Handbasket - A play.

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Glamtrash
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Handbasket - A play.

Post by Glamtrash »

**Characters**
Satan: The unholy one. Can be male or female. Funnier as female. Still bitter about the whole getting kicked out of Heaven thing.
Christopher: Servant of Hell. Follows Satan around. Male. British. Meek in general. Seems to stick out.
Gregory: Recently dead sinner. Male. Only now has he realized that he's in Hell, and dead. More so, he isn't the brightest. Soul mate of Beth. Insurance salesman.
Beth: Recently dead sinner. Female. Only now has entered Hell. Poet. Soul mate of Gregory. A little more outspoken.
Old Man: Mysterious old person. Can be female or male. Seems to have been in Hell for quite some time, and is desperate need for beauty in his/her life.
Perfect Guy: Male. Gay. Perfect man, therefore, he's gay. Mistaken for strait, Created by Satan. Likes Gregory.

**********************************************************************************************************
(Hell. Enter Gregory, falling onto stage. He gets up, and looks around.)

Gregory: Wait a second...This doesn't look like the hospital. I wonder if i'm dreaming. Yeah, that's gotta be it. I'm dreaming. I was hit by that firetruck, and now I'm dreaming of being in an inferno. (Pause. Gregory makes movement to signal he is hot) Man, this certainly is one hell of a dream. Warm too. I wish they wouldn't keep these hospitals so damn hot. Well, as long as I'm here, I may as well go with it.. HELLO! Is anyone here?

(Enter Christopher)

Christopher: Yes. May I help you? Is there anything that's satisfactory?

Gregory: (Aside) Man, when the hell did I start dreaming about men? Oh well, this fool may just be an illusion. I'll just make some demands, and they will be met. I mean, it is my dream after all.(Addressing Christopher) Yes my good man, I would like a fresh donut, a prostitute, and the heat turned down. And not in that order.

Christopher: Uh, sir...How long have you been here?

Gregory: Why....For a few minutes...Now go get me what I deserve.

Christopher: Oh my...You don;t realize it, you poor thing. Why is it that I always have to break it to them?

Gregory: Break what? Wait a minute...This isn't the real deal, is it?

Christopher: I'm afraid it is sir. This, is the everylasting bonfire. Welcome to the primrose way. You are now dead, and burning forever in hell.

Gregory: WHAT?! No...I wasn't a bad guy. Name one thing I did wrong....One thing!

Christopher: Well, you did have the gambling problem...

Gregory: What man doesn't gamble? That can't be so bad...Why couldn't I go to purgatory or something?

Chrisopher: Well sir, I'm afraid a few...ahem...instances involving your professional help would be the cause.

Gregory: Is it a sin to have sex in ones workplace?

Chrispoher: It is when both of you are married, (pause) and not to one another.

Gregory: Well then, I guess you know your stuff my good man. You sure this isn't-

Christopher: Yes sir, this isn't a dream.

Gregory: Really?

Christopher: Really.

Gregory: Well then (Gregory stands there, thinking) OH SHIT!

Chrostpoher: What now sir?

Gregory: I left my oven on. Now, I know that you can't go, but if I could just pop into heaven and ask to have it shut off,,,,I'm sure that the angels would be more than happy to help.

Christopher: Maybe you don't understand the severity of your situation. This is Hell. Heck, L'enfer. Tarterus. THE INFERNO. Go strait to hell, do not pas go, do not collect 200 dollars,

Gregory: What if I bribed you...

Satan: (Off stage) ENOUGH!

(Enter Satan, quite pissed off)

Christopher: Well, now you've done it. Here's an idea: Don't bring up the whole oven idea to her, she knows you're lying. She invented it.

Satan: That's enough Christpoher. I will no longer be needing your services until three o clock.

Christopher: I'm sorry miss, but it's been moved to two o clock so you can play poker with Tupac.

Saran: Tupac's dead?

Christopher: Even we don;t know that miss. But I shall remind you later on,

Satan: Very well. (Exeunt Christopher) Now, what is this I hear of a dream?

Gregory: Hey now, I was just opening my mind to all the possibilities.

Satan: Well then, I think I might be able to help. All I need is a rusty scalpel and some embars, and we can open that mind of yours up in a snap!

