Hip Hop Forum

dont be supportin the mechanical structure known as the corrupt false stature constructor, eroding away when we the people slay this evil criminal phaser array, disrupt this 1 world peace decrease, attackin like a noble thief, they flipflopped the ways, dont fall into the spell hype craze, i got a target on my head but im not falling for that phase, they want to kill me by my own laze, they overturned the bill of rights and habias corpus, they want us performin tricks like a dolphin or a porpoise, they want to force this agenda and dismember and deconfigure your figure, they want us slackin like the tortoise only the giant turtle wins in the end in storys, whats the story i wouldnt mind takin morning glory, cause it seems now is not the time to be sober, shows and commercials on tv thats not cosher, lack of communication, gonna get better with some syndication, tune up the station, for some information, alex jones doing his thing, exposing all levels of the bing, so listen and glisten dont be afraid of the hade, pretend your made in the shade, and get what you gotta do to do what, even if your in a rut wake up, shake up, and cut a fuckin snakes head off, and watch as it will cough 20 times, while im spittin the real rhymes, i wish i was mackin dimes, but maybe im slackin in that department, the stakeout is in the compartment, straight from the precint of the FBI rinki dink work that dont work, they dont go after the real criminals they get non violent peeps and blast the media with subliminals, fuck the tribunals, were here to use our jewels, and expand distance in a first time instance, like expose the real birth of christ and how he wasnt born on christmas, i hope the corrupters get infected with e-coli aspartame and syphilis, it would reap our rewards from what their doing to us, wait and see when we bust, shots aint gonna rust but blast through your tucked badge, and beat the savage till he has blood clottage, their souls will rott through their cartalidge, secret arrests when your comin for me you better be equipped with vests from all the stress that yall put me through, 3rd times i flew but im not going back whew, i learned my lessons and tactics to deal with these black magics, now im hear breakin the statics, well defend our liberty, the statue casts an evil spell though, through its cross dressing, and i aint even messing, said turned green from envy, but what about the science story, if exposed to oxygen or pathogen it turns green, using the black sun thats mean, abusing against the populi, only gonna have more of an open eye of watch coming your way, so you better stay in with locked doors, cause the real are gonna be winnin the scores, this aint no game its wars, im takin part in the sound battle, cause im no fuckin sheep or cattle, and im not gonna scidaddle, cause tattletales forces are in effect, ima shine and reflect onto their demon eyes, burning them while i protect my body with my karate, then relax with that chick that shows pilaties, they say freeze for you to drop to your knees, but thats a disease, and the pledge of alliance is similar to hitlers deviance, ima mad genious, im mean this lost in the twiliight zone,

motherfucker u wrote a book... i'll read it when i got more time.... damn

lol one day im gonna write a book

it was pretty straight...i enjoyed it....ur structure was horri-blay tho..lol...make it more of we can see where ur rhymes n lines end easier...in bars...i kno how it all went there...but some people have trouble readin shit like dat...lol....like lawgix for example..hes on the slow side of the Pie Chart...lol

7.8/10

write it out in bars, trying to read through that paragraph when you only rhyme a syllable here and there is annoying as hell

dont be supportin the mechanical structure known as the corrupt false stature constructor// eroding away when we the people slay this evil criminal phaser array// disrupt this 1 world peace decrease, attackin like a noble thief// they flipflopped the ways, dont fall into the spell hype craze// i got a target on my head but im not falling for that phase, they want to kill me by my own laze// they overturned the bill of rights and habias corpus, they want us performin tricks like a dolphin or a porpoise// they want to force this agenda and dismember and deconfigure your figure//, they want us slackin like the tortoise// only the giant turtle wins in the end in storys// whats the story i wouldnt mind takin morning glorys// cause it seems now is not the time to be sober, shows and commercials on tv thats not cosher// lack of communication, gonna get better with some syndication// tune up the station, for some information// alex jones doing his thing, exposing all levels of the bing// so listen and glisten dont be afraid of the hade// pretend your made in the shade// get what you gotta do to do what, even if your in a rut wake up// shake up, and cut a fuckin snakes head off// and watch as it will cough 20 times// while im spittin the real rhymes, i wish i was mackin dimes// but maybe im slackin in that department, the stakeout is in the compartment// straight from the precint of the FBI rinki dink work that dont work// they dont go after the real criminals that go power berzerk// they get non violent peeps and blast the media with subliminals, fuck the tribunals// were here to use our jewels, and expand distance in a first time instance// like expose the real birth of christ and how he wasnt born on christmas// i hope the corrupters get infected with e-coli aspartame and syphilis// it would reap our rewards from what their doing to us// wait and see when we bust, shots aint gonna rust// but blast through your tucked badge, and beat the savage// till he has blood clottage, their souls will rott through their cartalidge// secret arrests// when your comin for me you better be equipped with vests from all the stress// that yall put me through// 3rd times i flew but im not going back whew// i learned my lessons and tactics// to deal with these black magics now im hear breakin the statics// well defend our liberty, the statue casts an evil spell though filled with blashemy// through its cross dressing, and i aint even messing// said turned green from envy, but what about the science story// if exposed to oxygen or pathogen it turns green// using the black sun thats mean// abusing against the populi, only gonna have more of an open eye// of watch coming your way, so you better stay// in with locked doors, cause the real are gonna be winnin the scores// this aint no game its wars// im takin part in the sound battle, cause im no fuckin sheep or cattle//, and im not gonna scidaddle//, cause tattletales// forces are in effect, ima shine and reflect// onto their demon eyes, burning them while i protect my body// with my karate// then relax with that chick that shows pilaties// they say freeze for you to drop to your knees// but thats a disease, and the pledge of alliance// is similar to hitlers deviance// ima mad genious// im mean this// lost in the twiliight zone,

