a million times...
You woulda smoked him...
Punches every line. Hella personals
Flow on key...

Nothing bad at all about this

I really appreciate the feed.

Anyone have time for a bar by bar? Just wondering what didnt connect so well, and what did... Helps me in future 'battle' drops.

This is bs. I took a half hour leavin feed for this. Smh

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

This isn't some fucking game-now, 'hit the road, Jack', cuz that's where your remains-found
After these shots get familiar with that same-sound, and I toss Jack around like kid's-at-a-playground!!!

1 bar knockout kid..nice shit

yo you come with that fire all the time man, hopefully you bring shit like that for our combo battle..

punches killing fools good shit man

to the newbies above me^^ here's what u missed..


FIRST OF ALL, YOU SHOULDNT NEED TO POST LINKS AFTER EVERY SINGLE BAR U WRITE. THAT TO ME, SHOWS NOTHING BUT FORCED PERSONALS AND NAMEPLAYS THAT ONLY YOU YOURSELF GET. IF U WORD UR BARS CORRECTLY U WOULDNT NEED ALL THOSE UNNECESSARY LINKS THAT I GUARANTEE NO ONE CLICK ON..

NOW, TO THE VERSE...

This isn't some fucking game-now, 'hit the road, Jack', cuz that's where your remains-found
After these shots get familiar with that same-sound, and I toss Jack around like kid's-at-a-playground!!!

1ST LINE: "HIT THE ROAD JACK" - I ALREADY USED THIS CONCEPT IN A MUCH HARDER HITTING WAY, SO Y USE IT AGAIN? BE ORIGINAL..
2ND LINE: FLOW WAS CHOPPY AS HELL. IF UR GONNA SPIT 2 SYLLABLE MULTIS U SHOULD INCORPORATE MUCH MORE OF THEN INTO UR BAR, ESP SINCE ITS PRETTY EASY TO RHYME WITH ONLY TWO SYLLABLES. "KIDS-AT-A" < WHY DO THOSE WORDS HAVE -DASHES- IN THEM AS IF UR CONNECTING A MULTI? ONLY THING THAT RHYMED WAS THE "PLAYGROUND". THAT CONFUSES THE READER.
THE PUNCH WAS OKAY.. IT WASNT WORDED GOOD AT ALL..

I'm going to get this shit-out-the-way-now, you better aim for Murk cuz you dont wanna be some punk~deserter
^^ MAKES NO SENSE..

Or we'll see 'Jack's hammer fall to concrete' quicker than that of a 'construction~worker'!!!
http://www.clipartheaven.com/clipart/co ... hammer.gif
JACK'S HAMMER IS A BIT OF A STRETCH, CUZ ITS PRONOUNCED JACK HAMMER, NOT "JACKS". ALSO, "JACKS HAMMER FALL TO CONCRETE" IS WORDED TERRIBLY. THAT LITERALLY MAKES NO SENSE. TOO FORCED. I GET THE PUNCH BUT IT WAS MEH... I DIDNT LIKE HOW U SAID "QUICKER THAN THAT OF A" < THAT DOES NOT FLOW AND TAKES AWAY A LOT FROM THE PUNCH.


Ya relatives in sights, I'll dump~ya~brother, mother, sister, they'll be like, why you in-the-family,-traitor?
^THIS NEEDS MORE RHYMING WORDS.. AGAIN, WHY HAVE "DUMP~YA~BROTHER" CONNECTED? NO NEED TO CONNECT THEM WITH " ~ " CUZ "DUMP YA BROTHER" RHYMES WITH NOTHING..
"IN THE FAMILY, TRAITOR"?? THATS THE BEST MULTI U CAN COME UP WITH? FORCED.

Even my red dot will Mark Jack's 'Son' for a retirement from life, like he was the Indiana-Pacer!!!

IM A BASKETBALL BUFF, I KNOW WHO MARK JACKSON IS, BUT IT WASNT HARD HITTING. UR FLOW WAS MISSING 100%. "MY RED DOT WILL MARK JACKS SON FOR A RETIREMENT FROM LIFE LIKE HE WAS THE" PHEW... U NEED TO RHYME IN THIS LINE MORE..


Illest will celebrate when this 'fag~get's~choked, Im here to tell ya'll, that's not such a massive~throat

A "MASSIVE THROAT"? I DONT GET IT...

He's a passive~hoe, he wood 'get laid' to rest in this match, so we can witness a 'Jack~Elope'!!!

NEEDS TO BE REWORDED TO SOMETHING LIKE, "U WOULDNT SEE JACK ELOPE IF HE WAS GETTIN LAID-TO-REST" SEE HOW MUCH BETTER THAT FLOWS? AND THE PUNCH HITS 10X HARDER.

