Hip Hop Forum

I rewrote the hook to Birdman's "4 My Town (Play Ball)", here's a link to the song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVEFwRdpgpM) if anyone wants to drop a verse, I will add mine later when I have more time:

Hook:
When you see me with my notebook, man you know I'm writin' down
bits and pieces of new thesis, so please just quiet down
I need beats and paper sheets, I ain't tryin to fight a round
but if you beefin' I ain't leavin til I slice you up with nouns
I murder nerds with words, yea I got a deadly sound
Observe my verse and curse cuz it's better than yours now
and if you plan on hatin' then i hope you brought your A-game
I'm the brightest and the flyest, I'm allergic to the ground

-- Mon Dec 07, 2009 10:16 am --
verse 1:

all hail mr. lyrical
i dont spit, i exhale miracles
i spin yarns my next tale needs visuals
complex originals, blessed call 'em spirituals
i freeze creeks when i attack the rap stand
wack cats get smacked man with a flow that cracks dams
Your track's bland, trash, stash it in a can
Peter Pan type disses, your shots NeverLand
Damn!

verse 2:
unassailable, wind would fail to stop
derail trains with my brain and scatter your thoughts
I'll tatter yo image matter til the subject is shattered
leave your pride battered believe I'ma pierce it with daggers
quit trippin, you're walkin like you got your sox backwards
i spot actors with fake...as the common factor
Clock Pastor, praying for time to be the master
your rhyme's disaster, while mine keeps climbing faster

That's a long ass hook...
LoL! it's almost like a verse

either way this was cool I caught the vibe
say what you had going on very nice
otherwise I'm really feeling the 2nd verse more

unassailable, wind would fail to stop
derail trains with my brain and scatter your thoughts
^^^That was dope! nice write keep it up!

Preciate the feedback bro.

Junior...Junior!!!

We have some work to do to get you closer to your true abilities. It will be a rocky trip, but absolutely worth it in the end.

"all hail mr. lyrical
i dont spit, i exhale miracles"

Very savvy. You need more lines like this.

Less like this.

"and if you plan on hatin' then i hope you brought your A-game
I'm the brightest and the flyest, I'm allergic to the ground"

In hip hop, there is an unspoken rule to writing, sound cool as possible.

When you talk about being allergic to the ground, it is unbelievably corny. How can you test this rule. Try to imagine saying that to a friend in real life. He'd look at you weird, that is the same type of reaction you're getting from us.

You need to work on your vernacular, your fluidity, and your rhyme scheme. Them are the three most essential areas that you should focus on as a start.

Look up them words on dictionary, understand them, study them thoroughly, and be them with every line.

Practice a lot.

I'm not discouraging you. You're way better than I was when I started. I just wish that I had people around me who were giving me feedback instead of just trying to boost my confidence.