Prophet's first drop!

[Prophet]

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/quick ... t6057.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/state ... t6139.html

Aight well I've been rapping for 2 months and all I've been doing is battling. So this is actually my first time writing a verse that doesn't have to do with battling. This is about my uncle who recently passed away. Remember its my first drop so its pretty short. Feedback would be appreciated.


Have you ever disobeyed someone in your family that was close to you?
Have you ever done some bullshit you knew you weren't supposed to do
I did, I regretted every stupid shit I did when I saw my uncle in that coffin with close eyelids
I remember crying at night, screaming why him! I asked Jesus why he died cuz of Gang violence
I thought it was cool that my uncle sold crack, but now I think differently when I go back
And think about the good times we had, and I think about the day he died, he was going to the store and he said I'll be back
But sadly and unfortunately he never came back, and after I heard that he died, I said I'll never be the same jack
I thought about the bitches who killed my uncle, and I thought why did he have to die, why not them or me?
I was pissed off, that I no longer had an uncle, all I had were our memories
After my uncle passed, I'll never get caught up in gangs, I learned my lesson B
And if I had the chance to talk to him all I would say is Rest in Piece

[B-Bear]

I can see some nice emotion and the way u worded it gave give sorta of a feeling of u talkin from your gut.. that's good.. but u got some work to do with your structure and rhyming.. especially the rhyming was way too basic (except for the first bar).. flow often come naturally if u establish a good structure.. u also has a inconsistent rhyming scheme, but isn't really that important.. but it may improve your flow if u stich to a certain scheme.. personally i don't like that.. but try to do it anyhow.. and a lil work may have to be done with your vocab as well.. if u're to drop more political pieces for example u need to extend your vocab.. and don't do the same mistake as many others and just rhyme about how misrable your life is and how u wanna die or how mad u are.. go and read the posts in the elevation section.. u'll learn a lot from that.. think about stuff before u put in a rhyme.. that's the best advices i can give u i guess.. and yeah, be patient..

[Prophet]

Thanx for the feed guys. And B-bear, I agree that my rhymes were basic, I guess I was more concentrated in expressing how I felt, than writing some complicated rhymes. But anyways, thanks for the feed B-bear and TGYH, uppin for more feed.

[lilblayze]

u said it was ur first drop it was dope was to short but u can always add on but other den dat it was good. great emotion too bro u can win fans ova wit emotion

[Prophet]

Thanx for the feedback bro, I know it was short, and athe rhymes were basic but it was something I wrote in a couple of minutes.

[lilblayze]

yeah i kno how it is dats wat i do too den go back and add on