Its time I bash~a~pro, smashin~foes with raps that's tactical, punches leave you so sore-you'll-fallback

^MUCH BETTER. MULTIS WERE GOOD. FLOW WAS ON POINT. MUCH BETTER JOB HERE. A BIT FILLER, BUT O'WELL.. WE ALL DO IT.

It seems the only time I fucking hear about Jax wins is when I'm playing Mortal-Kombat!!!!

AGAIN, NEEDS TO BE REWORDED. SOMETHING LIKE:

Jack, I'll Leave Ya GORED-LIKE-BOBCATS And Leave Ya "Head Wit Lumps" You'll Needa SPORT-A-TOPHAT..
Ya Fake Like Barbies, Ya HARDLY-REAL Cuz We Wouldnt See "Jax ARMED-WIT-STEEL" If This Was MORTAL-KOMBAT!!

(JAX'S ARMS WERE MADE OF STEEL... STEEL/GUNS)
SEE HOW MUCH BETTER THAT IS? U GOTTA TWEAK IT A LITTLE. MAKE THE CONCEPT MORE HARD HITTING. AND THE FLOW WAS PERFECT.


Ya girl even be like, "This boy-is-all-that",
^^DOESNT RHYME WITH "MORTAL KOMBAT"^^


when referring to Murk, got an ace up my sleeve for this 'fat~cat'
'Big ass pussy', I got the mac-strapped for this cracker's ass, or is it a game to say ya Black~Jack?!?

EHH, I ALREADY USED THE BLACK PERSONALS ON JACK. TOO MUCH ACTUALLY. THINK OF SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

Murk got the gas~mashed, full throttle, I got the eagle eye sight to rewrite you past-physics

NO. FILLER. MADE NO SENSE.

More rabid than any tiger in the woods can come, while ya old ass is DONE, Jack-Nicklaus!!!

AGAIN, NO. "JACK NICKLAUS" DOESNT RHYME WITH "PAST-PHYSICS"
ESP. SINCE JACK-NICKLAUS ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE 4 SYLLABLES.. AND ACTUALLY, JACK NICKLAUS IS STILL A SICK GOLFER.


And this match-is-it, greatest battle Illest seen? Shit... To win this dude gonna need~a~Mac
I'm gonna hook him up and slice his throat, so to show in this, you gonna need a speaker~ Jack!!!

AND AGAIN, I ALREADY USED THIS CONCEPT, IT A MUCH NICER WAY. DONT COPY OFF ME UR FLOW WAS STREEEETCHED LIKE UR MOMS BELLY DUDE.. U NEEDA INCORPORATE MUCH MORE RHYMES N MULTIS.

All these fans, you gonna have to beat~'em~back, honestly I wanna murder you, so it's past-fuck-you

TERRIBLE MULTI.

Dogg, only thing you might bury is a bone, and that's if you morph into a Jack-Russell!!!

EW. NO. NOT HARD HITTING. WORDING WAS AWFUL.

They gon' be like Murk's class-crushed-you, punches making sure these attacks~finish~him
His old ass is two faced, fuckin joker isn't ready to be up to bat, man, Jack~Nicholson!!!

THIS WAS UR BEST BAR BY FAR. WHICH ISNT THAT GREAT CUZ THIS WAS A UNIVERSAL PUNCH. UNIVERSALS SHOULDNT BE UR STRONGEST BAR.. I SEE THAT U USED THE NAME "JACK NICHOLSON" HOWEVER IT HAS NOTHING TO DO DIRECTLY WITH JACK DA RIPPER.. ALL U DID WAS USE THE NAME JACK. SEE WHAT IM SAYING? THAT PUNCH WOULD BEEN DIRECTED TOWARDS ANYONE.

I'm about my 'cash'~dividends, while this dude isn't making any 'cents', Murk's about to be endin-yo-reign
Someone asks if I know this dude, I say "I Don't Know Jack" like Im referring to the fucking video-game!!!

NOT BAD. COULDA BEEN WORDED BETTER.

These lines like coke, straight hittin-yo-brain, I'll pop this white head like a pimple,~fag
Murk bring that TrOPIC THUNDER, while the 'retard' only seeing stars if he's in fact SIMPLE~JACK!!!

I ALREADY USED A TROPIC THUNDER LINE, YES I KNOW THEY WERE DIFFERENT CONCEPTS BUT STILL...



OVERALL THIS WASNT THAT GREAT. U NEEDA TAKE MORE TIME AND REALLY WORD UR BARS SO THE PUNCH STANDS OUT. SEEMS LIKE U BRAINSTORMED THE NAMEPLAY AND JUS RUSHED THE LINES. AND U REALLY DONT WANNA RUSH AGAINST JDR. CUZ IM PRETTY SURE HE WOULD HAVE ATEN UR VERSE UP HAD HE HAVE SHOWED.