i think i did the bars right im not sure but im not about structure i just record it to a beat and it works out for me

they overturned the bill of rights and habias corpus, they want us performin tricks like a dolphin or a porpoise//

lack of communication, gonna get better with some syndication// tune up the station, for some information//

were here to use our jewels, and expand distance in a first time instance// like expose the real birth of christ and how he wasnt born on christmas//

These lines stuck out the most for me. Overall it was alright.

on that last part i meant i mean this, not im mean this
but thanks for the feedback

thanx viral, i feel loved lol

Lawgix wrote:thanx viral, i feel loved lol

word!...lol

Hm not bad yea but like everyone else said, you need to structure it a bit better..the 2nd post u did was better but still confused me here and there..maybe somethin u wanna work on, but yea pretty straight. return the favor.

I like the concept. Almost a "where i stand" type of deal like i do. The structure ruins this for me. I don't know how you could rap it on a beat like that.

falling for that phase, they want to kill me by my own laze, they overturned the bill of rights and habias corpus, they want us performin tricks like porpoise

You made good points. And these bars could have been nice shit, using or in that situation took away from the effectiveness. In the above bars i removed the dolphin line. Sounds better now. Its like you used dolphins just to prove that porpoise do tricks. No need to convince just write your bars.

I like some of your transitions. Though some of them lead to fillers.

For example:

in with locked doors, cause the real are gonna be winnin the scores// this aint no game its wars/

That mini-bar didn't do much for the piece.

I like how the ending didn't rhyme. Very good trick to do. To keep your listeners thinking.

If this was structured better. I'd leave more feedback. It was pretty nice. I want to see more writtens from you.

8.4/10

Now thats feedback fucks. Not "nice work". People who volunteer do "nice work" we are rappers.

complexity wrote:I like the concept. Almost a "where i stand" type of deal like i do. The structure ruins this for me. I don't know how you could rap it on a beat like that.

falling for that phase, they want to kill me by my own laze, they overturned the bill of rights and habias corpus, they want us performin tricks like porpoise

You made good points. And these bars could have been nice shit, using or in that situation took away from the effectiveness. In the above bars i removed the dolphin line. Sounds better now. Its like you used dolphins just to prove that porpoise do tricks. No need to convince just write your bars.

I like some of your transitions. Though some of them lead to fillers.

For example:

in with locked doors, cause the real are gonna be winnin the scores// this aint no game its wars/

That mini-bar didn't do much for the piece.

I like how the ending didn't rhyme. Very good trick to do. To keep your listeners thinking.

If this was structured better. I'd leave more feedback. It was pretty nice. I want to see more writtens from you.

8.4/10

Now thats feedback fucks. Not "nice work". People who volunteer do "nice work" we are rappers.

yeah...not sure i if i said nice work tho?...but thanks for remindin me im a rapper...lol

Lmao. Viral. No you said "word". It was a shot at Invisible thats what I always see him type.

Anyway at least acknowleding the piece is better then nothing i guess.

word

"Now thats feedback fucks. Not "nice work". People who volunteer do "nice work" we are rappers."

i leave constructive critism all the time, even if some else posted a verse exactly how I would've wrote it I'd still leave critism