Hip Hop Forum

These are some lyrics for a song I'm doing with the beat by "Digital Midnight". The beat is blues style, with some BB King guitar samples. The singing parts are also sung blues style. The first line is a quote from an Albert King song (he's a kickass blues artist from days of yore)...

<sing>
//“everybody wanna go to heaven, but nobody wants to die”
everybody wanna flow with rhythm, but ain't no one wanna rise
everybody wanna know the reason, without even asking why//
</sing><rap>
I got trouble on my mind, and a will to build the rhyme,
To distill and sift a little bit a' mental venom from the serpent's subtle presence.
Now I'm delvin' down to where the devil dwells- in his never realm,
where the bells toll with a tell-tale tone- that repels souls and assaults sound
like a hiss from the pulpits, expressed within fierce breath
that'll pierce hearts 'till they fear death./</rap><sing>
/everybody wanna go to heaven, but nobody wants to die//</sing><rap>
What appears next is a gloominess
that'll doom every step
to the deepest of regrets
'till depression finally settles in the depths.
This is the blues of the West,
where the grim brimstone odes
avalanche
falls upon the hollow souls
of the fallen blindly following an image and a mold...
The damage done to the globe by evangelist vandals
has smothered man's soul with another damned door
slammed (in his face) before he had the chance to explore them gates- to forevermore.
This cancer contorts evidence and deforms every answer within,
but the candle can kindle again./</rap><sing>
/everybody wanna flow with rhythm, but ain't no one wanna rise.//</sing><rap>
i got trouble on my mind, and a will to build a rhyme, 'till they feel it in the sky.
Eyes look to the Concourse on High
and strive to arise to the portal in this life,
For the fortify the fire inside, takes more than one try.
In accordance with the morning star
let us rise above the boulevard
and motivate the whole of our- total sum, near or far.
Let the drums and guitar be up under the stars.
Let the hundreds of bars be at one with the Covenant that covers our roots
with the love of God, Allah, or whatever Name you choose
to invoke to ascend
to the heaven within every level of existence that we in./
Ready every man of honor to be livin' in the vision of tomorrow./</rap><sing>
everybody wanna go to heaven, but nobody wants to die
everybody wanna flow with rhythm, but ain't no one wanna rise
everybody wanna know the reason, without even asking why
</sing> x3

Okay, I like this concept. You are solid with your vocab and your imagery. Nicely done. The biggest problem I saw here was your structure. I actually had to stop reading to find the flow, then read again, then stop, and that takes away from most readers, because they want things to be as simple for them as possible. So working on your structure would be a plus. Also, see if you cant toy with some wordplay in verses like this. Sometimes its hard to do, or it comes out forced, but if it can be done, it usually brings another element to the piece, and expands your limits. Keep doing what you do famz. One.

Maaaan you need to quit fuckin' around and drop the track
mu'fucker, lulz, either way this was dope man, the concept is on point
that lil' hook thing is on point too, I like the idea you brought with this
I mean I really can't say much this time around just drop the track brah
and make sure what it is...is hitting, peace!