She Said

[Brah-Vo]

yo this my recent piece. i know my flow is kinda hard to read and i don't know any real way to explain it. lol. but if ya'll could gimme tips on this piece.
like instead of jus givin me advice like fix it up and tell me how to improve ya know?
Yeh the chorus from Sunshine by Lupe Fiasco is being used just for the sake of example. Thanks in advance ya'll.

[Verse 1]
Hey yo
i never met a girl like her uh
man she got ya boy up in a stir uh
see i met her at the club
you know
that i was desperate for some love so
i walked straight up to her
acted all cool just for her
got to her in a minute
my stare lowered
i couldnt bring myself to stare forward
"its kinda crowded in here," thats, what she whispered in my ear
we went outside, her true beauty came alive
we talked for awhile
yeh i think she digged my style
swooped her up in my ride
my '86 corolla i think it stole her
(pause), heart
she guided me back to her place
kept takin my eyes off the road and redirected 'em back to her face
she made me stop the car
told me to go outside, look at the stars
held my arms, leant on my shoulder
heard a voice say "yeah go on, hold her"
sat on the grass lookin up at heaven
just like Jesus when he said "Lord,God, Forgive 'em"
drug deals, car chases we could hear em
but it didnt matter coz this girl, by my side,
fell asleep picked her up took her back to my ride and she said


[Chorus]
you're my sunshine (you're my sunshine)
you're my moonlight (you're my moonlight)
your the starry skies above me won't you please come down and hold me
think i found love in this club tonight


Yo i told her
you must be tired, coz you been running through my mind all day
in my dream last night your face was shinin brighter then the sunshine rays
i hope we stay together forever
cant you tell in my voice then im truly for realla
love
is when you can't go to sleep
coz your reality is finally better then a dream
hmmm, it truly seems
that, your the one for me
damn.
id do anything for ya
id even stop the orbit of the earth around the sun
take a bullet from a gun
do a 10 mile run
launch a rocket 5,4,3,2,1
yeh.
im just speakin my mind
girl you too fast, dont leave me behind.


[Chorus x3]



So there it is, yeh i know my flow is hard to read.lol.

[Ambiguous Realm]

well the intro should be somethin that stands out n grabs the people's attention.. i think u had said somethin about fighting against mainstream ..maybe i'm wrong.. but it seems as if ur lyrics r mainstream especially the way u flow.. i can picture a club beat or somethin similar,

i'm not gonna bother rewriting or somethin to make it better but wat u can do is avoid the simple words.. or if u rather use them.. try rhymin multiples of them

get creative and throw some punchlines, this seems more like somethin for ppl to dance to .. same goes with ur other drop... watever ur style is tho stick to that.. just improve ur rhyme scheme and word choice

ur flow is alright tho since this is meant for audio i can read it with no prob

the topic is fine too.. just not somethin i'd ever write to lol

[Brah-Vo]

by mainstream i mean what mainstream rap is about.
you know. the same thing. hoes, guns, getting shot, a new dance.
not saying any of thats bad, hell i find myself listenin to soulja boy every now and then.
im just tryna make a fresh approach to hip hop.

im tryna be different. like the stuff i rap about will be different.i've got a piece about school exams that ive still gotta finish off.lol. you know what i mean?

but thanks for your input bro. your a big help.

btw what do you mean simple words?

[Ambiguous Realm]

simple words such as all of the words ur really rhyming

its one thing using simplew rods and another thing using it but combining it with other simple words to add flow

"im just speakin my mind
girl you too fast, dont leave me behind"

that's probably got the best flow to it.. reason being is that.. speak and leave can be used to rhyme..

so the rhyme scheme's syllables r matching up..

speakin my mind
leave me behind

that itself flows nicely/

rather then if u had said speakin my mind, girl u too fast, u left me behind.. that would have killed the flow to it a bit

its a bit complicated to explain.. but multies is somethin every lyricist should learn and control to improve themselves lyrically and improve their flow

[-TraMaTiK-]

i cudnt of said it better^..good example but yea as ekoms said this defo a cool piece,not my style but hey u doin ur thing so i cant hate..and yea try 2 avoid usin simplistic words like for example if u gonna say 'her eyes cut thru me' or sum shit be like 'her lust filled eyes.' etc..u kno?more descriptive and concentrate on using multis as ekoms said as well

[кℓαѕѕιιcк]

Thats My Boi
Man Hiz Back
hehe Nice Shit man

and btw
i'll get ur recordin shit tomoz
u aint on Messenger so ii thought ill inoform ya here
Laterz

oh yeh and thiz might not be tha right time
but E-koms man
thx fer ya advice
Really appriciated it ...

[Ambiguous Realm]

lol alright no prob

[MesaR]

uhm. how old are you? you look my age.
You have a good approach to hip hop but.

as you said you dont wont to be mainstream, the topic you picked about girls and clubs. and looking for love. is
very mainstream init, i am basically saying what ekoms has already said but increase your vocab and it make
more intresting for the reader.


a trick i used to help me do multis ( rhyming more then word ) is to find a song that is the same style as yours..
pick out a line you like.. use the last three words at the end of a sentance and rhyme off that.

[-TraMaTiK-]

never thought of that^good shit

[MesaR]

word, your better to learn from the pro's