(Gregory cringes)

Gregory: Hell you said? Well, I believe you. No other possibility. Sorry for-

Satan: Stop it you worthless twit. You are to stay here forever, and I really don't want to hear your constant ass kissing. Next time, you lose the tounge. Got it? (Gregory nods) Good. As for your punishment, I shall attain to it at a later point. But no more dreaming, I'm serious. This place is nothing less than a nightmare, and I shall be keeping my eye on you.

(Exeunt Satan)

Gregory: Well, seems as though I've met my maker, Well, not my maker, but ir seems that i share more in common with her than any other. I can't believe I ended up in Hell. I tried fucking hard to be good, I really did.

(Enter Christopher)

Christopher: No you didn't. You almost ran the full Gambit.

Gregory: I was a saint!

Christopher: There's lying, bearing false witnesses and such.

Gregory: C'mon...No one's perfect. I mean, I was never one to Gamble. (Look from Christopher) Well, so I gambled a bit...(Look from Cristopher) Okay, so I gambled away my first wife;s family jewels...BuI I had a full house!

Christopher: There;s games of chance, along with stealing. Anything else, oh pious one?

Gregory: I made great art! I was a poet in my olden days. My work inspired people!

Christopher: Greg, you were a sinner. Even sinners produce great works of art. In the end, you were just another lying, cheating, gambling syster who married five times looking for the perfect breasts.

Gregory: Well I never cheated on the third one.

(An alarm goes off)

Christopher: Okay, you're going to have to come with me now, it's time for your hourly lust freezing.

Gregory: I'm guessing there's no way to find solace here, is there?

Christopher: No. Nothing beautiful survives down here except for Satan herself.

(Exit Gregory and Christopher. A falling noise, thud, then enter Beth)

Beth: Well, seems Danté was right, (rubs shoulder) and Newton. Falling twelve stories gives you a massive pain in the neck, Well...If an artist needs chaos to write, then I think I've come to the right place. However, the whole burning thing may not help my think pattern. Let's see,,(Poeticly) As if by heaven's falling did i venture forth, as the world chook me from it's heights, I became....I became...A splat on the sidewalk? No, that can' be it. I became...I became dead? Nah, too obvious. I became....Yet another twenty-something wannabe writer. Ah well, bet I made a beautiful coarpse at least. (Footsteps) Shit somone's coming! (hides behind a rock)

(Enter Cristopher and Gregory. Gregory is holding his back and limping)

Cristopher: See, that didn't hurt too much, now did it?

Gregory" Well, I guess not.

(Cristopher drops Gregory with one punch, stands up strait and fixes his suit)

Christopher: What about now Greg? Does it hurt now?

Gregory: Yes, now I'm thuroughly hurt...Please help me.

Christopher: Have you not learned yet? There's no helping in Hell. I'm just gonna leave you there for awhile. Mind the lava.

(Gregory panics, jumps up, looks down and realizes he had just been pwned, He clutches his back in pain. Christopher just laughs and leaves)

Gregory: Well, that was quite the - (Beth emerges from her rock, startles Gregory) Uhh...Hi. My name's....My name's....Uhhh...

Beth: Greg?

Gregory: Oh hi Greg...That's a pretty name.

Beth: No, isn't that your name?

Gregory: Oh you're so right, that IS my name. Sooo....Come here often?

Beth: Oh, y'know, not really. Just when I feel the urge to have large pieces of fruit shoved up my ass. You? (Greg feels defeated and lowers his head. Beth lifts his head and smiles at him) Just kidding silly. It seems that I just showed up. I was going to spend eternity writing about the agony of it all, but i think all I've found is my wiriter's block.

Gregory: Soo...Wanna get to know one another or some-

Satan (interrupting offstage) NONE OF THAT!

(Enter Satan. As she enters, also enter an Old Man, who sits downstage left, watching the events)

Gregory: Satan! We were just, uhh..

Satan: I know exatcly what you were doing. Love! It's smell discusts me. It fills my nostrils and causes me to wretch! You two are in love.

Beth: We just met! It can't possibly be love. ..I mean, I barely know him, Really, you must be mistaken.

