Hip Hop Forum

It must of bin about half eight
I spotted on the path way
jackie walking in
as always she look class mate
I caught her eye she half waved
she speeding up my heart rate
I want her now
like rick waller scales blud I can't wait
her lips and her ass shaped
she's got the colour mocha skin
everything from her laughs ace
her chest her pose her pins
holding beauty like a vast scape
the kind I hope to win
but me trying back in last place
I'm just a hopeless kid
but what toby said's impressive
as he listed facts
until she gets the message
she ain't gonna think of that
now u could lose in a second
you could win her hand
there's the water but can't step it
until you bridge the gap
I stood and figured that
of course if I could try
converse with her
and maker laugh all night
I had a great time I can't deny
it must be something she said
I jus died in her arms that night

Token, i'm feelin this.. takes me back to "Back in the days when I was young I'm not a kid anymore but somedays I sorta wish I was a kid again.." The opener kept me with the multi's...stayed on subject throughout.. I liked it man.

Cheers man the feedback is much appreciated

cool...keep it up

you have the right idea with the multies and shit i guess but to be honest bro this really isnt much, the rhymes are really kinda simple and the story doesnt have much of a plot, my suggestion is just put a little more thought into what youre writin, i dont mean to be a dick man its just honest criticism peace keep droppin

cheers haze appreciate the feed, can u give me an example to improve this please coz i want to make it a track which will give it a plot, but to make it a better verse i need the crit

can i ask did u notice the switch ups coz u sed it was simple n switch ups arent simple to keep on topic

thanks again for the feedback to rig, qwater n haze, all feedback good and bad is appreciated