Hip Hop Forum

Alright ya'll, I know this piece is real long, but for those of you who read through it I'd appreciate some feedback on it, I put a helluva lot of effort into it. These'll be the lyrics to a song I'll record eventually too...

Chorus:
//Here I stand- with a mic- in my hand
Feelin' the vibe- of the rhymes- as they dance
My mind is at ease- at this time- not by chance
I find time to breath- in my life- to advance//

I strive to eliminate my venomous mental states
with a remedy that animates my motivation to change my ways.
The pen of fate, it renovates, the will of what I would attain.
Whatever I face I'll center my aims upon the covenant made.
This promise will shape the paths that I pave all the way to the grave.

Chorus//

Let the floodgates open
then align your focus
to the motives of your heart-
When you speak as a spark
that releases the dark
you will teach and impart
what is deep in the depths of the beacon ya seek to express-
The effects of your efforts become manifest
when you reflect on the message, then come with your best.
I will hum this tune to my death-
I was once in a womb and and now in the next
in between the cradle and the grave where I'll rest-
When death washes over the motion of life
I will still never die,
What I've built will survive
when I rise to the sky beyond time.

Chorus//

It's time to realize the real rise that peels back the sky
(Can you feel this rap arise?)
As the light reveals the dawn
the rhythm we're on responds
by givin' the song a vivid call,
from where I envision ambitious decisions
that are efficiently focused on raising our motives.
I'mma listenin' to the lips of fate to lift my gaze
above the chaos encased in failin' ways that teach us to change.-
I mean, I'm feelin your pain,
and I see your reason to complain.
Indeed, this season is insane,
but the key is to learn how to aim
your mind in a permanent ray
that will burn through the grime
and approach the Divine
with a focus focused on the unity of mankind...

Humanity, it's time to see the plan and plant the seeds..
We need to rise! We need need to rise x3
We see the signs! ..................
We seek to find and reach to teach the time
We meet with minds and feed the seeds with light
With deeds we climb and leap from deep inside
to be a rhyme that means to free the mind x2

Take the blinders off your eyes
they confine us to a kind of blindness
that cannot define us
if we wish to fight the violence
that divides us.
The touch of Midas
has a side effect of crimson floods.-
Listen up, Mr. Money Bucks,
you can never cover up
the truth
with your subtle coup d'etat.
Who am I to live with ease
while my brothers suffer from disease.
The rivers overflow with the blood of enmity,
so I dedicate my being to the oneness of humanity
and to helping other see this path to the most great peace.

//Here I stand- with a mic- in my hand
Feelin' the vibe- of the rhymes- as they dance
My mind is at ease- at this time- not by chance
I find time to breath- in my life- to advance//

[I strive to eliminate my venomous mental states
with a remedy that animates my motivation to change my ways.
The pen of fate, it renovates, the will of what I would attain.
Whatever I face I'll center my aims upon the covenant made.
This promise will shape the paths that I pave all the way to the grave.
/quote]
Man I Know I Quote Chunks All The Time But Only When They Fit Together Nicely... I Read it Once Then Spit It And I Think In Audio U Can Make This Sound Dope Given The Relative Similarities In The Words U Used Not Only In The Beggining N End But Also The Middle Of The Lines... Allows For More Play When U Wanna Improvise On The Mic

Let the floodgates open
then align your focus
to the motives of your heart-
When you speak as a spark
that releases the dark

Very Simple Flow Here.. But The Meaning U Gave It Helped It A Lot..

what is deep in the depths of the beacon ya seek to express-
The effects of your efforts become manifest
when you reflect on the message, then come with your best.
I will hum this tune to my death-

To Me This Is Well Made But Dam.. Its A Big Change From The Previous Set Of Bars.. Like U Going To Have To Speed The Flow.. Or Switch It Up In A Way

We meet with minds and feed the seeds with light
With deeds we climb and leap from deep inside
to be a rhyme that means to free the mind x2

This Was Deep... Appreciate The Metaphorical Feeling U Gave This Part Here...Good Multies

Take the blinders off your eyes
they confine us to a kind of blindness
that cannot define us
if we wish to fight the violence
that divides us.

Another Good Idea Worded Very Well.. This is Real Nice Right Here As Well... Good Flow ..Weird Structure but it Works For Me

Man U Have A Deep Flow ... Kinda Poetic At Times..This Was A Good Piece.. And I Would Like To hear The Beat If u Gonna Drop An Audio For This.. Seems Kinda Emotional And Delivers The Message Well.. Looks Like u Def Put ur Time Into This And It Payed off...-Ups

Appreciate the feed Flip...

