Hip Hop Forum

1. When I close my eyes all I see is bloody red
2. Visions of demons constantly fill my fuckin head
3. The medicine they got me on doesn’t help
4. It got me feelin different people say Im not myself
5. Plus my belly’s gettin bigger from drinking hella beers
6. Im so depressed I can’t kick it without my peers.
7. My worst fears is that Im fuckin up my health
8. And without a job It’s hard to organize my wealth
9. So I gotta come up and stop fuckin around
10. Unless I find a million bucks on the ground
11. I gotta do yoga and open all my chakras
12. Eat healthy and stay away from grease and chocolates
13. But Im a beast a monster it’s hard for me to change
14. After 24 years of doin the same thangs
15. I realize now that the powers deep within me
16. And when I open up my eyes I am my only enemy

This was alright....not the GREATEST written ever
but give it some time and you'll elevate my friend...
keep writing and keep doin' you! now go enjoy the wonders of life

A) Leave feedback on other pieces.

B) I actually like the topic, the self improvement idea. And I agree eating healthy is real important. As far as the lyrical abilities that you displayed, they need to be drastically improved, I'd suggest starting with using more solid rhymes.

"11. I gotta do yoga and open all my chakras
12. Eat healthy and stay away from grease and chocolates"

That is not a strong rhyme, and on top of that, who the hell knows what a chakra is.

I'll keep reading your pieces, just add a bit more substance next time.