Hip Hop Forum

Im damn near weightless and I brought it upon myself
Rather be shot and left faceless screaming fuck the wealth
I got it from those hope sacks the smoke stacks that stop block before health
Neglect clocks, no stealth, just chill, we'll stop off at hell
Calmly breathing, been battling this struggle to mumble
I can stand it but once above ground I need to rest my Hubble
I ain't succeeding, but bleeding, after exceeding limits of trouble
fiending for money, drugs, bitches, and my favorite...... the stumbles


http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/can-e ... 20142.html

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/thieves-vt15638.html

For the short piece that it is it's pretty good. Message was on point. Flow was decent.

Yeah, I agree with Kau on this one. I liked your vocabulary on this one too. Nice use of that. Really would have liked to see you expound more on this idea, but for a short piece it was really well written. Nice job.

Not bad for a lil quick key up, had some nice internal rhyming, nothin' amazing but nothin' horrible, decent shit.

Boo!!! too short blob be. The ryming is there, i guess i just need more story or emotion behind it. Its solid for a small one, but more is better in this situation. fav line

I ain't succeeding, but bleeding, after exceeding limits of trouble

thanxs for feeding guys. appreciate ya'll takin the time to read a key. it seems everyonethinks it should be longer. to be honest i didnt expect this to be what it came out to be, i was just fuckin around. but after reading it over and over, and reading all your reply's, this keystyle is going to turn into a writen verse. thanx for inspiring me illest, much love.

pretty basic and real short. I'd work on structuring my bars to sound nicer when you go over em. Content was nice tho but nothing hard hitting that stood out.

This has potential, like as the beginning of something that keeps going. The flow of it is real good, and the essence of what your sayin is well expressed, just needs more too it overall. Add some more bars, keep it focused on the self-reflection kinda path your goin along so far, bring in some emotion, and this could result in a pretty killer piece.