Jokes sick and raunchy, anything that's funny

[32neilz]

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fucking start?"

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[32neilz]

Science flies you to the moon.
Religion flies you into buildings.

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[32neilz]

Christmas is shit.
Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.

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[32neilz]

My new Muslim Girlfriend keeps talking about a blow-job.
I don’t know whether to get my cock out or to warn London transport..........

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[32neilz]

I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night...

I wanted my first time to be special.

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[Defiance]

so a man and his friends go out huting
they go out the first day and get skunked they dont get shit

And after hiking all day their all pretty exhausted when they get back to camp

the man feels a shit coming on, and tells his friends he's going to the head

so he finds a fell log, props him self on it, and promptly falls asleep

so his friends go off hunting the next day and bag a deer, and on the way back they find him pass out on the log with his pants down

so thinking it would be funny to play a joke on him, they place all the deer innards under the man

well,,,, later that day the man comes back with a bloody stick in his hand

and the other men ask him whats going on with the stick

and he says to the

"WELL APPARENTLY I CRAPPED ALL MY GUTS OUT LAST NIGHT.......
BUT WITH THIS STICK AND THE GRACE OF GOD I WAS ABLE TO SHOVE UM BACK IN THERE AGAIN"


LOL

[32neilz]

This pregnant girl I know has made a separate Facebook account just for her unborn child.
It's beginning to annoy me so much that I've decided to set up an account as a coat hanger, add the unborn child and poke them.

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[32neilz]

I heard that Justin Bieber has a 10 inch cock.
It's in his ass and belongs to Usher.

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[32neilz]

The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as your cock when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass....."

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[32neilz]

Why can't Maddie McCann play Xbox?Because I've got a PS3.

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[Orfadox]

2 Rottweilers Are Sat In A Vets Waiting Room When The First Rotty Asks What The Other Is In For,2nd Rotty Looks At Him And Replys "Well I Was Out About The House Doing My Patrols When A Man Broke In And Started To Attack My Master With A Knife,I Ran In Jumped Up A Ripped The Fuckers Throat Out,So Im Here To Be Put Down" "Wow Your A Hero" Replys The First Rotty "You Shouldnt Be Put Down" "How Bout You" Asks The 2nd "Well I Was Patrolling My House When I Came To The Bathroom,My Masters Wife Was Bending Over When The Towel Slipped,So I Jumped Up And Gave Her A Right Good Seeing Too" "WHAT!! And There Putting You Down For That??!" Asks The 2nd Rottweiler "Oh No......Im Here To Have My Claws Cut"

[Orfadox]

Found My Dyslexic Friend Covering His Cock In Boot Polish The Other Day...I Said To Him "Stupid Fuck Your Supposed To Turn Ya CLOCK BACK!!"

[32neilz]

I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine!!!
Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

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[32neilz]

I'm not saying I've got a big cock but when I get a hard-on I haven't got enough skin left to close my eyes

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[Leeroy Jenkins]

A man walks into the street and hails a taxi that is just passing by.
“Perfect timing,” he tells the driver. “You’re just like Frank.”
“Who?” asks the cabbie.
“Frank Fielding. He’s a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could have played golf with the pros. He sang like an opera tenor and you should have seen him dance.”
“Sounds like quite a guy,” says the driver.
“That’s not the half of it. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everyone’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which dishes to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out.”
“Wow, what a man.”
“He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes polished. He was the perfect man. No one could ever measure up to Frank.”
“Amazing. How did you meet him?”
“Oh, I never met Frank.”
“So how do you know so much about him?”
“I married his lousy widow.”