Hip Hop Forum

Just wanted your opinion on something... listen to the track and tell me the first thing that comes to your mind.. no matter what it is..

beat is sad. and you ran out of breath once or twice (fix that). flow is choppy at the start and a few places. You might have to re-write to fix your structure so you wont have to run out of breath or mess up your flow.

Aiit, man... appreciate your opinion... but that time when it seemed like a ran outta breath, that lil pause was intentional - thought it fitted well inn there (also twitched my voice to increase the emotion, tho i agree that it sounds like i'm runnin outta breath)

where do u think the flow was choppy? i'll post the lyrics, so u can point out the parts..

Lyrics:


I'll always be that one rippin em beats and flows
but never be that dude who sleeps with hoes
need u to trust me as a modest dude
I might act foolish, but I'ma honest fool
I would never do anything to harm u
u light me up when u bring your charm through
cause when u smile it's like ur cheering me up
and when ur talking, I'll be hearing u up
when I see you walking and wearin those pants
u got me mesmorized, I can't control my hands
cause baby, I'm seekin your trust
when I give u my hands, I'm reachin for us
your mom would be proud if she'd seen us
there's just nothing to come in between us
let me take your hands, look u in the eyes
tell u I love u and I kiss u till' sunrise

you started the first line early, didnt sound nice. Maybe you shouldnt say I Will, and just say I'll.


you said 'but never be that' too fast on the second line


10 line, 'hands cause baby' sound like you lost breath.

14th line you said 'let me take your' too fast

15th line you said 'to come' too fast.


You should leave little marks in your lyrics to tell you when you should breath. As long as you expect when you are going to breath then it wont mess with your flow. And you wont be forced to speed up or slow down things at random places. Listener doesnt enjoy sudden speedups or slowdowns.

And when you take a breath try to move your mouth away from the mic as much as you can without disturbing your rap.

I know the tricks.. thanks anyhow, but i never bring any papers when goin to the studio, got all the lyrics memorized.. recorded like 6 songs in 5 hours.. lol..

The only places I agree with u is the lines "let me take your hands" and " to come" that's the only parts that sounded a lil rushed to me.. the first line was intentional, cause did the initial recording using I'll - but it sounded like "dadadam" - like too many words and way to fast for a track like this.. if it didn't work and sounded weird, then I guess I made a mistake.. but thanks for takin time !

it's appreciated !!

yo dis was aight homie u need 2 show more emotion on da track tho feel me beat was sick as fuck shit was nice keep droppin da more u drop da more you'll upgrade on ur shit stay up homie

Thanks.. appreciated.. got a few tracks comin up that'll hopefully blow ya mind away...

It's a very emotional beat first off. Sumthin that you'd write sumthin real tragic too. So honestly the concept doesn't fit the instrumental very well.

So with that being said, the lyrics are nicely written...but try to find a more romantic beat to put them on. (even if you have to change up the words a little in order to fit and ride the beat properly)

If you know how to mix good, then you don't need to listen to Subsist and move your mouth away from the mic to breath! (cuz then you'll look like that dumb dude who did Chocolate Rain haha) ....nahhhh, if you're a good mixer, you'll know how to take those breaths out in the editing stages.

Flow was alright. Fell off slightly on the very last bar. You can tell it was forced. Might wanna take a word or two out at the end and make it fit right, that way it's smoothly recited into the hook.

I know it's a snippet, but it's hard to leave great detail on something so short. As of now I'd give it a 5/10 I think you can do this better if you did it a few more times.

Aiit, thanks man.. I have done better.. got two tracks comin up that's better.. go and check out my freestyle as well.. i think that one's better as well.. this was basically just to get a glimpse of your thoughts.. i asked for the first thing that got into your mind when listening to it.. but got a whole lot more.. but yeah, go and check out my other track.. think u'll like it