THIS IS JUST SOME CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. U WANTED A BAR BY BAR BREAKDOWN AND THIS IS IT. IM SURE U WOULD WANT SOMEONE OF MY CALIBER TO DO THIS, SO TAKE THIS AS A TIP, NOT HATE...OKAY?

Im not. Thanks for the feed.

i agree with most of what scott james said, of course im not as harsh as he is when it comes to making judgements lol, i dont think it was bad at all, but i could definitely see the errors, i dont think it would be enough to beat jack had he showed but if u cleaned it up a bit and fixed a few lines it would probably match up pretty well

nice post man...
flow was kool by me and superb vocab..
multies good

this was fire drop!

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

Thanks for the feed.

Kuhlerblynd wrote:Can I get some FEED on this no show verse, PLEASE?!? Honestly, it's one of the battle verses that I'm very proud of, and I havent had any feed on it...

Thanks...

Ayo...

This isn't some fucking game-now, 'hit the road, Jack', cuz that's where your remains-found
After these shots get familiar with that same-sound, and I toss Jack around like kid's-at-a-playground!!!
http://www.gameskidsplay.net/games/jack ... /jacks.htm

Yes. I actually read this piece and really liked this line the first time around.

I'm going to get this shit-out-the-way-now, you better aim for Murk cuz you dont wanna be some punk~deserter
Or we'll see 'Jack's hammer fall to concrete' quicker than that of a 'construction~worker'!!!
http://www.clipartheaven.com/clipart/co ... hammer.gif

Bang, another great one.

Ya relatives in sights, I'll dump~ya~brother, mother, sister, they'll be like, why you in-the-family,-traitor?
Even my red dot will Mark Jack's 'Son' for a retirement from life, like he was the Indiana-Pacer!!!
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/ ... /index.htm

Good concepts, but...them son lines are rarely good.

Illest will celebrate when this 'fag~get's~choked, Im here to tell ya'll, that's not such a massive~throat
He's a passive~hoe, he wood 'get laid' to rest in this match, so we can witness a 'Jack~Elope'!!!
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JemHDK-D_3Y/T ... kalope.jpg

Not bad. Not great.

Its time I bash~a~pro, smashin~foes with raps that's tactical, punches leave you so sore-you'll-fallback
It seems the only time I fucking hear about Jax wins is when I'm playing Mortal-Kombat!!!!
http://www.mortalkombatwarehouse.com/mkda/jax/bio2.gif

Not a great reference, bu the wordplay works nicely.

Ya girl even be like, "This boy-is-all-that", when referring to Murk, got an ace up my sleeve for this 'fat~cat'
'Big ass pussy', I got the mac-strapped for this cracker's ass, or is it a game to say ya Black~Jack?!?
Read this link for the personal - http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/here- ... 18223.html

Nah.

Murk got the gas~mashed, full throttle, I got the eagle eye sight to rewrite you past-physics
More rabid than any tiger in the woods can come, while ya old ass is DONE, Jack-Nicklaus!!!
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... ff411ba3cc

Missed that one.

And this match-is-it, greatest battle Illest seen? Shit... To win this dude gonna need~a~Mac
I'm gonna hook him up and slice his throat, so to show in this, you gonna need a speaker~ Jack!!!
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... 2d5069198a

Decent.

All these fans, you gonna have to beat~'em~back, honestly I wanna murder you, so it's past-fuck-you
Dogg, only thing you might bury is a bone, and that's if you morph into a Jack-Russell!!!
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... 9990267dfb

Ok. Do we have to have a link to everything!

They gon' be like Murk's class-crushed-you, punches making sure these attacks~finish~him
His old ass is two faced, fuckin joker isn't ready to be up to bat, man, Jack~Nicholson!!!
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... 56941887f2

Again?

I'm about my 'cash'~dividends, while this dude isn't making any 'cents', Murk's about to be endin-yo-reign
Someone asks if I know this dude, I say "I Don't Know Jack" like Im referring to the fucking video-game!!!
http://ts3.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... a229cf2614

Good.

These lines like coke, straight hittin-yo-brain, I'll pop this white head like a pimple,~fag
Murk bring that TrOPIC THUNDER, while the 'retard' only seeing stars if he's in fact SIMPLE~JACK!!!
http://ts4.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... 9b294630a1
(Tropic Thunder is a movie, Simple Jack was in that movie)

A bit too complex.

I think you could have been more direct and a little less sketchy with the nameplay. Other than that, it was pretty entertaining, and it shows that you're becoming more structured with your punchlines since I've last seen. I still like you as a writer better or without the nameplay. Maybe I'm just biased to that type of style.

