Hip Hop Forum

Every single day he would cover up the pain with a bit of bitter blame that he fed into his brain./
Every single day he would mutter of the rain or a thousand other things that never went his way./
Every single day he would settle and remain in his cynical phase but it never went away./

This was the kinda cat who would never dance in the rain,
why would he wanna run around in the wetness when infections could invade, (he would say).
So he kept in his best fits and his kicks were clean and lemon scented,
and they gleamed and reflected the light that beamed from her eyes,/
then when he stepped in to address her with a smile he was left with an empty reply./
She laughed at the guy, wrote him off as a suit and tie,
lifted her hand to the sky to wave good-bye
and resumed to sift through the room for the best of the breed
or who destiny would deem to be the one who she could see true,
he'd who'd prove to be the paint to her canvas of fate./
She'd wait for the one who would come from the clouds
with the thunderous sound of a hundred abundant expressions of wonder../
under the cover of night, she'd rise to the stars in the sky
with a poem and a rhyme from her soul and her mind.

Every single day she would write about the rain or a thousand other things never went her way.
Every single day she would cover up the pain with a bit of bitter blame that she fed into her brain.
Every single day she would settle and remain in her cynical phase but it never went away.

Every single day she would live another maze, always waitin' for the haze to fade away day by day.
She made her bed and paid her debts, but kept her heart caged in a dark place...
She talked of change, but not of ways to pave the way, so this phase remained to stay.
She played the role of a maiden caged and she waited to be liberated by he who was fated,
but he was belated and she was afraid of the future, but used to the pain./
She refused to step away from what she knew, so here she stayed where tear drops rain.

To be continued...

this was cool wasnt really feeling that hook or whatever it was it reminded me of poetry though the flow of the piece was fluent and so was the scheme of the story the rhymes didnt do much for me at points but both verses really stood out to me as I continued to read a nice piece nonetheless at this point Im just wondering how your going to finish it...keep it up man...nice drop

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nice man.
i liked :
So he kept in his best fits and his kicks were clean and lemon scented,
and they gleamed and reflected the light that beamed from her eyes,/
sounds gd.
Peace

man this reminded me a lot of spoonful just not as lyrical. dont get me wrong, lyrics were on point im just saying. dont even know if you know who spoonful is but yeah. this was nice man. i was especially diggin the little hook thing you put in there. this was pretty thoughtful and deep. diggin it man, no qualms.

Flow was excellent. The rhyme scheme really helped with that I think. Lot's of inner rhymes. I like how you mixed up the rhyme scheme a lot, too. These make pretty good character introductions on an emotional level. I'd be interested to see where you go with this. I could see this being spit on a beat with some rain and storm sounds incorporated. As for the chorus, I thought it was pretty good. Not sure if you switched the first two lines on purpose when you repeated it for the chick but I think it would work better if you kept it the same or maybe reverse it entirely. But that's a minor complaint and it's probably just me.

U got good storytellin schemes. Seems like thats your niche.

Good stuff

Appreciatin' the feedback on this one ya'll... Eventually I'll get around to writtin more with this, just not quite sure what I'm gonna do with the story element of it yet. It'll be going together with a beat that reminds me a bit of something I heard from Fort Minor once upon a time. Kinda dark sounds, but with a pretty strong energy behind it.

This was some good shit, very well written, feeling the poetic steez, I usually give feed from a super lyrical mc's stand point but you have to approach spoken word type joints like this from a different stand point, so all in all, story was on point, word choice was dope, can't really complain about nothing, nice shit.

Thanks for the feed Phase, appreciated...