Satan: Mistaken? Mistaken?! I AM NEVER MISTAKEN! Now, I do not wish to have this smell enter my domain again. Cease this mating, or I shall give you nightmares you can't even imagine.

(Our two star crossed lovers exit, leaving right and left stage. Satan stands, crossed by what has just transpired, Cristopher enters)

Cristopher: Ma'am...You seem angered. Shall I have a sinner boiled in tea to soothe your mind?

Satan: Not now Christopher. We have something more...dire to tend to this moment....Those two are in love.

Christopher: Hmm..Love has naver seen this place miss, are you sure?

Satan: What do you mean am I sure? Of course I'm sure. We need something that will stop them, and in order to do so...We need a scheme. Follow me Christopher. Cancel all of my appointments.

Christopher: Yes ma'am.

(Exeun Christopher and Satan. Enter Gregory, whi is sad and falls to the ground)

Gregory: Love. Wow. You know, I always thought that I had fallen in love, right up until I saw her. Her eyes were...and her voice...and her...everything. I finally found the girl of my dreams, in a place full of nightmares.

Old Man: Somewhat poetic, isn't it?

(He stands, walking over to Greg and sitting. Greg then stands, somewhat discusted by the Old Man)

Gregory: Poetry...I have this sudden urge to write...But my luck, it's not allowed. I am forsaken!

Old Man: HA! He spends one day in hell, gets a little torture, falls in love, and now he thinks he's a poet! What a fool.

Gregory: Fool? I am not a fool! I'm just confused. Why the hell should I listen to you anyway? You're a sinner, just like me. I mean, that's why we're all here isn't it?

(Old Man smashes him with his staff. Greg grips his head)

Greg: OWW! Why'd you do that?

Old Man: Mind your elders boy. No wonder you ended up in Hell. You don't even know something as simple as that, let alone something as complicaled as true love.

Gregory: What? You think I'm lying?

Old Man: You say you're in love, and you seem to be pretty smitten. But what is it that you're doing about it? Just stilling around, moping, and trying to write it all down. Poets. Always complaining, whining, and never really figuring anything out or doing anything to help themselves.

Gregory: So what should I do? Go find her? Wait for all eternity? Satan will-

Old Man: (Interrupts) What? Torture you more? See, if this were true love you'd be willing to go through all the torture in the botomless pit to see her but for a few seconds.

Gregory: I wasn't going to say that. I was going to say Satan will torture HER more. And I don't want any pain to come to her.

(Old Man beams, and raps Greg on the head lightly with the staff)

Old Man: Glad to see that thing does work a little. Now, why are you standing around talking to an old coot? Go get her Greg!

Gregory: But what if she gets hurt more?

Old Man: She's hurting now Greg, she isn't with you.

(Gregory thinks for a second, and then runs out, leaving the Old Man. Old man wanders off to his corner, sits and watches. Enter Satan, whi know the Old Man down, and then laughs at him as he crawls off stage)

Satan: I need with me the perfect man. One dripping with lusts, a gentleman to win one's heart. I shall make him perfect in the female eye. Christopher!

(Enter Christopher, carrying magazine's with men on them, and Cosmos)

Christopher: Yes miss, but why not just torture the two souls until they no longer love one another?

(Satan holds her head in her hands. She then looks up, giving Christopher a glare that causes him to drop all the magazines)

Satan: Do you really think they'll care if their mutillated bodies are damaged any more by my methods? I could boil them for all eternity, I could cause their underwear to shrink five times its size, I could crush them and they would still dream of one another! No, this must be stopped using more...Humane mathods.

Christopher: And that is why we require this...Fabio?

Satan: Unfortunately, the bird i sent to retrieve him issed it's mark. But I shall make one myself. And Adonis to rival all others. THE PERFECT MAN!

(Puff of smoke. and then wallks out the perfect guy)

Saran: Ahhh yes, he is perfect...He can cook, bench press a bus, and he even puts the toilet seat down! All women will want him. He shall stride by Beth, causing her to swoon at his mighty pecs, and when foolish Gregory sees that his love is in the arms of my perfect man, he shall be struck with jealousy to the hight degree! (Evil laugh)

Perfect Guy: Uh...I have a problem with that.

