Hip Hop Forum

the whole of my soul is simply the will to control
my muscles, organs, and bones are sculpted solely of stone
i've stolen status from saturn, the roman titan of time
and with the flick of a wrist it is a synch to rewind
to the primordial brine, where serpents swim without spines
and spit a bar to the bog to give it something of mine
the DNA of a don, designed only to rhyme,
and to stay on a grind, and to attack with the mind
ancestor to every creature, you're descendants of mine
i am the optimus prime, that means the first and the greatest
how could this masterful maestro be the descendant of slaves?!
because from cradle to grave, my mind is sharp as a glaive
and the verses i spit could cut a week into 8 days
i'm traveling 8 ways, like heads of orochi, i could strike like a serpent
so don't you ever approach me, and you should never envoke me
i need a sacrifice daily, one guilty and an innocent
a killer and baby, i only deal in the definite
never utter a maybe, i do not come with controllers
so do not think you can play me.

this is good work, it has gr8 visualisationz and intrigue, i think sometimes you were carrying on tho when u shoulda stopped and started something new


to the primordial brine, where serpents swim without spines
and spit a bar to the bog to give it something of mine


right here is where it srarted to seem stretched, so i would reccomend you try and keep more diversity and use versatility to keep going thru with fresh stuff and then drop back in again with the same rhymescheme u were using before tha switchup and then ya whole stfructure begins to have a better impact on the reader rather than repetitiveness.

this might not be the case if you reworded ya grammer and used much improved rhyme skillz with longer words

all in all tho it was a strong txt drop, id be interested in a master piece from u now n then

thanks for the critique i'll keep what you said in mind