Sorry, I've been sleeping on this. Here's the breakdown:

//Here I stand- with a mic- in my hand
Feelin' the vibe- of the rhymes- as they dance
My mind is at ease- at this time- not by chance
I find time to breath- in my life- to advance//

Oh yeah! The flow was perfect and I was really digging the internal rhyme scheme.

I strive to eliminate my venomous mental states
with a remedy that animates my motivation to change my ways.
The pen of fate, it renovates, the will of what I would attain.
Whatever I face I'll center my aims upon the covenant made.
This promise will shape the paths that I pave all the way to the grave.

Oh no! I couldn't get the flow of this no mater how many times I read it. The five lines kind of threw me off, too. I dig what you're saying in this part, though.

Let the floodgates open
then align your focus
to the motives of your heart-
When you speak as a spark
that releases the dark
you will teach and impart
what is deep in the depths of the beacon ya seek to express-
The effects of your efforts become manifest
when you reflect on the message, then come with your best.
I will hum this tune to my death-
I was once in a womb and and now in the next
in between the cradle and the grave where I'll rest-
When death washes over the motion of life
I will still never die,
What I've built will survive
when I rise to the sky beyond time.

I like what you're saying here, though the metaphors are rather simple. I think I read something else of yours that had a similar concept but I can't remember what it might have been called. Anyway, the flow was good here except for that beacon line. Had too many syllables, I think. Maybe if you just said "of what ya seek to express"

It's time to realize the real rise that peels back the sky
(Can you feel this rap arise?)
As the light reveals the dawn
the rhythm we're on responds
by givin' the song a vivid call,
from where I envision ambitious decisions
that are efficiently focused on raising our motives.
I'mma listenin' to the lips of fate to lift my gaze
above the chaos encased in failin' ways that teach us to change.-
I mean, I'm feelin your pain,
and I see your reason to complain.
Indeed, this season is insane,
but the key is to learn how to aim
your mind in a permanent ray
that will burn through the grime
and approach the Divine
with a focus focused on the unity of mankind...

I like how you switched up the rhyme scheme through out in this verse. The lyrics are a bit harder to decipher in this part and I think that's a good thing. It challenges the reader to think about what you're saying.

Humanity, it's time to see the plan and plant the seeds..
We need to rise! We need need to rise x3
We see the signs! ..................
We seek to find and reach to teach the time
We meet with minds and feed the seeds with light
With deeds we climb and leap from deep inside
to be a rhyme that means to free the mind x2

Nice little secondary chorus type thing here. Kind of reminds me of the Flobots song "Rise". Not sure it really gels with the rest of the song but it stands on it's own anyway. Some nice multies, too.

Take the blinders off your eyes
they confine us to a kind of blindness
that cannot define us
if we wish to fight the violence
that divides us.
The touch of Midas
has a side effect of crimson floods.-
Listen up, Mr. Money Bucks,
you can never cover up
the truth
with your subtle coup d'etat.
Who am I to live with ease
while my brothers suffer from disease.
The rivers overflow with the blood of enmity,
so I dedicate my being to the oneness of humanity
and to helping other see this path to the most great peace.

Nice flow once again. I was feeling the mutlies in the first half a lot.

Overall a dope piece though I feel like the flow could've been tidied up in just a few spots. I liked the message through out. Multies were here and there.

Ok.. I've been thru this a few times on various days..

I'm feelin this drop.. I had to catch the flow and it seems to switch up here and there but it was still good transition...

The first 4 lines really kept me into the piece going forward which is good bcuz ppl can lose attention if you can't pull them in asap...

Yo this drop is a beast it reminds me of some real life until the final hour shit. Like you getting out your thoughts and work before judgement day comes. I can picture madd Ochestrated work on the production for this piece because of the way it was written. I can dig it . Peace .

This might be one of the best verses I've read on here in a while, and I'm hoping you make this into an audio and post it on here.

"Take the blinders off your eyes
they confine us to a kind of blindness
that cannot define us
if we wish to fight the violence
that divides us."

easily my fav part of the rap.
Good flow, some nice multies
nice topic.
Good drop fam.

Appreciatin' the feed from all of you. This one will be recorded into an audio piece soon, so keep an eye/ear out for that.

If any of you have dropped somethin I've slept on that your still lookin for feedback on, let me know, always happy to return the feedback favor.