Kuhlerblynd wrote:I really appreciate the feed.

Anyone have time for a bar by bar? Just wondering what didnt connect so well, and what did... Helps me in future 'battle' drops.

i got you for the bar on bar, if u can return the favor with tournament battle --- of course after its over so i know what to work on as well... and im going bar for bar breakdown right now

-- Thu Jun 02, 2011 7:05 pm --

Kuhlerblynd wrote:Can I get some FEED on this no show verse, PLEASE?!? Honestly, it's one of the battle verses that I'm very proud of, and I havent had any feed on it...

Thanks...

Ayo...

This isn't some fucking game-now, 'hit the road, Jack', cuz that's where your remains-found
After these shots get familiar with that same-sound, and I toss Jack around like kid's-at-a-playground!!!
http://www.gameskidsplay.net/games/jack ... /jacks.htm
ehh - wording could have done it better.
I'm going to get this shit-out-the-way-now, you better aim for Murk cuz you dont wanna be some punk~deserter
Or we'll see 'Jack's hammer fall to concrete' quicker than that of a 'construction~worker'!!!
http://www.clipartheaven.com/clipart/co ... hammer.gif
first line huh? and 2nd line u threw a nice punch, but wording here is messed up as well
Ya relatives in sights, I'll dump~ya~brother, mother, sister, they'll be like, why you in-the-family,-traitor?
Even my red dot will Mark Jack's 'Son' for a retirement from life, like he was the Indiana-Pacer!!!
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/ ... /index.htm
this was ok, like the concept
Illest will celebrate when this 'fag~get's~choked, Im here to tell ya'll, that's not such a massive~throat
He's a passive~hoe, he wood 'get laid' to rest in this match, so we can witness a 'Jack~Elope'!!!
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JemHDK-D_3Y/T ... kalope.jpg
i like
Its time I bash~a~pro, smashin~foes with raps that's tactical, punches leave you so sore-you'll-fallback
It seems the only time I fucking hear about Jax wins is when I'm playing Mortal-Kombat!!!!
http://www.mortalkombatwarehouse.com/mkda/jax/bio2.gif
cool concept, ok punch, would have been harder if worded better
Ya girl even be like, "This boy-is-all-that", when referring to Murk, got an ace up my sleeve for this 'fat~cat'
'Big ass pussy', I got the mac-strapped for this cracker's ass, or is it a game to say ya Black~Jack?!?
Read this link for the personal - http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/here- ... 18223.html
again wording hurt ya, nice concept - ok punch
Murk got the gas~mashed, full throttle, I got the eagle eye sight to rewrite you past-physics
More rabid than any tiger in the woods can come, while ya old ass is DONE, Jack-Nicklaus!!!
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... ff411ba3cc
nah - wording is all over the place, really forced
And this match-is-it, greatest battle Illest seen? Shit... To win this dude gonna need~a~Mac
I'm gonna hook him up and slice his throat, so to show in this, you gonna need a speaker~ Jack!!!
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... 2d5069198a
dope concept - again wording took away from this cuz it could have hit hard, but the wording made it weak
All these fans, you gonna have to beat~'em~back, honestly I wanna murder you, so it's past-fuck-you
Dogg, only thing you might bury is a bone, and that's if you morph into a Jack-Russell!!!
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... 9990267dfb
haha - some may not like this, i thought it was dope... but take the word Dogg outta there kinda makes it predictable, still dope
They gon' be like Murk's class-crushed-you, punches making sure these attacks~finish~him
His old ass is two faced, fuckin joker isn't ready to be up to bat, man, Jack~Nicholson!!!
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... 56941887f2
Cool concept, wording makes it sound so forced, ehh at best
I'm about my 'cash'~dividends, while this dude isn't making any 'cents', Murk's about to be endin-yo-reign
Someone asks if I know this dude, I say "I Don't Know Jack" like Im referring to the fucking video-game!!!
http://ts3.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... a229cf2614
haha dope
These lines like coke, straight hittin-yo-brain, I'll pop this white head like a pimple,~fag
Murk bring that TrOPIC THUNDER, while the 'retard' only seeing stars if he's in fact SIMPLE~JACK!!!
http://ts4.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail ... 9b294630a1
(Tropic Thunder is a movie, Simple Jack was in that movie)

nahh weak way to close it. wordplay was there, wording was off, seemed forced






Ok as feed, This could have been so dope, only thing hurting you was the wording, you had the wordplay & you had the concepts, but the wording all around just hurt this drop, no offense, just work on the wording because everything else is there but you need the execution.

Hope this did the justice as for feedback you were looking for, of course im no pro, but yeah its the best advice i can give.