Memories
Moderators: Loon E Lou, Enlightend
- Jsteel
- Rhyme Master
- Posts: 153
- Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2011 11:59 pm
- Wins: 3
- Losses: 17
- Location: south africa,durban
Memories
Memories
Thought the only way to stop memories is as a weed and drink consumer//
I tryto dissolve memories in that acid solution//
rapid confusion as the coffin refuses to de-evolve when buried deep.it holds me captive,just losin//
Strapped to the gruesome-ness ,problems consumes us//
When i see if its gone then,thats when the coffin covers my mind//
Cant breathe,no breath for long as the air is not in the design//
feel weak,still stressed ponderin ,not stoppin on my death bedz time //
The embryo grew to a fetus ,the fetus left the womb //
She was scared and abused,pushing it out tearing her tissues//
Never~ knew,that as she reminisced,a better ~view barracaded with sick news//
Enter~ woes ,thought she dreamt -this- twist that let ~her~ lose,lost
cuz a dick bruised//
Her heaven~ moved,if only she never step -in- rich `ness of the better ~dude her mind would live good//
Let the baby go cuz she hated its father//
created a harder life,mistakes just haunt her mind//i relate to her darker sight//cant see the road ahead,all the light is behind//
Makes me start attacking the blackness like a samurai//
Once i `ve played my tactics and the habits died,//
Blood on the floor,bad hits as the innocent fell in my fight //
[ Post made via Mobile Device ]
-- Sun Nov 20, 2011 5:03 pm --
-- Sun Nov 20, 2011 5:04 pm --
Il add my links to feed i left juzt now
-- Sun Nov 20, 2011 5:38 pm --
www.illestlyrics.com/board/frightened-vt-24722.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/a-ser ... 23866.html
Thought the only way to stop memories is as a weed and drink consumer//
I tryto dissolve memories in that acid solution//
rapid confusion as the coffin refuses to de-evolve when buried deep.it holds me captive,just losin//
Strapped to the gruesome-ness ,problems consumes us//
When i see if its gone then,thats when the coffin covers my mind//
Cant breathe,no breath for long as the air is not in the design//
feel weak,still stressed ponderin ,not stoppin on my death bedz time //
The embryo grew to a fetus ,the fetus left the womb //
She was scared and abused,pushing it out tearing her tissues//
Never~ knew,that as she reminisced,a better ~view barracaded with sick news//
Enter~ woes ,thought she dreamt -this- twist that let ~her~ lose,lost
cuz a dick bruised//
Her heaven~ moved,if only she never step -in- rich `ness of the better ~dude her mind would live good//
Let the baby go cuz she hated its father//
created a harder life,mistakes just haunt her mind//i relate to her darker sight//cant see the road ahead,all the light is behind//
Makes me start attacking the blackness like a samurai//
Once i `ve played my tactics and the habits died,//
Blood on the floor,bad hits as the innocent fell in my fight //
[ Post made via Mobile Device ]
-- Sun Nov 20, 2011 5:03 pm --
-- Sun Nov 20, 2011 5:04 pm --
Il add my links to feed i left juzt now
-- Sun Nov 20, 2011 5:38 pm --
www.illestlyrics.com/board/frightened-vt-24722.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/a-ser ... 23866.html
- Alvin
- Sudonim Free
- Posts: 1958
- Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2010 6:09 am
- Wins: 8
- Losses: 3
- No Shows: 1
- Location: CA
Re: Memories
not bad man, its nice to see you try and improve on the structure. The story was pretty cool, saw some minor attempts at presentation with the - - shit, and it was alright, would have been nicer to see those multies through out the netire pice... keep posting man, welcome back
Re: Memories
some good ish bro, nice imagery...
- Glamtrash
- Poetic Juggernaut
- Posts: 1498
- Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 3:42 pm
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- Location: Where the Treetops Kiss the Stars
Re: Memories
I liked the story and although I found it a little difficult to follow at times, it was worth the read. Welcome back, I hope to see more from you soon.
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- MonuMental
- Hairy Scoundrel
- Posts: 528
- Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2011 9:09 pm
- Location: Leland, MS
Re: Memories
Yeah, I agree with Glam on this one. A few times it threw me off, but nothing really off setting, it was a refreshing lil piece. Nice to see some emotional content here, always takes the mind back. Stay up.
[center]Peel back the facade and behold a bold insanity,
With no repose or vanity, composed of inhumanity.[/center]
[center][/center]
[center][/center]
[center][/center]
[center]Illest Awards For 2011:
Text MC of the Year- MonuMental
Class of 2011- MonuMental, Enlightend, 3rd String, CBK, and Pest
Writer of the Year- MonuMental
Written of the Year- MonuMental 'A Series of Unfortunate Events'[/center]
[center]a-series-of-unfortunate-events-vt23866.html[/center]
With no repose or vanity, composed of inhumanity.[/center]
[center][/center]
[center][/center]
[center][/center]
[center]Illest Awards For 2011:
Text MC of the Year- MonuMental
Class of 2011- MonuMental, Enlightend, 3rd String, CBK, and Pest
Writer of the Year- MonuMental
Written of the Year- MonuMental 'A Series of Unfortunate Events'[/center]
[center]a-series-of-unfortunate-events-vt23866.html[/center]
- NeverOddOrEven
- The Prophet of Poetry
- Posts: 96
- Joined: Sat Jul 02, 2011 6:20 am
- Wins: 3
- No Shows: 1
Re: Memories
you got the talent for good bars and the ability to choose the write words to draw emotion...
i think you just need to spend more time editing and refining your lyrics and structure so everyone can read the full effect of a perfected piece
i think you just need to spend more time editing and refining your lyrics and structure so everyone can read the full effect of a perfected piece
- Jsteel
- Rhyme Master
- Posts: 153
- Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2011 11:59 pm
- Wins: 3
- Losses: 17
- Location: south africa,durban
Re: Memories
Thanks for the feed yall
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Re: Memories
Pretty decent content. Was a lot easier to follow than paragraph form. Some of the lines were basic but overall, it was a step up.
Battle Record
40-2
40-2
2010 Awards
Illest Battler || Illest Punchline Artist || Battle of the Year -vs- Cee4
- Jsteel
- Rhyme Master
- Posts: 153
- Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2011 11:59 pm
- Wins: 3
- Losses: 17
- Location: south africa,durban
Re: Memories
I wrote this at my weakest.wrote this after 15 days cuz of grade 12 exams..so thats why it aint as deep and tight as i like to gett
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- Kau the Lion
- Boobs Indeed
- Posts: 790
- Joined: Wed Aug 04, 2010 8:58 pm
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- Contact:
Re: Memories
The flow threw me off a few spots in the first half but I really liked the flow in the second half. Good choice of words in this piece, too. Created some strong imagery and emotion.
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