Hip Hop Forum

decided to give a story like keystyle a shot. i think i went off track a bit but its humorous if nothing else.



i gaurentee it would calm you if you rolled up strapped
but what you think you would do if i gave yo girl the clap?
would you sigh? would you cry? would you hide it with a high?
would you cut that bitches pussy? my dick? wanna try?
cry be scared as hell my crooked tooth semi glok is loaded
it aint the freshest smell when your precious lifes corroding
standing tall correct your stance look around and take a glance
one thousand distant figures pick your god and take a chance
well heres what ill do a small clue just for you like an
instrumental recipe some soul food i grew but your never gonna
swallow bitin off more than you chew and im rusty with the heimlich
"YO I CANT SAVE THIS FOO!"
i warned you once i cautioned better slow down before
you blok your throat with beats of an abstract sound
and then i bring a verse and it chokes you to the ground
should i call an ambulance i mean you havent made a sound
fuck that its murder with a beat, verse, and a mic and
im damn sure nt ready to meet the big house tonight
you see those cells are so small and theyre far less than cozy
and ill bet you half a rhyme that they smell less than rosie
so i got a choice to make now i could dump your body..
throw it in my honda and im nice ill even give you shotty
drive down harbor boulavard make a quick stop at the port
pretending im a fisherman and im only there for sport but
i dont think that will work you see security is tight and
its a real long walk almost a mile in the night while
the port police patrol they got that place on lock
lookin for cats like me tryin to sink there problems with a rock
by now i hear sirens assume hes been reprting missing my
thoughts turn to grey and now im gettin kinda dizzy whats with me
just run no theres evidence all around
from my words on the wall to blok beats on the ground
to top it all off i got this fuckin mic in my hand
im sure that when they see this theyll feel i had a master plan
like im a murderer a god damn homocidal maniac
but im just blok b a semi sleepless rhyming braniac
who made me that? you did when you burt my cd
so its your fault im in this with the boys after me
although i knew he wasnt ready and he was far from prepared
i thought my battle hand was steady not slightly impaired

Was up Block? You good? Hope all is well with you. Anywayz, I think this piece here is has its moments but hasn't worked its way up to the topical verse it could be. Main reason, is because it doesn't really have a topic (unless i missed it). Here you talk about giving some girl the clap and some guy getting mad and you murding him with your awesome lyrics/beats. Felt more like random thougts as you went along creating the story line. I would suggest finding a topic and creating a character/main subject and working around it. Work around the topic itself with a beginning, middle and ending that are cohesive to the character/main subject.
As far as your rhyme structure, you could increase your vocab and learn how to rhyme more than just the last word of your bars. One tactic I'd like to see if you could use is to attempt to rhyme at least the last two words in your bars. After that, try rhyming the first few syllables of the bar with the last 2 syllables of the bar. This will improve your multi-syllable ability and make more of an enjoyable read. As it stands now, you have potential but your verses still have an elementary feel to it.

Keep posting, I'll keep reading.

I agree with Riggz. Potential is there you're just not executing it fully. A decent read so keep at it. I did like ur ability to draw some pictures in my head, like you in the Honda driving with him shottie. Just rhyme a little more intricately like Riggz suggested.

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mos def guys. good lookin out. thanks for reading.