Hip Hop Forum

every now and again, i get this feelin' that there might be/
an evil presence down below the earth that wants to spite me/
fight me, wrap me up in flames and ignite me/
take my soul into his clutches, and let the mice feed/
on my rotten corpse, deep below the worlds surface/
killed by the devil just for tryna find my purpose/
now my soul resides, in this eternal furnace/
no hope of escape, so i started spittin' verses/
line by line, my spirit started to find/
paradises of escape, deep inside of my mind/
and whenever i rhymed, my eyes became un-blind/
so i spit at the sky, and pray to god for a heavenly sign.

a quick few lines written to this instrumental http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKxUy0b1 ... re=related

-- Fri Jan 07, 2011 11:26 am --

any criticism/comments would be very much appreciated.

I always love dark twisted shit, and although i like the concet, I got bored of reading before I was halfway through it. Work on your vocab and use of metahores. You definitely have otential. Look forward to reading more.

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I would agree with DeeDee, the use of metaphorical imagery is what's missing her. The poetic structure is simple but catchy but I would expound on the vocab and place more thought on imagery. Not bad though Pep.

good work. i enjoy dark peices.

the only things i can say is find ur own style thats both interesting and works, and improve you vocab this itself will help imagery.

peace

fight me, wrap me up in flames and ignite me/
take my soul into his clutches, and let the mice feed/
on my rotten corpse, deep below the worlds surface/
killed by the devil just for tryna find my purpose/

Very descriptive