Satan: What? Don't tell me that a virile, manly buck such as yourself can't woo one little measly soul.

Perfect Guy: Well, it's not that I can't do it....It's more like I don't want to.

Satan: What? Don't want to? Why would a guy not want to flirt with some girl?

Christopher: Miss, I believe that he isn;t interested in Beth

Satan: What do you mean not interested? She's fucking gorgeous! Listen, all you have to do is flirt with her, maybe even kiss her! I mean, it shouldn't be hard, you ARE the perfect guy!

Perfect guy: Kiss her?! Eww...That's horrible.

Satan: Wait a second...You mean that you're...

Perfect Guy: Not interested in Beth.

Christopher: Playing for the other team.

Perfect Guy: Into the guys more than the dolls.

Christopher: Homosexual.

Satan: Well, all the good ones are either taken or gay. And I thought we just told that to the women here to destroy their hope.

Christopher: Great fiction is based on reality ma'am.

Satan: That's aright. It'll still work. You will simply flirt with her...(Perfect guy cringes) That's enought! I am the lady of the underworld, and I say that you flirt with her, or you shall sustain my wrath!

(Christopher and Perfect Guy exchange looks, Perfect Guy shrugs and looks at Satan)

Perfect Guy: (In a downtrodden voice) Alright.

Satan: Now Christopher, clean up this mess whilst I find out fair maiden. (To PG) You, follow me. I don't think I should be leaving you alone in these parts.

(Cristopher cleans up the mess and then leaves, following the PG and Satan. Beth enters. She holds her heart, and stands at stage right.)

Beth: I lived a life of sorrow only to find, in deepest anguish, a heart much like my own. I stand now a new person, one that doesn't want to jump from high rooftops, nor one that wishes to out-depress Danté. I stand with a heart filled to the brim.

(Enter Satan and PG. PG looks at Beth, and then starts to walk off. Satan stops him and pushes him towards her, but PG stops. Enter Greg, and when PG sees him, he is smitten. PG pushes Satan off stage)

Gregory: My love!

Perfect Guy: Works for me honey!

(Enter Satan, head in hands)

Satan: No you nitwit! Flirt with HER! (Satan is picked up and thrown off stage my PG)

Gregory: What? That's enought. Beth, I shall fight for your honour and you love!

(Enter Christopher with rapiers. Everyone looks at him strangely)

Christopher: What? This IS hell people. We have weapons lying around everywhere.

Perfect Guy: But I don;t wanna fight him...He's so cute.

(Greg looks at PG and Christopher oddly, but then looks back at Beth, walks up to her and kisses her. Christopher gets mad)

Christopher: (Aside to PG) Look, all you need to do is fight him and win. Beth will be smitten with you afterward, as you are the more dominant male.

PG: But do I have to? Can't I just fight HER for HIM?

Christopher: NO! He's bloody strait!

PG: Oh he just hasn't found the right guy yet...And I AM the perfect one.

Christopher: (Infuriated) Just kill him you dolt or we'll make sure your days here are numbered!

PG: (Frightened but still sad) Alright. But I'm not going to like it.

Christopher: Now Greg, are you just trying to cop a feel?

(Gregory and Beth stop staring into one anothers eyes, and Greg stands forward, He is ready)

Gregory: I fight now for love, honour, and all the things i didn;t do in my life that I should have done. (Steps forward) I fight for my own dignity, along with my own salvation, as this woman means more to me than my very-

(Christopher and PG sneak up and stab him in the back, causing him to fall)

Beth: Greg! My love!

Christopher: But wouldn't you rather have HIM? (Points to PG, who is looking somewhat sad at Greg)

Beth: Look, he's easy on the eyes and all, but I think he's more likely to want to go shopping with me than date me. Besides, I loved Greg...And you killed him! You bastard!

(Beth stabs Christopher, who starts to flail, and then falls down. PG just walks off, his head held low. Goes back and grags off Christopher, who is gripping hig leg and convulsing)

Greg: Beth....This really, really hurts. More than when the truck hit me. That, and I'm still laying on the sword. ...Beth?

