Hip Hop Forum

1st link

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/time- ... ml#p163166

2nd link

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/1st-o ... ml#p163167

wrote this on a cypher but wanted feedback on it

So many checks dat the SLA boi cashin

i go harder than a virgin in da playboi mansion

time for neck slashin, back lashin,

seatbelt better be fastend

cuz here enters da Southern Livin Assassin

so ya know ya acts crashin

n hearts burnin

ya sins, from way back when, are killin ya within, which thens creates ya stomach to start turnin

faggets now are churnin, never learnin what it means to be da freestyle king

limosuines n bling are things of no need cuz my aurora gleams

da hoes swings n sync car steams in those scenes fuck thy who hordes da lean

Not bad at all, could use some touching up. Otherwise your best line

time for neck slashin, back lashin,

seatbelt better be fastend

cuz here enters da Southern Livin Assassin

Keep droppin'

thank you bro n fasho

i did not like this. tooooo simple. sorry.

its str8....any feed is appreciated

So many checks dat the SLA boi cashin
i go harder than a virgin in da playboi mansion
time for neck slashin, back lashin,
seatbelt better be fastend
cuz here enters da Southern Livin Assassin
so ya know ya acts crashin
n hearts burnin
ya sins, from way back when, are killin ya within, which thens creates ya stomach to start turnin
faggets now are churnin, never learnin what it means to be da freestyle king
limosuines n bling are things of no need cuz my aurora gleams
da hoes swings n sync car steams in those scenes fuck thy who hordes da lean

Overall, ok, nothing "great", but ok for a cypher. Had a couple good lines, but the delivery or punch kept falling through the cracks. Watch that. BTW, its really short man, try writing lengthier pieces.

yeah i felt that it was too short as well after i posted it but

still wanted the feedback on it ya know

and i'll work on the delivery better

Like others said, the flow is a little iffy. Also, to me it is a little simple, try making it more complex but not over the type. But for a cypher, it's not bad.

thanx n i'll make sure to make my flows complex

nothing great. but since you're improving dude, for your standards i'd say it pretty good. too simple, but no one can really talk since we've all been here.

keep writing bro. i'd like to hear more stuff from you.

not bad if it was off the top but as a written (besides flow, it flowed pretty well), this piece is pretty bad in all areas. a few pointers to improve:

-try to stay away from cliches (i.e things like "seatbelt better be fastend" that people have probably said millions of times in rap), and played out punchlines ("i go harder than a virgin in da playboi mansion")

-use multi-syllable rhymes (google it)

Not bad, a little simple but not bad, try out some multi's and work on the flow a bit

Not Bad Bro.. just take ur time next time you'll see that u can replace some lines with some complex shit (Make us Believe)