Hip Hop Forum

Posted: **Thu Jan 01, 2009 8:42 pm**

this is from my hip hop track jus though i'd see if i cud get feed in the scriptures on it

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/the-m ... 11776.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/the-m ... 11804.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/hip-h ... 11824.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/demonik-vt11822.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/the-r ... 11823.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/daily ... 11825.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/frees ... 11812.html

i live in spite-of-master-hatin mafuckas that strike-disasters-waitin
who might-here-after-wakin cant handle this sight-of-faster-satans
in-god-for-saken-lands a plot-be-creatin-plans too hot-for-satans-hands
am i makin sense a shot-for-makin-fans stopped like a clot-of-desercratin-sands
this is who i am this is who i be so i'm keep this between jus u an me
i started-with-writtens elevated then i departed-to-spittin lyrically-gifted
some say myshit too cute like i jus farted-on-kittens spiritually-shifted
aggravated-with-lines hadda get this-stated-in-rhymes how long i been waitin-this-time
i'm gone be makin-this-shrine to fuckas who step up but be fakin-their-spine
spineless like snakes-in-the-prime some people like snails but say they
hatin-the-slime the beef the breakin-of-teeth the rapin-of-beats
nikkas say they rappin uh uh they all demonstraightin-the-heat
they not bringin so they jus be statin-their-beef straightin-the-streets
settin-bad-examples they major bettin-clad-of-samples son gettin-mad-end-shambles
so shit spit to see the fun not wield a gun on my hip-is-a-belt
on ankle in a sock no a knife not a rock i hoped the shit-is-wots-felt
i split-for-my-health makes me better i aint gotta stick-for-my-wealth
i hope the world comes to their senses so they can see it-for-them-selves
i spit-to-excel target too high to hit-it-aswell as the haters-set-sail
debators-fret-bail while i'm a creator-get-hailed like roberies
people who think too slow WAIT-ers-get-jail stood on my feet
but still managed to get a status-as-fell they state-us-as-DELL
a misunderstanding few letters out i'll be waitin-in-HELL

Posted: **Fri Jan 02, 2009 4:45 am**

it was aiight dude
multis were def on point..but some seemed a bit forced
flow was great though..
the material was kinda bland a bit..

no hate

Posted: **Fri Jan 02, 2009 4:58 am**

I Mean..
Some were On The Forced Side...
& you tried to Change Up Multis in a Few Bars
But Still keep your Original Scheme.. that was coo
But you Didnt Size out the Bars right,like mash The schemes Together right.

Overall this was Alright
Could of Got More In depth With, but i See your Tryin to work on ya Multis
So Do ya Thing. just Keep goin.

Posted: **Sun Jan 04, 2009 7:49 pm**

aight thanks fo the feed dudes

Posted: **Mon Jan 05, 2009 3:56 am**

- Mutual Hostility - wrote:this is from my hip hop track jus though i'd see if i cud get feed in the scriptures on it

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/the-m ... 11776.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/the-m ... 11804.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/hip-h ... 11824.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/demonik-vt11822.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/the-r ... 11823.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/daily ... 11825.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/frees ... 11812.html

i live in spite-of-master-hatin mafuckas that strike-disasters-waitin
who might-here-after-wakin cant handle this sight-of-faster-satans

cool line

in-god-for-saken-lands a plot-be-creatin-plans too hot-for-satans-hands
am i makin sense a shot-for-makin-fans stopped like a clot-of-desercratin-sands

nice

this is who i am this is who i be so i'm keep this between jus u an me
i started-with-writtens elevated then i departed-to-spittin lyrically-gifted

word, good thought

some say myshit too cute like i jus farted-on-kittens spiritually-shifted
aggravated-with-lines hadda get this-stated-in-rhymes how long i been waitin-this-time

farted on kittens? thats so horribly corny

i'm gone be makin-this-shrine to fuckas who step up but be fakin-their-spine
spineless like snakes-in-the-prime some people like snails but say they

Some forced rhymes

hatin-the-slime the beef the breakin-of-teeth the rapin-of-beats
nikkas say they rappin uh uh they all demonstraightin-the-heat

No

they not bringin so they jus be statin-their-beef straightin-the-streets
settin-bad-examples they major bettin-clad-of-samples son gettin-mad-end-shambles

huh

so shit spit to see the fun not wield a gun on my hip-is-a-belt
on ankle in a sock no a knife not a rock i hoped the shit-is-wots-felt

no

i split-for-my-health makes me better i aint gotta stick-for-my-wealth
i hope the world comes to their senses so they can see it-for-them-selves

bad rhyming, but good concept

i spit-to-excel target too high to hit-it-aswell as the haters-set-sail
debators-fret-bail while i'm a creator-get-hailed like roberies

decent

people who think too slow WAIT-ers-get-jail stood on my feet
but still managed to get a status-as-fell they state-us-as-DELL
a misunderstanding few letters out i'll be waitin-in-HELL

thats alright

Overall, it was 5/10, a lot didn't make any sense, which is the most important part of writing because how can I relate to something that is impossible to understand?

Posted: **Mon Jan 05, 2009 9:51 pm**

thanks for the breakdown Plex

Posted: **Tue Jan 06, 2009 8:26 am**

flow and multis where both on point, it didnt seem to have a uhhm topic i guess, but if you were just trying to improve your multis and flow this was very good.. uhhm dont really know how to breakdown feed good other than that, but anyhow id say 7-10

Posted: **Tue Jan 06, 2009 12:41 pm**

plex broke it down perfect. imo. but you dont always need a topic. but if you're goin on some random tangent topical shit its the most important (because their is no structure or blueprint of where its going in a written sense) that you have to as much as you want to try and not to force anything the slightest bit otherwise in audio the shit wont come out clean and thats when more people catch all of our mistakes written or recorded.

Posted: **Tue Jan 06, 2009 8:13 pm**

thanks for the feed dudes will be returned

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