Hip Hop Forum

okay here is my first actual written whole track jus lookin fo feed


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lyrics:

uh fightin these demons

Chorus/Hook:
DEMONS
keep houndin me
DEMONS
cant stop em surroundin me
DEMONS
i wish i could pound em G
but i'm scared an thats profound to see

Verse 1:
Demons no givin me these evil thoughts
decietful sought comit one act of evil i dont wanna see the sequal caught
i'm spitin me equal part watchin in the shadows to see who really start
am i gettin stalked or caught up in my paranoia too scared to see the demons talk
my feelings halt comin to a stop my hearts failing too much pain too even walk
i dont die here no one knowing about my denied fear or will i be revived near
to appear as normal person but scared to unaware to open my eyes an peer
at the world a little girl can run an play am i that pitiful dispicable
depictable these words in my head what do they really mean do i care
are they really there or am i really crazy jus like the schoolkids said
KILL KILL will i end up dead if i follow these voices in my head
choices end up spread over my mind but i follow an rejoices dark instead

Chorus

Verse 2:
knife in the chest the wife is the best kill first to begin
am i willin to give up my live to let the voices win
yes KILL KILL but forgive me father cus i have sinned but fuck all u priests
said i was crazy but now i'm really disturbin the peace i'm not hidin atleast
as i start stabbin through the sheets i ran into the streets screamin
gleamin will darkness my minds beamin i'm heartless dreamin of fathers
if i could kill them it would leave the sons and daughters alone but sell
i'll kill everybody if i'm goin to hell then i'm a take everybody aswell
i didnt wanna be evil dark with a glock n a dime i got a lot on my mind
of which i forgot all this time i could've shot myself fine but till the very last line
of my very last rhymes about my scary past times now if we all rennovate
procrastinate back to my original state of peace will that the hate all cease
didnt think so i'll let the debate increase

Chorus

Verse 3:
okay i've killed two people becus of these ghosts but what do i hate the most
the fact that i really listened of the fact that i wanna boast i'm sick
ma*ucka theres a kid as i pull up my knife gave me somethin to excite
my mind to write this verse in spite stab him from behind dragin the body out of sight
cut his throat throw him in the lake walk lookin for yet another victim
i killed one lets find a girl to always stick with him thats when the police turn up
i see them cuffs swing the knife an i see their bluff pullin up guns what no bluff
swingin that knife was just enough for them to shoot an now i'm lookin up
lookin at a white star with a man shakin his head it's my dad he's ashamed
look at what i blamed the voices in my head or so proclaimed as i shout out his name
he fades away my sight fades to grey as the flames start risin around me i aint even debatin
i know this was my choice to kill an rehoice an now i'm bein taken by satan

Chorus

lol.. okay... quality isnt great right off the bat...

opening chrous is odd... theres like a humming in the back or some distortion.. lyrics for the hook are "alright"... i would have done it totally different, the way you say demons and the ways its used is just odd... it doesnt work imo.. repeating the word demons is unusual.. you should have wrote a standard hook with the word demon in it.. not repeating that word.. and the "profound to see" is an odd phrase, and seems to be put in to rhyme

first verse - to be honest.. flow was ON point.. until the "die here" line, there was a few stutters, but i could really catch it, so props there, multis nicely used.. after that line flow falls off quite a bit, seemes to do something different with the amount of words per line etc, which threw it off.. rhyming big words in a row is amateur hour, my adivce.. dont do it again.. it adds nothing except making you look at a loss for words and trying to sound smart.. the last part of this verse just got a lil crazy.. maybe intended? lol.. i dunno.. like "where are they? are they there? in my head? in my bed? i stop and stare." lol etc.. that kind of antics.. maybe kept on topic with a little bit more lyrical thought.. ya dig?..

beat is pretty cool.. its not the one i would have chose for this as it aint really pumpy enough if that makes sense lol

2nd verse - opener again was alright.. thought was cool, needed a wording change tho.. the "kill kill" thing isnt used well, i would have cut that out.. next ideas are okay but the thoughts are jumbled together and random if you seee what i mean, going from forgive me father i have sinned, quickly into "fuck you preiests" maybe a smoother transition between the thoughts, i know there related but it sounds sloppy put together lik that imo, the way you used gleamin, as a transitional rhyme was real smooth, thats how to use a rhyme like that.. really solid.. after this it kinda fell off, take everybody aswell bar was a good thought, but bad wording.. after that, you seem to be trying to do a kurse.. by rhyming alot, this didnt pay off imo.. it just was words that rhyme put together in a half coherent way.. it wasnt lke "omg hes' rhying and its aweseome" yano?...flow was also suspect in the last half like the first verse..

verse 3 - opener, lyrics seem louder than they where in previous verse, rhymeschme is unusual, the way you've set out the lyrics may make it harder to follow, you should have wrote them the way you said them with new setences for the start of a new thought.. if you get me.. "the fact that i really listened of the fact that i wanna boast " - could that be phrased more uncomfortably?... i dont think so.. lol.. you coulda done it like "the fact that i wanna boast, bout every act that morose" - got some rhymes in there, morose is an unusal word which fits the bill, everyones happy.. ya dig?.. last half of this, again thoughts where all over the show, bit hard to follow, flow was cool in the cuffs/ bluffs bit.. ending was weak.. just coulda been done better, the dad bit was cool, but the "aitn even debatin/satan" wasnt great

flow was surprisingly good in place, but fell off, due to wording and sentence length changes, the flow and the beat where okay, but could have matched up better, beat was dark and gothic, but wasnt the ideal beat imo.. hook needs changed.. your voice is a little unusual for audio, and mic presences wasnt the greatest, you need to up your emotion as it was sounding a little bland at times, all things that will come with work

overall - good job.. and take on board the advice..

thanks fo the feed mark greatly preciated

well for ur first song...its aight...ur very mono tone..lol ur voice is deep as hell..i wonder how itd sound wit a pitch drop..haha..u need alot more emotion..and it sounds like ur reading it all...ur flow is choppy as hell....ur lyrics r straight....without u posting em up tho..i prolly couldnt understand most of it...the quality and mixing needs to be worked on also...ur voice is way too loud compared to the beat..haha...u gotta work on all those things i posted....otherwise its aiiiigghhhtt...lol..not tryin to be a dick...just tryin to point out wat needs work

nah constructive critisism make a person better thanks fo tha feed