Hip Hop Forum

I smoke a fat joint, drink on a forty
tell storys, ain't no hope for the shortys, they abandoned like baby mothers on maury, I'm goin with guts for the glory, this is my big shot so i take it like robert horry

I'm destined to win, victory i soak it in, hope not to be selling coke again,
back in the same boat again, what ocean am I floating in?, the bermuda triangle,
cuz i'm lost and my guardian angel has no halo, from the evil i do, i swear i'm goin to choke my P.O. in his cubicle,black gloves no d.n.a in my cuticles, suspect as usual, americas most wanted, i create carnage, when i bust shot thru your garmets, unload a full cartridge to have you missing like hoffas carcus.

Hmm. Def a key. You need to work on ya structure so ppl can follow it better

.....A.......B
.....A.......B
instead of
.......A.............A........A.....B......A etc

Besides that, rhymes are a bit basic. Try to pick a topic and stick with it. Tell it in a way that you feels creative and that others wouldn't say it in (original). Stay up, welcome to da site and keep droppin nigga.

Word the beggining was simple but even in this lil key theres progress....toward the end u tried to put some comples usage of words..and a lil meta in there.. just be creative like jack said and put a lil work in and u good

^ hahahaha. I know this like 2 days old but damn that cracked me up. I love how direct TOYH is. This nigga never sugar coats ANYTHING. Funny.

Actually. The way that Ruggged fixed the structure, made the verse read a lot smoother.

"I'm goin with guts for the glory/
This is my big shot so i take it like robert horry/
I'm destined to win, victory i soak it in/
Hope not to be selling coke again/"

My favorite lines.

The rest of the feedback applies. Don't be discouraged. If you learn the fundamentals, you'll get a lot better in no time.