Hip Hop Forum

as the savage masses of average bastards staggered across pasteurs
usin sadness to fuel madness while they ravage the castles
armed fools with farm tools bring harm to- those who grew up in charm school
army wieldin weapons buildin zeppelins still lack the heart to kill these henchmen
no mages or dragons but the war wages with passion paid assasins makin ways through labyrinths
cages keepin madmen for ages till this happened now theyre dangerous and attackin
till fates tapped him and asked him to lead this breed of half wits to glory for absolution of his past sins
these heathens believe that freedom will ring when this seasoned demon commits to beatin the king
...bare witness ive risen from my hole and given an oath
consider my sentence ended pennance paid and know
i will use my time in this prison cell to give the simpletons the wisdom of hell ...
as the fates called to the reaper to summon the keeper let him know Sorrow will leave here...
all hear the clamor of chains as kane releases the reigns
the beast is unleashed ready to feast on his pains
theres a rage in his veins ingrained in his brains
but he begs for the rain cuz for so long hes bathed in the flames
as news of his repentance enters the seventh level of heaven
the seraphs are sent in to check him and confirm his ascension
and as a reply to his cries hes baptized beneathe the skies
his eyes open and the tears begin flowin as an explosion of emotions flow over him
theyve chosen him to go and win the hearts and minds of the soldiers and
get them to follow u,Sorrow tomorrow u will stand tall and true as the world will witness the fall of zues
for now go to the chapel prepare for battle gather ur army plan ur assault on the castle....

You remind me of myself
I used to write like this and shit is dope
I'm lovin' it man the flow is sick...like you just goin' off
and people is like what the fuck!!!!!!!

very smooth tho'....mayb fix it up a lil' bit
you comin' up in the game tho'...really did your thing!
keep writing!

bare witness ive risen from my hole and given an oath
consider my sentence ended pennance paid and know
i will use my time in this prison cell to give the simpletons the wisdom of hell ...
as the fates called to the reaper to summon the keeper let him know Sorrow will leave here...
all hear the clamor of chains as kane releases the reigns
^^^^^^^^^^^this was cool I kinda missed the whole rhymin' thing tho'

so it kinda trailed right here, still dope tho"!!!!!!

i appreciate the positive feed. do u have n e examples or suggestions on how i would fix it up does it come off choppy when u read it, am i over doin it the lack of punches lessen the impact just wanna get better and ur one who id heed the advice so... thanks

you start off your work good
the wording goes in and all that
but sometimes the rhymes don't come out well

I mean if I said

Let em know the telephone ain't goin' to help get em home
E.T. mu'fuckers are all night truckers no doz 2 time suckers

it might sound good on a audio or as you say it

but the text just comes off differently
punches will come with time, I used to have trouble with punches
and as soon as you do that you should be able to do one liners
so keep writing and stay focused!!!!!!!!!!

gotcha mayne thank u much appreciated