Hip Hop Forum

When I came across a can of spray
to paint my days a hazy grey
I found my splintered hands in trade
for crates of slightly brighter shades
pride had quickly turned to fame
while pen and pad became my name
conclusions all conclude the same so
im forcing a ban on history of you babe

Still its the same
It never quite changed
just re arranged it
put boxes into boxes
Taunt a stress that once was painless
Forget the blame
all aboard the train of troubled misfit racists
Dreaming back to face the facts
I miss my Four-lettered-name-chick!

Annoying SHAME itch?
Slightly VAIN Miss?
Would you like to hear a secret?
Or have a glass of cheap champagne bitch?
Im Sorry, didnt mean it
do you still love me the same-ish?
If yes then pause the games babe
I cant turn off my pain switch

your killing me and i dont know if you know it
is this your intention further
proving your soulless?
For the longest time i hadnt a clue that id blown it
I thought youd come to me when shit needed some notice?
I ask myself daily why cant she fucking just show it!?!?
I know shes NOT cold!
and she knows Im HEART BROKEN!
i just want your attention
Maybe the hand i miss holdin
not to mention the heart from
my chest that youve stolen
Im foldin...
Im under pressure....
i got too much of you????
NEVER!

I made my mistakes but
seems you scored a bonus
Just friends from work right?
Never more focused?
i hope your smart enough to
make him wear an extra trojan
cause if he fucks up whats mine
Ill leave his fucking face broken

think im joking?
probly not!
I may be a tall frame and skinny blok
but fuses light when head gets hot
so take this as a WAR-ning if homie
like the way he walks?
Cuz Ill do him a favor and
lets just say he wont be needing anymore socks

"When I came across a can of spray
to paint my days a hazy grey
I found my splintered hands in trade
for crates of slightly brighter shades
pride had quickly turned to fame
while pen and pad became my name
conclusions all conclude the same so
im forcing a ban on history of you babe"

^^^ The rhymings decent, but im having a little difficulty understanding what your writing about by this point. Supposedly if you cant catch the lystener/reader in the first 15 seconds, you should consider them lost.

"Still its the same
It never quite changed
just re arranged it
put boxes into boxes
Taunt a stress that once was painless
Forget the blame
all aboard the train of troubled misfit racists
Dreaming back to face the facts
I miss my Four-lettered-name-chick!"

^^^ you started out structured, but after the box n boxes line i lost the flow of it. Mybe its the way you wrote it out for me to read?

"your killing me and i dont know if you know it
is this your intention further
proving your soulless?
For the longest time i hadnt a clue that id blown it
I thought youd come to me when shit needed some notice?
I ask myself daily why cant she fucking just show it!?!?
I know shes NOT cold!
and she knows Im HEART BROKEN!
i just want your attention
Maybe the hand i miss holdin
not to mention the heart from
my chest that youve stolen
Im foldin...
Im under pressure....
i got too much of you????
NEVER!"

^^^ okay, this one I'm more than certain if you fixed the structure, added a couple syllables here and there, that it could be solid. But, as it stands, the flows difficult to capture unless I play with it some. For ex. :"
"your killing me and i dont know if you know it//
is this your intention, proving your soulless?//"
instead of...
"your killing me and i dont know if you know it//
is this your intention further//
proving your soulless?//"

"I made my mistakes but
seems you scored a bonus
Just friends from work right?
Never more focused?
i hope your smart enough to
make him wear an extra trojan
cause if he fucks up whats mine
Ill leave his fucking face broken"

^^^ not too shabby, i like it, still a little simple in rhyme scheme, but good overall

"
think im joking?
probly not!
I may be a tall frame and skinny blok
but fuses light when head gets hot
so take this as a WAR-ning if homie
like the way he walks?
Cuz Ill do him a favor and
lets just say he wont be needing anymore socks"
^^^ in essence, a good ender, but the flow falls off when the WAR refrence is made.

All in all, good drop, keep writing man, and maybe im just not a good rater to lysten to, so dont take me too serious. Just keep writing, and from what i gather, i hope this was off the mental, and not reality, and if it is fact, im sorry hommie, keep your head up.

This piece was aight...had some weird points here and there...I got kind of thrown off here and there but I guess it works...maybe it cuz Im on my phone....either way you pretty much expressed your emotion on this for the most part which really brings the piece to a whole...which I enjoyed not many people are capable of doing so...but u cant always depend on ur emotion to carry ur piece..either way this was ok....keep writing my dude

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

na bro, your a good rater, actually cleared up alot for me. im new to writing so im a bit lost when it comes to taking a more poetic style and forming verses. any criticism is great for me. and unfortunately it is reality, i wish it was off the dome but such is life rite. thanks for the feed guys. much appreciated.

Some of it was alright, it was a fairly basic drop though..

there wasn't nothing that stood out in my eyes rhyme scheme and that was pretty dull aswell bra.. keep writting and keep posting

-- Thu Dec 09, 2010 6:09 pm --

Some of it was alright, it was a fairly basic drop though..

there wasn't nothing that stood out in my eyes rhyme scheme and that was pretty dull aswell bra.. keep writting and keep posting