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Once upon..

Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:01 pm
by talent401
as night falls da pen talks,
paper meets ink and dey take walks,
Grabbin hands dey take off,
thinkin of dere future dere arms cross,
they been thru ups and downs but still remain together,
In acupple dates..A date becomes a letter,
We should move on said da pen i think it would b betta,
im catchin moodswings and u changin like da weather,
so im gone but leavin tracks as i march,
Givin it my all like i did to u from da start,
da pen begins to cough,bleedin ink from its esaphogus,
keeps his journey till da end... like he promises,
On his way letters bcame words as he met paper and did da obvious,
Sentences occured and doesnt kno who the author is,
almost dere His sickness worsens as
The end he tries to find,
But hes fightin wat he cant stop as da time,
Keeps tickin da sun begins to rise,
It becomes dellusional and its words become to ryhme,
Reaches its destination da pen begins to cry,
lyes down and saids "its a wRAP"...and dies...

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Re: Once upon..

Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:05 pm
by pablo1212
KILLED IT ! .. thats all I gotta say ... tooo creativeeeeeee.... def. keep writing!

Re: Once upon..

Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:10 pm
by talent401
Thanks for da feedbakk my dude...stay up!!...-Talent...

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Re: Once upon..

Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 9:58 pm
by DoggyStylez
mad flow loco.....the end kills it lol.....talent livin up to his name, murderin pens is his game.......jejejeeee

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Re: Once upon..

Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2010 12:19 am
by IntrinsicCadence
Damn, real creative piece here. The flow is nice, could benefit from some more complex rhyme schemes, but the concept and story element of it is killer and makes me like this drop a lot. I'd even go so far as to say like 9.5/10. A bit more vocab build up and maybe a couple multis/internal rhymes would put this up to a 10/10 in my eyes easily. Keep droppin writtens...

Re: Once upon..

Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2010 4:52 pm
by talent401
Dats wats up man..thanks for da feedbakk...ill deff keep da writtens cummin...im glad to hear ya like it...good looks and stay up!..

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Re: Once upon..

Posted: Thu Sep 23, 2010 10:07 am
by TheNobleOne
this shit was alright man. had a good flow to it. but really i dont know why i keep repeating myself. its cool to misspell shit simple because you dont know how to spell a word. but to purposefully go out of your way to spell they like "dey" and this like "dis" and the like "da" is just fuckin stupid. it seriously takes away from reading the piece.

Re: Once upon..

Posted: Thu Sep 23, 2010 10:11 am
by talent401
Yeaa i kno in my recent drop i stopped writin that way...it does take away from the verse...thanks for the feedbakk....i dont see the forced flow but aight...thanks.

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