Hip Hop Forum

My pen’s the needle, the paper’s the vial
What I’ve got to say makes people tune their dials.
Each verse I bleed out is a lil part of me
Something I leak out for you and the world to see.
I hear what’s getting air play, it’s like they trying to change the game
And it feel like the radio ain’t the same mayne
It seems like they all rewording the same script
Like Kamaal said, “Same hoes, same blow, same glock clip”
But what you’re getting is really myself
I take my examining my inner self
So I took the name Inner State
Using it to release me from these chains before it’s too late
And whether I made a mistake it’s up for debate
All I know is that I can only forge on
Remember the night is darkest before dawn
And so a new day begins for me to take on.

I liked your first three lines and your last three lines. I felt ya had a pretty good metaphor with the pen being the needle, the paper being the vial thing. I also like the metaphor of the dawn of a new day in the last three lines. Everything in between those two parts I wasn't feeling as much, the ideas your expressing have been expressed so much I feel like some creativity to find other ways to express it would make your meaning seem more potent. I think a major thing that could really enhancing your writing would be some vocabulary building, your vocab is mostly made up of one syllable, real basic words. When I first started writing rhymes, one thing I used to do to enhance my vocabulary and train my ear to really feel the rhyme, was I took a rhyming dictionary and tried to just freestyle using as many of the words in one section of the dictionary as possible. This helped me internalize some new words, and helped me become more comfortable with what kind of rhyme scheme really works, as well as helped me become a much better freestyler. I think you could maybe benefit from something like that. Another thing is just read a bunch of the real nice stuff from some of the cats in here, there's handful of writtens that are real stellar (check out Ruckus, Rugged, or some of mine, as well as quite a few others for some ideas)

"Hang in there."

You need to focus on the basics and go from there.

Good luck.

I thought this piece was cool
not really tryna be impressive
but at the same time tryna get seen
i see what your doing man, not the most original idea
but still cool to see, either way keep writing shawty!