Hip Hop Forum

First half of a story peice, 2nd half will done by the end of the week,

She's walkin into work and shes ten minutes late
lookin like her usual no make up on her face
Shes beautiful but to some it seems that shes a waste
she gave up on her dreams and their easily replaced
wont wake up and believe the degree of her mistake
so she drinks away the greif theres relief in every taste
she escapes, but just for a minute cuz shes caged
you in the same space once the feelin fades away
it aint always black or white but its all turnin grey
play the star every night but she falls on the stage
while the same crowd yells out its time for change
the time never came theres no need in bein sober
so her motivations low self esteem is even lower
you see her leanin over, you knew whats comin next
her eyeshadows runnin and shes pukin on her chest
confused she depressed, upset, like why
even try if you future leads to death she confessed
that shit aint been the same since her mother passed on
and daddy aint around with no lovin thats wrong
aint tryna bring ya down with another sad song
but its on, i see her gettin worse all the time
but
she flirts on the surface shes perfectly fine
so these urges emerge she deserves to be mine
what if im, the person she been seachin to find
ill take the rain away make it turn into shine
but im blind cuz people dont change til they need to
but still, its feelin right the way that i squeeze you
we chill, and then its like i hate when i leave you
you make'in me need you, i know you got a man
but all you do is cry and say he dont understand
so the time flys by while it lies in ya hands
if your ridin wit him then i gotta let you step
but.. i know i could promise you the best
she hollowed out her bottle took a swallow and said yes

what? what you mean yes?

ill leave him for you


2nd half coming sooon......

This reminds me of somethin'?
nonetheless a dope piece really diggin' the flow
the story was onpoint aswell
very nicely structured...keep writing
can't wait for the 2nd piece!

I was feelin this whole thing man, like most of your drops
Tho. i thought the flow in the first verse was kinda sketchy at times, In general the whole thing was sick ,
The second verse especially stood out to me.
I could see the emotion you put in it.

I give it a 8/10

Cant wait for part 2 !

It reminded me of TLC's "Chasin' Waterfalls"... at least the first half, then you got all sappy with turning clouds into shine or something like that lol.

still worth the read Jay.

Bumping this because i keep going back to this written everytime i go on illest

Bumping also because i want haze to see this and FUCKING FINISH IT GAHH

Overall, this was good. I agree with the dude above me who said you had a sketchy flow in the first verse at times. And some of your rhyming was forced like

aint tryna bring ya down with another sad song
but its on, i see her gettin worse all the time
but

was forced and yeah that's it man overall a good and well thought out rhyme

does dude come round anymore?