Welcome to Illest Lyrics forum established in 2005.
----
Free Vapes

Once upon..

Drop your written rhymes in one of the largest collections of original rhymes on the internet. The feedback in our Written Rhymes section will simply amaze you.

Moderators: Loon E Lou, Enlightend

Post Reply
User avatar
talent401
Rookie
Offline
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2010 9:49 am

Once upon..

Post by talent401 »

as night falls da pen talks,
paper meets ink and dey take walks,
Grabbin hands dey take off,
thinkin of dere future dere arms cross,
they been thru ups and downs but still remain together,
In acupple dates..A date becomes a letter,
We should move on said da pen i think it would b betta,
im catchin moodswings and u changin like da weather,
so im gone but leavin tracks as i march,
Givin it my all like i did to u from da start,
da pen begins to cough,bleedin ink from its esaphogus,
keeps his journey till da end... like he promises,
On his way letters bcame words as he met paper and did da obvious,
Sentences occured and doesnt kno who the author is,
almost dere His sickness worsens as
The end he tries to find,
But hes fightin wat he cant stop as da time,
Keeps tickin da sun begins to rise,
It becomes dellusional and its words become to ryhme,
Reaches its destination da pen begins to cry,
lyes down and saids "its a wRAP"...and dies...

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image
User avatar
pablo1212
Novice
Offline
Posts: 61
Joined: Mon Sep 20, 2010 11:55 am

Re: Once upon..

Post by pablo1212 »

KILLED IT ! .. thats all I gotta say ... tooo creativeeeeeee.... def. keep writing!
User avatar
talent401
Rookie
Offline
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2010 9:49 am

Re: Once upon..

Post by talent401 »

Thanks for da feedbakk my dude...stay up!!...-Talent...

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image
User avatar
DoggyStylez
Potential Emcee
Offline
Posts: 37
Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2010 7:22 am

Re: Once upon..

Post by DoggyStylez »

mad flow loco.....the end kills it lol.....talent livin up to his name, murderin pens is his game.......jejejeeee

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image
User avatar
IntrinsicCadence
Hong Kong Phooey
Offline
Posts: 652
Joined: Tue Aug 24, 2010 1:39 am
Wins: 3
Losses: 3
Location: China

Re: Once upon..

Post by IntrinsicCadence »

Damn, real creative piece here. The flow is nice, could benefit from some more complex rhyme schemes, but the concept and story element of it is killer and makes me like this drop a lot. I'd even go so far as to say like 9.5/10. A bit more vocab build up and maybe a couple multis/internal rhymes would put this up to a 10/10 in my eyes easily. Keep droppin writtens...
Image
Image
User avatar
talent401
Rookie
Offline
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2010 9:49 am

Re: Once upon..

Post by talent401 »

Dats wats up man..thanks for da feedbakk...ill deff keep da writtens cummin...im glad to hear ya like it...good looks and stay up!..

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image
User avatar
TheNobleOne
Elite Freestyler
Offline
Posts: 340
Joined: Mon Sep 06, 2010 12:12 pm
Wins: 3

Re: Once upon..

Post by TheNobleOne »

this shit was alright man. had a good flow to it. but really i dont know why i keep repeating myself. its cool to misspell shit simple because you dont know how to spell a word. but to purposefully go out of your way to spell they like "dey" and this like "dis" and the like "da" is just fuckin stupid. it seriously takes away from reading the piece.
User avatar
talent401
Rookie
Offline
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2010 9:49 am

Re: Once upon..

Post by talent401 »

Yeaa i kno in my recent drop i stopped writin that way...it does take away from the verse...thanks for the feedbakk....i dont see the forced flow but aight...thanks.

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image
Post Reply

Return to “Written Rhymes”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests