"Darkness"

[Disain]

The hatred, dark walls, dried red painted
led waitress, for your death waited
i'm wasted, talent like the walk to sacred
Dark tunnel with a train blocking the light entrance

In trance, like lucid dreams of the dark past
building blocks, but sand dries up fast
Math rocks, but they kill from inside class
Could i see the light again, at last?

Picturation of hemingway, i'm making truth
Fixing patients with sharpened spears,
murder is the only proof
Winning makes losing cool

Currents flow and water cools
metals blow and winners lose
Logic exists for killing creativity at best
Social standards make you lose, to fit the rest


http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/talki ... ml#p166750
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/for-t ... 21500.html

[AfroSamuraiBlak]

Damn Bro i like your style Nice up man

[Kuhlerblynd]

You have a nice style and good structure... I liked your poetic touch to the piece and some of your metaphors are really nice... I think your flow gets a little choppy here and there and your mutli's are off in some areas... Also, rhyming the same words at the end of your lines can really take away from a verse sometimes... Just an opinion fam. Hope to see you keep dropping more...

[Alvin]

The hatred, dark walls, dried red painted
led waitress, for your death waited
i'm wasted, talent like the walk to sacred
Dark tunnel with a train blocking the light entrance
the pictures you painted here are awesome, i like how you were able to eliminate the useless words like "the" "and" etc. So getting to the point was fluent.
In trance, like lucid dreams of the dark past
building blocks, but sand dries up fast
Math rocks, but they kill from inside class
Could i see the light again, at last?
Nice poetic feel to it, your consistant with getting to the point which is comendable in a piece like this. This would go nicely as some spoken word in my opinion, dramatic pauses and all.
Picturation of hemingway, i'm making truth
Fixing patients with sharpened spears,
murder is the only proof
Winning makes losing cool
well now this reads like complete poetry. your last line is pretty nice man.
Currents flow and water cools
metals blow and winners lose
Logic exists for killing creativity at best
Social standards make you lose, to fit the rest
Your last bars are the strongest which is good for a conclusion based idea. I definitly dig the last line the best, which is how it should be. A line to say and drop the mic kinda shit. Nice drop man.

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/talki ... ml#p166750
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/for-t ... 21500.html
Thanks for posting links man, and following the rules

[S3V3NTH1RTY]

Nice drop. Great imagery. Flow needs a lil work but hell so does mine. Keep droppin

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

[Glamtrash]

I like the concet and use of vocabulary and metahors. You need to work out your flow and structure. But you've got definite skill as a writer. Also, try and stay away from rhyming a word with itself. That's why dictionaries and thesaurus' were made my friend lol. Kee em" comin.

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

[Shawnmd]

nice poetry.

[Disain]

Nice to read good reviews. TBH didn't think it as a very good piece.

-- Sun Apr 10, 2011 11:39 pm --

Actually, this 16 is the first verse of a project of mine,just a song. I like t ocall them projects.After a bit of time of thinking, i guess i'd like you guys to help me on making it sound better. Maybe even you'd want to collab or something? I'd love it.

Anyway, listen to it(no need to listen to the other 4 minutes, just some good ass beat) and comment and say what i should change and shit. Thanks!

I know it's a double post and i know that it ain't the right place to post it, but hell, why make another topic on the same thing.