Hip Hop Forum

Home is where the heart is
But home is my darkness.
On my way there I remember-
Why I left here,
My burden I could no longer bear.
They said lean on me
But instead I weaned off thee.
Uprooting myself from what I knew,
Thinking I could start anew
But what I did was I blew
Away the morals I used to obey.
Trapping these in a maze
Of my mind so only I could gaze
Into them. Even I was amaze
That they stayed trapped in my mind
And to those around me I lied.
Created a persona that I barely believed
And my past I bereaved.
Funny cuz I felt the loss
And for it I paid the cost.
And now as I open the door
My past life and grief outpoured.


I want some feedback on this. It's one of my first verses and I'm really looking to improve them.

The imagery was the glue that held this piece together. The rhymeschemes were basic overall. Could have used a few multies in places to make the rhymes pop more. The flow was pretty decent overall, but the bars were a bit on the short side IMO. What you have structures as two lines should be one line. So in theory the flow is good, but the rhyme scheme changes too soon, if that makes sense. But this is a good start. Keep developing your lyrical abilities and add in your imagery and emotion and you'll be set.

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ok it was alright for your first drop... i would Suggest u use multiple syllables in your rhymes...
U Can Read more About Them In The Center Of Elevation Or Ask Someone In The Shout Box To Explain More In Depth... Basically Make a chain Of Rhyming Words Match Another Chain Or Rhyming Words With The Same Amount OF Syllables Per Word ...Or Something Close To That...it Would Also Help To Incporporate Some Metaphores And Similies In There For The Entertainment Factor... Other Than That U Got Ur Message Across... Those Ideas Will Give Ur Verse More Enjoyability... 1

Thanks guys for the feedback.

That they stayed trapped in my mind,And to those around me I lied.
Created a persona that I barely believed,And my past I bereaved.
Funny cuz I felt the loss,And for it I paid the cost.

this is a good starting point,had some good ideas weaved in there, just need 2 try 2 expand alittle..

take a look around and read some work of of other, it will help alot just 2 see a better structure