Hip Hop Forum

i lost my first 2,
so fuckin wat
like the mile high club
ima stay fuckin up
watch me snap back
like a broke spinal cord
im shaq rappin wit a rebound
ima take over the rhymin board

ok im ready

these dirty fiends hittin pipes often/
itll have em up and down, like mario warpin/
crackhead shoulda named her kid annie/
cuz her childs basically an orphan/
no money but she out beggin for hits/
so niggas crack-her, but minus the ritz/
no teeth her chin always soakin in spit/
no nerd but she geeked, tweaked, aint ate in a week/
they aint bb-q when she lays in a daze thinkin bout chips/
not lookin for a repair man when she need another fix/
stealin steel wool, but she aint cleanin nothin/
she gettin glass roses, but they aint from her husband/
toothless smile so disgusting/
front yard litterd wit beer bottles/
she shakin them all like "oh heres a swallow"/
u can hardly see her eye, but when u do theyre hollow/
ouch, i think she smoked her soul away/
she slouch, bent up like a couch that folds away/
next step for her? a white strecher...that rolls away/
but here where the story gets cursed, turn for the worse/
mom..i was ridin shotgun in the hearse/
well i guess theres a lesson 2 learn/
and it gets drilled harder in my brain, every time i look at ur urn...

"she shakin them all like "oh heres a swallow"/
u can hardly see her eye, but when u do theyre hollow/
ouch, i think she smoked her soul away/"


thats mad good dude ^^^
insane imagery

the rest of it was really deep, painted a picture in my head

n the storyline sorta reminded me of "josephine" by Ghostface killah, which is a sick song


but i agree with TOYH
make your bars a little more complex and they'll be fucking ill

thanx yall i appreciate the feedback, im always open for advice.

You had some very nice similies and word play SOS...as TOYH mentioned, you still wanna avoid basic rhymes like hits, spits, chips, worse, hearse, curse, etc...

The imagery here was very detailed.. very good. Nice read.

liked the repair man/fix line...

appreciated and noted, much love big homies

damn, i had to read it twice to fully appreciate the first part since i didn't know who it was about until the end but this shit was good. realish/deep stuff always has more emotion in it and you can see it here by the way you painted the picture.

as far as criticism, i noticed the rhyme scheme changed throughout the piece and at the beginning it threw me off the flow a little bit but aside from that i would agree with the above about the complexity of the rhymes but i see the hints of the multis so i know you're grasping the concept.

"ouch, i think she smoked her soul away/
she slouch, bent up like a couch that folds away/
next step for her? a white strecher...that rolls away/"

That was probably one of my favorite lines from this piece

thanx, and again much luv big homies, appreciate it

no money but she out beggin for hits/
so niggas crack-her, but minus the ritz/
no teeth her chin always soakin in spit/
no nerd but she geeked, tweaked, aint ate in a week/
they aint bb-q when she lays in a daze thinkin bout chips/
not lookin for a repair man when she need another fix/

liked this part^^ good flow and lyrics.


pretty nice scripture here fam keep dropping um

again good lookin, appreciate it. big upps, and stay up