Hip Hop Forum

Writing a song about how you do the right things and shit still doesn't work out. This is what I have so far, please criticize. Be honest, be harsh. I can take it.

Hook:
You can’t eat ethics
And it ain’t real damn funny
When all you have are morals
But you’re real damn hungry,
No money for food,
Just respect for fools,
With nothing to lose,
You do what you do

Verses:

I tried the narrow and straight,
Couldn’t keep up the strength,
The harrowing escape
Caused narrowing of brain,
So I sat with face in hands,
Thinkin up some evil plans,
Of how I could come up
By stepping on the next man

This shit got me furious and twisted
Must be impervious cause I missed it
I kissed it, goodbye,
cause the right path
Cracked me in the eye
But this new path is mine
Not a gangster but I get by
Count it up, my math is fine

You can try to get yours
But I got it before you
You can call me a thug
Or call me a whore, fool
You can say I’m a crook
Morals ain’t defined in my book
I don't care what you say
It’s my dinner to cook

It's very.... simle. considering the toic of choice is one you could go in so many directions with. Try using more metahores, and better vocabulary. Looking forward to reading the next draft.

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I'd say I liked this in general. As Double mentioned it is a bit simple though. The hook has some nice ideas in it, and they're presented in a creative way, but the vocab is so simple that to me it takes away from it's potential impact, too many two/three/four letter words. And honestly, I hope that you continue on with a few more bars after this, cuz the way you ended it I didn't like, maybe its true to your life, but it feels like you were weakened by the struggle of life and turned selfish. I don't know, maybe its just me, but I feel this verse could move to the next stage of overcoming the struggle even when shit don't work out right...

Thank you both very much. I see what you're saying, and have some solid ideas on how to improve it. Intrinsic, I do plan on writing more bars, I can't let the bad guy win

hook was cool,

Flow was cool, I'd say content was more along the lines of basic,
cool read though. Keep dropping

Whoa, I loved the title.. that's something I could work off of. So many directions to go with that one. However, it's a nice cover to the book.. until you open it. Then you noticed the words don't do it justice. Your format was a little too basic. Broaden your thoughts a bit. Think outside of the box and bring it with metaphores. Then don't restrict your words, reach in the vocabs and pull out something:

This shit got me furious and twisted
Must be impervious cause I missed it
I kissed it, goodbye

So much you could've done with just those few lines.. I'll keep watching cause I think you got mad potential.

Def agree. The topic is an interesting one and it does come off as a bit simple. When you look at all the tools you got in flippin this, you could make this really dope. Im not really sure about what beat ya workin' wit but I'd work on structuring the flow to concentrate on somethin' a bit more complex. Addin' a couple multies, similies, a punch or two...or just givin it an all around facelift wit these concepts. You could include pretty much anything you wanted to in a drop like this. G/L.

nice drop bro. this has mad potential. everyones already touched my points so ill leave it at that. i like this drop alot man.