Hip Hop Forum

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/first ... tml#112636

Ok first 2 verses of a song im working on.
Feedback much appreciatede.

My words form perfect symmetry - my imagery is second sight/
my tongue cuts like a razor knife - hurt more than any weapon might/
slicin through you parasites, your pack of lies has turned to dust/
a soldier of the gallows fires arrows in his murder lust/
me? im just that Grim Reap - keeper of this dark place/
where stars race past face for fast paced heartbreak/
calm face - march straight - impossible to fabricate/
you either earned your stripes or you just chat a bag of fake/
shit man this shit man is medicine to sick man/
before their poison take you down to earth like its quicksand/
rip man apart with iron bars - chasin white lines/
surgically dispersin verses - dawn til its night time/
lifelines are severed with these methods of terror/
whatever - you aint got my measure, not ever/
forever man my calibre will knock you down n damage ya/
ya corpse amidst the gaze of these vultures,crows n scavengers....


This barbaric spitin savage got a marriage with misery/
n visually - you can picture lyrical artillery/
with millitary abillity to decimate - exterminate/
any man who ever test? - chain em to the pearly gates/
lunatics assume this is a tune of random foolishness/
when words turn into action we'll see who really true to his/
my unit is so ruthless - villains in the trenches/
mentalists - ready skilled in killin your defences/
hence this,eccentric - statement of intent shit/
fuck around i put you down n knock you out ya senses/
this heretic is very quick n heavy sick with cinematic/
automatic verses you could say its just a force of habit/
sort to ravish soundscapes n move amongst the slaughter/
with mortar rounds drownin like fire would in water/
with a quarter of herb to take me back to the earth/
cos every man has gotta die n go back to the dirt.....

Overall ya flow and rhymescheme and multi work is on point keep it up but you may find minor problems when converting it to audio bt notice i said MINOR so your good

yeah theres a few lines still stickin when i spit it but ill get them ironed out..this just the rough draft.
thanks for feedback.

ups

^^^for feed

GrimBlaze wrote:http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/first ... tml#112636

Ok first 2 verses of a song im working on.
Feedback much appreciatede.

My words form perfect symmetry - my imagery is second sight/
my tongue cuts like a razor knife - hurt more than any weapon might/
slicin through you parasites, your pack of lies has turned to dust/
a soldier of the gallows fires arrows in his murder lust/
me? im just that Grim Reap - keeper of this dark place/
where stars race past face for fast paced heartbreak/
calm face - march straight - impossible to fabricate/
you either earned your stripes or you just chat a bag of fake/
shit man this shit man is medicine to sick man/
before their poison take you down to earth like its quicksand/
rip man apart with iron bars - chasin white lines/
surgically dispersin verses - dawn til its night time/
lifelines are severed with these methods of terror/
whatever - you aint got my measure, not ever/
forever man my calibre will knock you down n damage ya/
ya corpse amidst the gaze of these vultures,crows n scavengers....


This barbaric spitin savage got a marriage with misery/
n visually - you can picture lyrical artillery/
with millitary abillity to decimate - exterminate/
any man who ever test? - chain em to the pearly gates/
lunatics assume this is a tune of random foolishness/
when words turn into action we'll see who really true to his/
my unit is so ruthless - villains in the trenches/
mentalists - ready skilled in killin your defences/
hence this,eccentric - statement of intent shit/
fuck around i put you down n knock you out ya senses/
this heretic is very quick n heavy sick with cinematic/
automatic verses you could say its just a force of habit/
sort to ravish soundscapes n move amongst the slaughter/
with mortar rounds drownin like fire would in water/
with a quarter of herb to take me back to the earth/
cos every man has gotta die n go back to the dirt.....

My words form perfect symmetry - my imagery is second sight/
my tongue cuts like a razor knife - hurt more than any weapon might/

Ill opener...

where stars race past face for fast paced heartbreak/
calm face - march straight - impossible to fabricate/

Nice rhyming...

rip man apart with iron bars - chasin white lines/
surgically dispersin verses - dawn til its night time/

Cool wordplay.

surgically dispersin verses - dawn til its night time/
lifelines are severed with these methods of terror/

Good transition, something that I loved to do....

This barbaric spitin savage got a marriage with misery/
n visually - you can picture lyrical artillery/

I think thats a kinda dope bar even if the finisher was a let down..

with millitary abillity to decimate - exterminate/
any man who ever test? - chain em to the pearly gates/

Nice metaphor...

lunatics assume this is a tune of random foolishness/
when words turn into action we'll see who really true to his/

haha, don't mess with my homie here..

my unit is so ruthless - villains in the trenches/
mentalists - ready skilled in killin your defences/

Nice inner rhyming...

hence this,eccentric - statement of intent shit/
fuck around i put you down n knock you out ya senses/

I like the wording and the punch..

From there on out, its pretty much fire..

I really liked the wordplay and metaphors that were laced through this joint. I think you might have sacrificed content for rhyming a few times. I wouldn't harp on it much because the piece is still really solid. You're an exciting new face to Illest Lyrics, keep it up. Hopefully, you will get some more feedback.

thanks for the love and excellent feed man.

Yo my man I love how your verses read so on beat. I was spitting this shit aloud when I caught the rhythm in it. Some parts got off the beat a tiny bit. Overall I think this shit'll be fire over a ill ass dark beat. Im really enjoyin readin ya shit mayne! Kinda inspiring me to write some new shit

thanks bro...thats what i believe these boards is all about man..inspiring one another to keep elevating and perfectin this artform.
good looks.1.

i don't think too many instrumentals could do this justice, i'd jam this as an a cappella. you kept a simple structure without dumbing down

the beat i got for it is very simple...a lil bit like nas "one mic" but without the variation....perfect beat for lettin the lyrics shine.
good looks.

forever man my calibre will knock you down n damage ya/
ya corpse amidst the gaze of these vultures,crows n scavengers....


blazin' bar right there homie...that shit is cold, and everything just fits real well altogether. definitely put up the audio when you're done with this track...

hope to see more from you no doubt, and i'll be sure to check on your other drops. ~1~

good looks.