Hip Hop Forum

send me your digits and
we can bend all the rules
spend my rent on a tidbit
help us cloud afternoon
lend my wit to forget it
letting beauty consume
knowing man shouldnt hit it
when hes somebodys groom
still resume im out the door
arriving just about four
she was askin for a ride
needed smokes from the store
thinkin i need a blunt
and some trojans of course
i said hop in
then i dropped it in fourth
one quick trip later it was
blunts brews and favors and
i couldnt wait to make her
swallow all that i had gave her
guilt wont kick in
i got me feelin like a player
thinking all i need is just
a little taste of different flavor
couldnt date her
and i knew that
it was far from my plan
than again i wasnt thinking
or i wouldnt have planned
something that could devastate
my honest pride as a man
or stop myself from using my virgin left hand
so here i stand in mourning
with tragic life ending stories
that were brought on by my
lack of self control when i get horny
if you ever find yourself thinking
"god damn my girl is boring"
remember blokB and how he lost his most adoring

"send me your digits and we can bend all the rules
spend my rent on a tidbit help us cloud afternoon
lend my wit to forget it letting beauty consume
knowing man shouldnt hit it when hes somebodys groom"

^^^ Good lines, a bit basic, but some internal rhyming if structure changed to how i quoted instead of how you wrote it.

"still resume im out the door arriving just about four
she was askin for a ride needed smokes from the store
thinkin i need a blunt and some trojans of course
i said hop in then i dropped it in fourth"

^^^ The crossover rhyme being resume, created a decent flow but i couldnt make sence of it much. Whatd you resume into? or what were you stepping out of? Good story type filler, but seems like a lot of filler so far

"one quick trip later it was blunts brews and favors and
i couldnt wait to make her swallow all that i had gave her
guilt wont kick in i got me feelin like a player
thinking all i need is justa little taste of different flavor
couldnt date her and i knew that"

^^^ The first line has 1 too many "and"'s. Saying you couldnt wait is future speaking, and saying I had gave her is past tence, so doesnt really match well. If you remove thinking from the 4th lines and place an (a) inbetween of and different, it'd make more sence and improve the flow. The last line had a nice crossover in rhymes

"it was far from my plan
than again i wasnt thinking
or i wouldnt have planned
something that could devastate
my honest pride as a man
or stop myself from using my virgin left hand
so here i stand in mourning
with tragic life ending stories
that were brought on by my
lack of self control when i get horny
if you ever find yourself thinking
"god damn my girl is boring"
remember blokB and how he lost his most adoring"

^^^ Well the flow was a little hard to capture at this point. I got what you were trying to say, especially by the last lines, but you never really explained that you lost your girl and it hurt, so your warning was less of an impact.

Good drop all together, just keep working at it man, and please dont take my feed as offensive. I suck at structe, but im not much for a rapper lol. Keep Dropping!!

thanx for the feed bro. i take it all positive and appreciate you took the time to read my stuff.