Hip Hop Forum

It was weird lookin' at my own shadow on the wall
Peelin' thoughts out my head as I would stand and it fall
Feelin' like I'm at the bottom as I peek around to see it
It replies with hatred, How could someone like me even be this
Reflections of my own feeling's, my own figure in formal shapes
But inside of me, The outline of my heart feelin' like Alexander the Great
Mistakes I can't make, Problems i can't make!
Just wondering if whatever I throw at it, what it'll take?
Haha, I can't believe that I'm sittin' here blowed staring at a blank wall
At an undefined figure, That I can't see to figure out at all
Oh no, Looks like it's shrinkin' minute after minute, what's going on?!
Seem's like, life's gettin shorter, how will I be able to end this song?!
The bright light, getting dimmer, dimmer by the second
Why is this happening, so fast... Can I make it?!
Oh no, my lungs inside feelin' like full ballons, their so tight
The day outside is speedin' away too fast into night
My only fear, Will I die, just because my shadow is not there
Only one minute away until this blank space is not completely there
I scream, I yell, I cry with all my Heart
Then -swoosh- it's completely gone...
Sittin' there, lying fair, Dead and gone in the dark!

I have a written with this same type of concept
either way this was dope
I'm diggin' the vibe
then again the structure threw me off a bit
unless it's just me....
actually.....this seems like a poem....nonetheless
fix it up a bit and maybe you'll REALLY get your point across

Lyrically, I think you can get a little more vivid, a little more subjective and a little more diverse. You used basic syllable flow in a topic where you could flip it with all types of metaphores and word play.

It was a very good topic and read well, but more like a short story rather than a verse.

I'll keep an eye on your growth. You have mad potential.

Thanks for the feed.

yeah came off as more of a slam poetry type of rythm..still touched some nice concepts..could've maybe
gave some of the metas a lil more imagery..def a good first drop homey keep'em comin..1