Fall in love

[deafshady]

I fall in love, hardly.
How hardly deep I am in love?
It can be fall enough, deep far enough to reach the bottom of the ocean.
I want to dive in the ocean, to touch the bottom of the ocean.
So, she can know that I am falling more.
I will never stop swimming in the ocean, even though if I am lost
She will rescue me, knowing that she love me too.
*
My woman set me free.
That why I dive in the ocean to reach the bottom.
So, she can let me fall in love more, every each day.
I want my body to float on top of the ocean at night time, watching the star shooting everywhere.
Singing a song, happily in love forever.
No pain, no hate.
I will never stop swimming in the ocean, even though if I am drowning
She will rescue me, knowing that she love me too.

[deafshady]

LMAO!! YO COMPLEXITY TRY FIND THE LINK OF WEBSITE COS THIS TIME I AINT BITE!

[Borat]

Needs more creativity, lacks emotion. I would say focus more on writing for yourself... seems like your just half assing your writting. Put some more umf into it... and if it was you that wrote this then... imma say it was better than those "other" posts you made.

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[Eminent]

I see where you were going but very redundent. Ocean love blah you repeated the same thing slightly worded different you should really write and research ocean love and metaphores. Keep it up.

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[Glamtrash]

They're right. Using the ocean over and over again as what I'm assuming is supposed to be a forced metaphor makes for a very boring piece. Given the piece is actually yours (which btw, it very well could be due to the wording and layout), you have the basic idea. But a) you need to dig deeper. If you're going to write about love, make it pining, aching love. We need to feel it too, and that just didn't do it for me. And b) continue working on your language. It's hard to really FEEL something when all you want to do is fix the spelling and grammar errors. Nail those two things and you're set.

On another note; Stop being so fucking defensive about being a biter. You were caught. Of course you're going to be ridiculed, but it is what it is. That's fucking low, dude. But, you made the decision to come back and redeem yourself. Good for you. Just know that freaking out will get you nowhere. You will be monitored (as you've already figured out), but as long as everything from here on out is your original shit, there won't be any problems.

Best of luck to you and your new (Original - last chance, kid.) writing/illest career.

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