Hip Hop Forum

tried summin a lil newish less wordplay a lil more depth
honest crit please
its not finished yet will be other verses added if anyones got anything they want to drop plz do always up for collabs n if any producers see summink they like or have anything to complement this please do

-- Tue Nov 10, 2009 5:51 pm --

iv got a problem with britain, this monotonous system
where neither knowledge or wisdom, can warrant position
meaning possible visions, of a quality living
arent whats offered to children, that are poverty stricken/
if the commons would listen, instead of the ominous tactics
to make money from expenses, taken from populus taxes
we can ablolish this killing, by offering a passage
and consolidate the middle, top and bottom of classes/
coz the contrast is massive, and theyve kept it witheld
that the top 600,000 hold 50 percent of the wealth
leaving us to peasants to dwell amongst empethetical selves
the manual tendons defenceless it where the tensions are felt/
so my message is help, why dont our lives qualify
to be upwardly mobile but our lifes a borrowed line
i steal a shirt and get a proper fine, that ur horrored by
i thought our society doesnt frown upon white collar crime/







u no im sick of news coz its the wing they choose
depends wots introduced and who they interview
this aint no childrens school so y they think for u
controlling my head i refuse for the principle/
that this isnt the truth, im honest its robbery
this knowledge economy its made college a lottery
coz oxbridge its gotta be to have a wallet like top mps
the scottish with policies thats mocking our sovreignty/
they promise democracy well then how did this happen
ur all stuck in the past with this nostalgia fashion
of powers managed covered and founded in latin
under the table like cowards in banks sticks bound it n gagged it/
and to the thousands sat in jobless wont help their case
they just dwell their fate on the welfare state
and to our future people stop using steal to choose whos equal
with an eye for an eye and a tooth for a needle/



changes have been made in the first verse
thanks for all feed back
uppin

iv got a problem with britain, this monotonous system
where neither knowledge nor wisdom, can warrant position
meaning possible visions, of a quality living
arent whats offered to children, that are poverty stricken/

Nice opening, I was immediately pulled in by the message and the multi's did a good job of keeping it entertaining

if the commons would listen, instead of the ominous tactics
to make money from expenses, taken from populus taxes
we can ablolish this killing, by offering a passage
and consolidate the middle, top and bottom of classes/
coz the contrast is massive, and theyve kept it witheld
that the top 600,000 hold 50 percent of the wealth

I was still feelin' this part too, especially the third line (nice use of vocab) and the last line with the statistics

so my message is help, this is my reference in hell
coz my bretheren have fell, trying to extend themselves/
how can we exit this shell, why dont our lives qualify
to be upwardly mobile but our ifes a borrowed line

I don't know if I missed something here or not, but I wasn't really feelin' this part

i steal a shirt and get a proper fine, that ur horrored by
i thought our society doesnt frown upon white collar crime/

This part actually made me laugh at loud, IMO it was a great way to end this.

Overall, nice drop and I'm lookin forward to the rest of it.

yeah this was nice
the multies were dope
the lyrics had the right message
get too ya PM's i have a proposal for you
aiight nice shyt here
keep'em comin

thanks for all the feedback guys, especially for the breakdown j ima work on that section coz i was a bit sceptical of that section. thanks for the crit guys

This is slick as hell. Love the multies, the content is excellent. Definitely add to this. The flow was very fluid except for: "coz my bretheren have fell, trying to extend themselves/"... the end rhyme could be reworked to fit the multi and would make the flow flawless. Good shit though.

My man Toke- Very creative... honestly didn't know they had proverty in the UK, didn't see any when I visited years ago... (shows what I know).
Your multi's and flow improve with every drop...
and your closer was real nice "white collar crime" for stealing a shirt -- damn clever

Riggz

edited the 1st verse and an additional second verse probably guna re write it tho

Well. I learned a lot about Britain in this piece. It was very similar to the type of style that I employ when writing about the US or global issues.

Yes. You didn't use quite enough wordplay or metaphors, but when you did they were effective.

A few parts were sketchy, when you were on a bad rhyme scheme, it showed.

"that this isnt the truth, im honest its robbery
this knowledge economy its made college a lottery
coz oxbridge its gotta be to have a wallet like top mps"

You know that you shouldn't have included them bars because they were forced. In a case where you'd want to use a rhyme like oxbridge and college, sometimes its best to sneak them in with inners instead of making them the center focus. Little things like that are quite obvious to experienced writers. We all make these kind of mistakes, even rappers like Nas, but you try to avoid them.

In the beginning, you demonstrated a great understanding of how to rhyme and convey a message.

The second verse had its ups and downs, albeit very enjoyable.

I love political raps. Just don't over saturate Illest with them or you will decrease your amount of feedback, I promise.