Hip Hop Forum

Somethin' me and another dude workin' on for another site. Feedback is welcome



Teachings are beliefs written through someone else's eyes/
But who are tha ones to teach when written through countless lies/
This mounts to times, when we are tha ones commitin' conscious crimes/
Rippin' through heartfelt whines, all caught up in monstrous times/
Monumental cries, left behind to interpretation of divine redesign/
Steadily decline tha shrine from motives that prove to be malign/
Spineless swine, redefined and decidedly tried to walk tha line/
Combined with fruitless vines turnin' there own blood into wine/
Love into dyin'… frozen in time, lost like Aztecs and Mayan Tribes/
A Scion scribes, still bewilder by tha way of tha lost Zion guides/
Lions cry, along with all tha stars aligned in tha middle of Orions Sky/
Tryin' to show us something' but all we keep sayin' is I am Blind/
Still I find….losin' focus in my mind and my souls stays confined/
Theories unwind, strings intertwined entrapment for all mankind/
Who are we lyin'…hold our own destinies in tha palm of our hands/
Strong and we stand, but so delicate it can blow away like salt and tha sand/
Garnered it together in tha scriptures of tha book of psalms and its plan/
Went all through my heart and listen to that song that it sang/
Told me to stand and be a man, focus on demands of people in many lands/
Be conscious of tha world ways and believe in what you can/

yo dis shit was dope wordplay was sick, like how u used different words on it, multies were nice as well keep droppin dawg finna give dis a 8/10

Thanks man appericate tha feed.

Lucky D wrote:Somethin' me and another dude workin' on for another site. Feedback is welcome



Teachings are beliefs written through someone else's eyes/
But who are tha ones to teach when written through countless lies/
This mounts to times, when we are tha ones commitin' conscious crimes/
Rippin' through heartfelt whines, all caught up in monstrous times/
Monumental cries, left behind to interpretation of divine redesign/
Steadily decline tha shrine from motives that prove to be malign/
Spineless swine, redefined and decidedly tried to walk tha line/
Combined with fruitless vines turnin' there own blood into wine/
Love into dyin'… frozen in time, lost like Aztecs and Mayan Tribes/
A Scion scribes, still bewilder by tha way of tha lost Zion guides/
Lions cry, along with all tha stars aligned in tha middle of Orions Sky/
Tryin' to show us something' but all we keep sayin' is I am Blind/
Still I find….losin' focus in my mind and my souls stays confined/
Theories unwind, strings intertwined entrapment for all mankind/
Who are we lyin'…hold our own destinies in tha palm of our hands/
Strong and we stand, but so delicate it can blow away like salt and tha sand/
Garnered it together in tha scriptures of tha book of psalms and its plan/
Went all through my heart and listen to that song that it sang/
Told me to stand and be a man, focus on demands of people in many lands/
Be conscious of tha world ways and believe in what you can/

Its an ill start man. You're like a less polished version of B-Bear from Illest, which is a compliment.

"Love into dyin'… frozen in time, lost like Aztecs and Mayan Tribes/"

I love concepts that are TRUE, sometimes exaggeration leaves a lot to be desired.

I'm going to slightly disagree with my colleague above and ask you to put more emphasis on wordplay.

When you finally have the ability to rhyme for an extensive amount of bars,( You will always be working on your rhyme scheme), it is very important to learn to play with your words a bit more.

"Strong and we stand, but so delicate it can blow away like salt and tha sand/
Garnered it together in tha scriptures of tha book of psalms and its plan/"

Somewhere in there would have been a great place to throw some in. Add a little bit of logistic complexity to a metaphorically filled piece. Think of metaphors as a way to visualize your images and word play, puns, and similes as the color that makes them bright and exciting.

I'm impressed with this drop, I still see a lot elevation in your future if you stick at it.