Hip Hop Forum

My thirty months had begun, whenever removed from the dorm, eyes burned from the sun
We were constantly kept in the darkness, while thick, black clouds had some fun
When it rains, it pours... Depression had set in, a lethal ass weapon
Realizing what's happening, those thoughts eat through flesh and
Release some aggression, that causes you to do the craziest things
Like this murder I saw in the yard, as the sun set when it was late in the day
Black dude stepped to a chico and started to say, something about money that's owed
That Puerto Rican laughed one time, and no, he doesn't think its funny no mo'
Black reached for the throat, stuck him five times right below the ribs
Everyone acted like they didnt notice it, man who knows that kid...
Will never know his kids, his family never to have a proper burial
Would my family see me again? Thoughts of doubt invaded like diseases that're veneral
I compared this home, with the past and life I had on the streets
The cars, the jeans... Polo, Ralph, Southpole, shit seemed bomb to me
But honestly... Now I had nothing, and I wanted to give up
There was no life for me to live up, too many patches to stitch up
Why give a shit? Fuck... I lost everything by my choice of actions
I couldnt distort the facts and try to claim that I was forced by habits
Because I'd put myself in this fuckin positino, a second chance when I failed enough???
If I tried again and lost, there's no way I would make it, without a doubt I'd self destruct

Hmmm Murk, this seemed more like spoken word. The rhyme structure was off in some places (i.e. craziest things/late in the day) And rather than a cadance, you had sort of a talking without a rhythm thing going.
As far as the subject, I get this on college campus, sitting on a blanket in the commans area, playing a guitar, around a bunch of freshmen chicks who loves the Matthew McConaughey just got out of bed look... ha, but I'm rambling.

I dug this line tho "Why give a shit? Fuck... I lost everything by my choice of actions
I couldnt distort the facts and try to claim that I was forced by habits"... cool

I Liked The Flow Of This Right Here... It Did Have A Poetic Sense To It.. More Of The Energy That Would Be Used To Carry U Thru The Beat On This One.. I Like It... Shows Some Diversity.. I Also Liked The Imagery... Only That The Dude Getting Stuck Was PR..lol... Tho It Did Provide The Realism Involved That Conveyed The Message And Feelings Experience When Found In That Situation.. And Since I Can Relate I Thought It Was Aiight... 1

i agree them demz but i still liked it.
spat it alright over a nice beat. sounded nice.
gd work son.
peace

Thanks for the feed. Uppin.

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

My thirty months had begun, whenever removed from the dorm, eyes burned from the sun
We were constantly kept in the darkness, while thick, black clouds had some fun
When it rains, it pours... Depression had set in, a lethal ass weapon
Realizing what's happening, those thoughts eat through flesh and
Release some aggression, that causes you to do the craziest things
Like this murder I saw in the yard, as the sun set when it was late in the day
Black dude stepped to a chico and started to say, something about money that's owed
That Puerto Rican laughed one time, and no, he doesn't think its funny no mo'
Black reached for the throat, stuck him five times right below the ribs
Everyone acted like they didnt notice it, man who knows that kid...

I Like How U Go in with that... I see what u were tryna do with imagery.

Will never know his kids, his family never to have a proper burial
Would my family see me again? Thoughts of doubt invaded like diseases that're veneral
I compared this home, with the past and life I had on the streets
The cars, the jeans... Polo, Ralph, Southpole, shit seemed bomb to me

Fall off point,



But honestly... Now I had nothing, and I wanted to give up
There was no life for me to live up, too many patches to stitch up
Why give a shit? Fuck... I lost everything by my choice of actions
I couldnt distort the facts and try to claim that I was forced by habits
Because I'd put myself in this fuckin positino, a second chance when I failed enough???
If I tried again and lost, there's no way I would make it, without a doubt I'd self destruct


Way To Pick it back up N Go out with a Bang .. I Like it.


Overall this was easy to Follow.. I'm digging it.. Could Of wrote more but ayy who Am I to tell u do that lol, anyways

Nice piece, Always room for improvement. Keep at it