Re: <COLLECTIVELY ILL> Haunted Streets
Posted: Sat Nov 20, 2010 8:15 am
illaborate - i get the cold open but i think your part would've been a good bit more effective if you lead with some imagery & description of setting a bit, maybe its just the way i'm reading it or it was your intention but the flow seems real choppy, & theirs some parts where a multi would've been more effective to string the structure together rhythmically especially with the uneven bars, contents straightforward and effective but layed out a lil too plain for my taste
orfadox - bars are way too long alotta unnecessary words seemingly added to even out bar length you could easily cut the fat and condense them down to be more succinct and effective, the pauses with the commas can work if you do them in a rhythmic fashion and have them around the same parts in bars but as is the rhythms hurt from the long bars and sorta randomly scattered pauses, content progresses well & its a solid verse but it'd be alot better if it was trimmed down some and restructured a bit
merv - could be structured a bit more rhythmically & with better imagery, a few multis don't rhyme quite perfect but they're not off enough to be considered forced, overall no real major flaws just minor shit that could use tweaking solid verse delivered the story you aimed to tell pretty effectively
kau - a bit of a cryptic/dead pan approach which works well in the context of demonic possession, flow isn't bad per say but i think some inners or a bit of alliteration or iambic pentameter in the middle of the bars would make it roll off the tounge a bit better, i like the content and approach but your verse is really hindered by the rhymes, bars 4-5 don't rhyme right the ending syllable on tremble and remember are too different to make it work same with regret-your & shirking-long(if you intended those two to rhyme), bars 2 & 6 the syllables in the multis don't match up theirs one extra in the 2nd line of each, i like where you were going with this but to me so many rhymes being off kinda tainted it
intrinsic - probably my favorite verse of the collab very vivid & descriptive with a nice use of vocabulary thoughout, i appriciate the unorthadox unique rhyme scheme but your bars are a bit long & their are parts where it rolls of the tounge nicely and other parts where it falls flat imo the structure in line 6 is perfect but in the other parts where you switch schemes they don't transfer smoothly & some of your rhyme or sound alliteration strings end abruptly like in line 3 with "class" making it plural(classes) makes it flow alot smoother, overall i liked the verse it had good content and some nice rhymes but the rhythm pattern seemed to switch every bar without a solid rhythm linking the bars together, i think using more multis @ the end of bars to resolve the inner pattern, and having a decent amount of pattern overlap(rhyming @ about the same place) from bar to bar with the 1 syllable alliterations would remedy this
overall pretty creative collab guys ya'll managed to stay on topic/in character well & tell a story from 5 different points of view in a real limited amount of words which can be difficult, each of your approaches to storytelling was different which made things more interesting to read through, cadences verse stood out the most to me but everybody held their own nobody really had a bad verse
orfadox - bars are way too long alotta unnecessary words seemingly added to even out bar length you could easily cut the fat and condense them down to be more succinct and effective, the pauses with the commas can work if you do them in a rhythmic fashion and have them around the same parts in bars but as is the rhythms hurt from the long bars and sorta randomly scattered pauses, content progresses well & its a solid verse but it'd be alot better if it was trimmed down some and restructured a bit
merv - could be structured a bit more rhythmically & with better imagery, a few multis don't rhyme quite perfect but they're not off enough to be considered forced, overall no real major flaws just minor shit that could use tweaking solid verse delivered the story you aimed to tell pretty effectively
kau - a bit of a cryptic/dead pan approach which works well in the context of demonic possession, flow isn't bad per say but i think some inners or a bit of alliteration or iambic pentameter in the middle of the bars would make it roll off the tounge a bit better, i like the content and approach but your verse is really hindered by the rhymes, bars 4-5 don't rhyme right the ending syllable on tremble and remember are too different to make it work same with regret-your & shirking-long(if you intended those two to rhyme), bars 2 & 6 the syllables in the multis don't match up theirs one extra in the 2nd line of each, i like where you were going with this but to me so many rhymes being off kinda tainted it
intrinsic - probably my favorite verse of the collab very vivid & descriptive with a nice use of vocabulary thoughout, i appriciate the unorthadox unique rhyme scheme but your bars are a bit long & their are parts where it rolls of the tounge nicely and other parts where it falls flat imo the structure in line 6 is perfect but in the other parts where you switch schemes they don't transfer smoothly & some of your rhyme or sound alliteration strings end abruptly like in line 3 with "class" making it plural(classes) makes it flow alot smoother, overall i liked the verse it had good content and some nice rhymes but the rhythm pattern seemed to switch every bar without a solid rhythm linking the bars together, i think using more multis @ the end of bars to resolve the inner pattern, and having a decent amount of pattern overlap(rhyming @ about the same place) from bar to bar with the 1 syllable alliterations would remedy this
overall pretty creative collab guys ya'll managed to stay on topic/in character well & tell a story from 5 different points of view in a real limited amount of words which can be difficult, each of your approaches to storytelling was different which made things more interesting to read through, cadences verse stood out the most to me but everybody held their own nobody really had a bad verse
