token jesture vs ghost rider( Token Jesture wins by DQ)

[token jesture]

match the lines of hu drops first
8-12 lines

-- Sat Nov 07, 2009 2:58 am --

this kids jus shook like i shit on his grave*
coz ill take the 'face off' this nicolas cage**
triggering fictional flames, negating your stuff
blud u aint a beast, ur not creative enuff***
ur remains r jus chucked, im spreading your ashes
coz thats the only way ur essence is affecting the masses
your death is in passage, like meth to the crack eds
this cat experiments with losing and is perfecting the habit
ill end this in fashion, yours bars are lame today
mine are off the hook like fucking tailor made


*english proverb of a shiver is someone stepped on your grave
**film ghost rider and face off nicolas cage
***read his intro

-- Sat Nov 07, 2009 2:27 pm --

waiting for u mate

[Riggz]

think you got a nosho so I'll save the critiques Toke.

[token jesture]

think ur right, can get some crit on this verse please guys, im a noob to battling n wana know if this is good bad etc hard hitting

[-MenaCe-]

Ghost Rider Has 24hrs From now to drop a verse or he will lose by DQ..

[token jesture]

get this thread closed please, i dint wanna win by a dq but o well
can i have sum feedback on the verse guys

[Riggz]

--ok, first thing, kill the foot notes... if they don't get, they can google it --

this kids jus shook like i shit on his grave*
coz ill take the 'face off' this nicolas cage**
-The nick cage line was used around 2000 and overused in 2001, not sure if rehashin it in 2009 is considered played... but at least it fit the rhyme scheme -

triggering fictional flames, negating your stuff
blud u aint a beast, ur not creative enuff***
- flowed well, again kill the foot notes, this was clever enough to stand on it's on -

ur remains r jus chucked, im spreading your ashes
coz thats the only way ur essence is affecting the masses
- nice bar... really nice bar -

your death is in passage, like meth to the crack eds
this cat experiments with losing and is perfecting the habit
- a southern' drawal is the only way you'd be able to fit of this rhyme structure (crack eds/ha-bit)-

ill end this in fashion, yours bars are lame today
mine are off the hook like fucking tailor made
- kids still say "off the hook"? oh well, it fit well and I like the punch, but again, off the hook/tailor made is a 2000/2001 punchline

All in all, your flow kept everything together well and punchlines (slightly played) were on point and not forced.

keep reppin' Tok.

[token jesture]

cheers rig that the sort of feedback i need man much appreciated
jus so u know i was like 9-10 in 2000 lol

[-MenaCe-]

Token Jesture wins by DQ..