(Beth goes to him, holding him up)

Greg: I love you...Beth (Dies)

Beth: NO! I finally found love, true love. For once, I was happy. I no longer feared anything with you there. There is no use going on. (picks rapier out of Greg) Goodbye, cruel....(looks wround) Hell. (Stabs herself, and dies. Enter Old Man. Walking around the two lovers on the ground)

Old Man: This would normally be sad an horrible. The families would come together, weeping and crying as their two fallen offspring log off for the last time. But we're in Hell people! I mean, where are they gonne go? Maine?

(Beth and Greg shutter at the thought, and then a groan is heard)

Greg: That really hurt. I mean, really, REALLY hurt. Next time, we're fighting with trucks.(He gets up, helping Beth)

Beth: Yeah that did hurt. Must have been one hell of a fit of passion.

(Enter Satan and Christopher, who still has a rapier through him)

Christopher: At least you took the rapier out. This shit hurts a lot more than it looks!

Satan: Shut up, all of you! Now, you Old Man, You seem farmilliar...What is your business here? Why have you caused this discusting love to grow in my dank pit?

(Old Man drops his rags to show off white clothing. He smirks at Satan, who looks quite repulsed)

Old Man: Well, for the rest of you, name's God.

Satan: But why? You cast me out of Heaven to this place...Why bother me here, in my torment?

Old Man: Tupac. He dared me to do it....Double dared me actually.
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Glamtrash
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Post by Glamtrash »

Excuse any spelling mistakes etc, I will fix them, but i've not slept and don't feel like doing it atm.
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Post by Arvincible »

lmfao!!!!!!


Satan: But why? You cast me out of Heaven to this place...Why bother me here, in my torment?

Old Man: Tupac. He dared me to do it....Double dared me actually.

this was freakin hilarious it wasnt as good as the last one but bravo!
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Post by -TraMaTiK- »

ok i gotta point this out..Old Man: Mysterious old person. Can be female or male..um?lool 'old man' yet he can be both?..eww tranny lol newayz..keeps readin..

Satan: I know exatcly what you were doing. Love! It's smell discusts me. It fills my nostrils and causes me to wretch! You two are in love.

Beth: We just met! It can't possibly be love. ..I mean, I barely know him, Really, you must be mistaken.

Satan: Mistaken? Mistaken?! I AM NEVER MISTAKEN! Now, I do not wish to have this smell enter my domain again. Cease this mating, or I shall give you nightmares you can't even imagine.

LOL^i read it all and it wuz quite entertaining..lmao@this below

Satan: But why? You cast me out of Heaven to this place...Why bother me here, in my torment?

Old Man: Tupac. He dared me to do it....Double dared me actually.

real good read tho Shanda good job

*also i realized why u put the 'old man' cud be both cuz of what u revealed in the middle* lol
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Post by Momeijah »

k, it Was Pretty Funny.

Old Man: This would normally be sad an horrible. The families would come together, weeping and crying as their two fallen offspring log off for the last time. But we're in Hell people! I mean, where are they gonne go? Maine?

This Part^ Made Me Lol Because it Reminded Me Of a South Park Episode Lol.

ur Good at Slapstick Comedy And Building Surreal Characters. And Like i Said Before it's a Perfect Way To Approach a Play. Especially With a Serious Storyline (Stupid Romeo And Juliet Bullshit), That u Completely Spoofed Up. So Once Again Good Work, Now Let's Work On The Collab.
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AKA SCOTCH HALL, MOE MEIJER & MOMEIJAH.
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Post by Ambiguous Realm »

quite a fuckin read.. im really surprised to see someone this dedicated to entertainment.. damn.. lol.. most of my favorite parts were already listed so i won't bother with quoting, i didn't exactly read the other one u had done, i'll have to do so when i find the time .. and the eye drops for another long read.. good stuff keep em comin
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Post by complexity »

Ok. Botar,

Good job developing the characters. They had a lot of attributes and interesting backgrounds.

You incorporated religion and dogmas well.

How they came about being in hell was cleverly played.

Especially with the myths and ideas of what hell is.

Great ending as well.

Well worth the read.

From fire and brimstone, plex rose
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Post by Glamtrash »

lmao.

Thanks guys.
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Re: Handbasket - A play.

Post by Glamtrash »

Moved to a more suited area lol.

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