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things that are on my mind
Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 6:59 am
by Ted Bundey
not finished just wanted to get some feed on anything i needed to fix
I wake up every morning wishin to die/
but i dont so i put this knife in my black eye/
keep on bulling me i dont care if you push or hit me i aint gonna cry/
cause right now im so fucking high/
how can the government spend money we aint got/
and cut the budget on schools which we need alot/
how come we can help out haiti and Japan/
but when america needs help everyone turns away and alone we stand/
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/succe ... 21608.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/tommo ... 21576.html
Re: things that are on my mind
Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 7:05 am
by Grim
this is too short for me to really comment on but here it goes...it was basic and simple on the rhyme scheme..so was content but not bad for a new drop....try to use more complex rhyme schemes and vocab....use multies and more relevant concepts..respect though..keep it up
Re: things that are on my mind
Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 7:06 am
by Alvin
teddybear wrote:
I wake up every morning wishin to die/
but i dont so i put this knife in my black eye/
Simple... I hope this is just writing and not true feelings.
kept on bulling me i dont care if you push or hit me i aint gonna cry/
cause right now im so fucking high/
the flow is off, but its very basic, not a whole lot going on, take a stab or two at imagery.
how can the government spend money we aint got/
and cut the budget on schools which we need alot/
Its kind of all over the place and still basic, very good points here in which you can expand on.
how come we can help out haiti and Japan/
but when america needs help everyone turns away and alone we stand/
The truth is saddening, but your not getting the idea off correctly. Try slipping in more metaphors so it captivates some. Decent for your first little drop, but no real wow factors. Keep dropping teddy
Re: things that are on my mind
Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 7:08 am
by Ted Bundey
panda the first line is true and ill try to expand when i record the whole song for my mixtape
Re: things that are on my mind
Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 7:14 am
by 32neilz
This was ok for a first drop, I've been where u are, u need to understand all the concepts involved in rap tho, multies, metaphors and shit but you'll get there bro, I am
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Re: things that are on my mind
Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 8:18 am
by Loon E Lou
U just need to express ur self more. Writing isnt ALL about metaphores, similes, multies and shit like that. I mean yea, it makes it nicer, but thats isnt what its really about. Its about expressing yourself, BEING YOURSELF, and not what other folks tell u it should be like. It looks like u kinda know what ur doin, jus write more and more. Then write some more after that. Everything will fall into place after that. Keep swingin tho pal
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Re: things that are on my mind
Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2011 8:14 am
by M33Kish
Different thoughts throughout this piece, so I didn't really get where it was going, and I like knowing where things are going. But you seem like you can illustrate your thoughts pretty well so finish the piece and drop it so I can shut up lol.
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Re: things that are on my mind
Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2011 2:46 am
by Defiance
liked it sounded like poetry of a twisted personallity good shit man
Re: things that are on my mind
Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2011 3:09 am
by Mitty
I can relate to this yo...we could probably write some sick depressive shit to make people hang themselves;) Kidding, but really I can get down on a track like this. I'll write something and drop it maybe by later tonight because I have to work soon. Check it out later.
Re: things that are on my mind
Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2011 9:40 am
by leeroi green
yo this is a short drop but as far as any advice i can give, I would say figure a structure that keeps a tempo for the reader you dont have to worry to much about wordplay becuase i see you are going a deeper route now granted maybe this was written to be audio and your delivery would change everything so in closing just keep it up
Re: things that are on my mind
Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2011 1:07 pm
by AbZ The Beast
how come we can help out haiti and Japan/
but when america needs help everyone turns away and alone we stand/
best line....
very short...and i see it as a good building block
emotion is the number one thing IMO that make a good track. and its there
juts need 2 work on structure,internalryhming...
keep growing
Re: things that are on my mind
Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 7:47 am
by Joe Saint
this had a decent flow looking forward to the finished version
Re: things that are on my mind
Posted: Mon May 23, 2011 8:54 am
by Ted Bundey
thanks for the feedback.
Re: things that are on my mind
Posted: Mon May 23, 2011 10:36 am
by Mic S
didnt know where it was going, very short - hope u expand to this - seemed like u were going in a good direction