Hip Hop Forum

There's a hip-hop contest coming up at my school for amateur writers and the topic is basically suppose to be about yourself showing off your skill at whatever style you excel at. So I need all the criticism that you've got so I can make this better cuz I would really like to win.

Yo I'ma start it off, I'ma set the pace
I'm a vet in this race and I'm threat for first place
Get me a cigarette and I'll shred the bass
then ash my verse...cuz I left it ablaze
I'll flash some verbs that'll just impress and amaze
and you could say the mic sneezed the way I blessed the stage
I'm riding every beat like the crest of a wave
so follow me like a tweet cuz the bar's just been raised
Like cheap car insurance, I'ma "Progressive" Emcee
Ink stamps or impersonators aren't as "impressive" as me
like wrecked fleets I'm deep; like checked kings that retreat
expect success in a blink, when I express what I think
The "Noblest"; I'm elite; "Barnes" was inspired by me
Fiery finesse on the beat, I set off alarms when I speak
A prodigy at age three, displayed amazing technique
unphased by weeks of critique; "unparalleled" I'm obligue
in a nutshell, I'm unique; some say I'm selfish and reckless
but I'm overzealous, obsessed with, being a perfect text specialist
Jealous? Don't dwell on it. Just believe my script's sicker
"Notorious" for eyein' photos cuz I see the "BIG" picture
I'ma writer the realest, I'ma rhymer the illest
If you trying to be divine, here my lines, steal this
My inate skill gets recognition for real though
here's the deal, I'm Webster's Definition of Lyrical

this was pretty consistant with similes and metaphors which is straight. Rhyme scheme is deadly, you held down the scheme for quite a while in each stanza, pretty impressive actually. Multis on point for the most part, overall this piece is pretty good. what it needs is a good old fashioned polish. some points in the verse it seemed like you sacrificed the flow to match the scheme. Also you might wanna consider increasing your vocab. Although, if you get overboard on vocab it can also be the downfall of a piece, you gotta incorperate it where it fits without effecting your flow and scheme. Also, the first four lines I wasn't feeling in this, they were kinda eeeh, and the opening to a piece is important cause you're trying to grab the audiences attention. Just as the opener is important so is the closer, even more so actually. So make sure that gets the most polishing cuz when you drop the mic you wanna leave a mark that stands out. Other than that the piece is pretty nice I'd have to say. Best of luck in your competition thing...1

Good job man.

I have no problem with this at all. When working on elevating, its these type of verses, that are monumental in that process. Keeping a nice rhyme scheme, moving through similes. I like how you didn't put too much emphasis on some of the wordplay, its good. Keep it up.