Looking for help and maybe a collab! "Darkness"

[Disain]

Okay, the deal with this song is that.. I love the beat. And i wrote this verse, but i don't know how to flow it. The rhymes are in another forum section too. I'm looking for a helping hand who'd be kind enough to say what i'm doing wrong on this track.. For me, it feels kind of weird right now.
Also, if anybody is down, then i'd be deep in for a collab of sorts. If you are interested, then it'd be awesome if we could do it.

Anyway, here's the track, C&C and if you don't like something on it, say it and tell m what you think would be good on it.

[Alvin]

This beat is insanely awesome man. Honestly with the flow man, its hard for me to understand what your saying, the delivery with your accent throws it off for me. In a case like this, i could be wrong, but i think the tempo is fast enough to where you need more syllables in your lines instead to create your own rhythm instead of stretching your delivery to match the beat. Rather sounds like you wrote the lyrics, later found the beat, and your in the process of making them fit, but sometimes to "make" something fit, it requires changing. The emotion is cool, but i really cant understand what your saying, so might as well be grunting with harsh emotions lol. NO OFFENSE. just my honest opinion. Shit could be real nice man, i would add more syllables, and change the delivery, add some levels in tone, because it sounds like your constantly giving each word a climax, and emotions have more than a climax which should be represented by your voice. Be easy, hope it helps.

[MrNovember]

I completely agree with Panda.

To try and fix it you can go back and add or take out words in each lines and deliver it at a good speed. Just to make it fit better, the flow can get fixed up well also if you change the words, or change the amount of syllables per line.

If I ever make a verse that I think is good enough for this, I will send to you first by the way. I'm thinking about getting practice on this type of beat.

[Static]

Jesus H. Christ, does anybody else want to go berserk on this beat, i'm loving everything about it lol. try spitting more clearly and and at a decent tempo, but mostly i'd have to agree with both of these cats, you may need to tweak and twist your lyrics.

[BennyBones]

id luv to rip this beat...

[Disain]

So far, dunno. It's hard t oget shit to rhyme, because i've never done anything very syllable-centric.

I'm changing the flow though, trying to take it slower and use the beat that way. Also the main topic, from a more politics-centric to what i'm feeling about me right now.

The hatred, dark walls, dried red painted
led waitress, for your death waited
i'm wasted, no pictures to be painted
Braindead, like they call me rainman

pain meds, got lucid dreams of the dark past
building blocks, but sand dries up fast
Math rocks, but they kill from inside class
crash through penning rays

Hemingway, i'm making truth
Fixing patients with sharpened spears,
stuck in my greatest fears
proof of it, i don't share

tear the roof for it, i don't care
Bare what i no longer dare
Rare, is there anything i hold dear?
Love, why is it so dark in your lair?

Yes, it's starting to sound like a 'heard too much' kind of a self-hate song. I know.

I also started on a second verse that i am trying to get in flow too. It's hard though, because some things just sound straight up strange with my accent and finding other stuff to fit the context is hard.

Covered in lies, i see it, no disguise
Powered by eyes, foxes are sly
Are all signs lies?
Can belief really misguide?

I call with the card of demise
Only to All-in and lose my design
No proof of heaven in sky
Only to find, electrons can't cry

I'm prying the locks, breaking in shock
Fighting like fire to rock
Train coming, i'm tied to the tracks
Music drives you nuts, 'till your mind cracks

Puts you in a primal position, i'm scared of the facts
Itching, like all light is sucked by the black
Have i really lost my path?
Will i ever come back?