Hip Hop Forum

Call the swine! It's Columbine, part 2
All this time, these thoughts of mine have brewed
Small minds: crawl and hide, or just depart soon
I scrawled some rhymes and a work of art ensued

The DJ stopped the harmonics, no I "ain't ok"
I was gonna drop "on it" and come back with an "ak"
The beat mopped up the phonics, put 'em on display
Now every MC rockin' sonnets wants to join the soiree

It's a full house, no Poker, but I'm one of a kind
"Fueled vowels" will choke ya til ya lungs are "maligned"
No mercy is in me, so I murk MC's by deliverin'
Lines fresh from my memory, so cold you'll be shiverin'

Rhymes surge in my brain, like blood pulsing through veins
Lines purged from my frame, flood souls like it's rain
I paint pictures with scriptures, when pressure screws with my mind
Possessed by the stress I must write a new rhyme

Tongue blazing mimics gun raising cynics;
Not done spraying lyrics, til the sun rays revere it
No one phases my spirit, my words serve as a valve
turnin problems to prose, I'ma Alchemist now

Rhymes surge in my brain, like blood pulsing through veins
Lines purged from my frame, flood souls like it's rain
I paint pictures with scriptures, when pressure screws with my mind
Possessed by the stress I must write a new rhyme
^^^^ that woulda been doooppe if worded differently

I felt it in some parts other parts was just mmmhmmm
otherwise tweaking the wording and length would prolly make this seem a bit smoother
I think you could do better tho' keep writing!

I see you setting the concept up and everything but the execution is where this one lacked, IMO. Bars 3 & 4 seem outta place, contrived. And then the next 4 bars after that seem like they were just devoted to spittin with no apparant connection to the opener. And then you kinda just ended on an "ehh"

I can see the skill tho, I'll keep checking you out.