Memories

Drop your written rhymes in one of the largest collections of original rhymes on the internet. The feedback in our Written Rhymes section will simply amaze you.

Moderators: Loon E Lou, Enlightend

Post Reply
User avatar
Jsteel
Rhyme Master
Offline
Posts: 153
Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2011 11:59 pm
Wins: 3
Losses: 17
Location: south africa,durban

Memories

Post by Jsteel »

Memories

Thought the only way to stop memories is as a weed and drink consumer//

I tryto dissolve memories in that acid solution//

rapid confusion as the coffin refuses to de-evolve when buried deep.it holds me captive,just losin//

Strapped to the gruesome-ness ,problems consumes us//

When i see if its gone then,thats when the coffin covers my mind//

Cant breathe,no breath for long as the air is not in the design//

feel weak,still stressed ponderin ,not stoppin on my death bedz time //

The embryo grew to a fetus ,the fetus left the womb //

She was scared and abused,pushing it out tearing her tissues//
Never~ knew,that as she reminisced,a better ~view barracaded with sick news//

Enter~ woes ,thought she dreamt -this- twist that let ~her~ lose,lost
cuz a dick bruised//

Her heaven~ moved,if only she never step -in- rich `ness of the better ~dude her mind would live good//

Let the baby go cuz she hated its father//

created a harder life,mistakes just haunt her mind//i relate to her darker sight//cant see the road ahead,all the light is behind//

Makes me start attacking the blackness like a samurai//

Once i `ve played my tactics and the habits died,//

Blood on the floor,bad hits as the innocent fell in my fight //

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image

-- Sun Nov 20, 2011 5:03 pm --



-- Sun Nov 20, 2011 5:04 pm --

Il add my links to feed i left juzt now

-- Sun Nov 20, 2011 5:38 pm --

www.illestlyrics.com/board/frightened-vt-24722.html

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/a-ser ... 23866.html
User avatar
Alvin
Sudonim Free
Offline
Posts: 1958
Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2010 6:09 am
Wins: 8
Losses: 3
No Shows: 1
Location: CA

Re: Memories

Post by Alvin »

not bad man, its nice to see you try and improve on the structure. The story was pretty cool, saw some minor attempts at presentation with the - - shit, and it was alright, would have been nicer to see those multies through out the netire pice... keep posting man, welcome back
User avatar
ILLoKWENT
Lyrically Inclined
Offline
Posts: 125
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2011 6:16 pm
Wins: 4
Losses: 2

Re: Memories

Post by ILLoKWENT »

some good ish bro, nice imagery...
User avatar
Glamtrash
Poetic Juggernaut
Offline
Posts: 1498
Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 3:42 pm
Wins: 0
Losses: 0
Location: Where the Treetops Kiss the Stars

Re: Memories

Post by Glamtrash »

I liked the story and although I found it a little difficult to follow at times, it was worth the read. Welcome back, I hope to see more from you soon.

[ Post made via Android ] Image
User avatar
MonuMental
Hairy Scoundrel
Offline
Posts: 528
Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2011 9:09 pm
Location: Leland, MS

Re: Memories

Post by MonuMental »

Yeah, I agree with Glam on this one. A few times it threw me off, but nothing really off setting, it was a refreshing lil piece. Nice to see some emotional content here, always takes the mind back. Stay up.
[center]Peel back the facade and behold a bold insanity,
With no repose or vanity, composed of inhumanity.[/center]
[center]Image[/center]
[center]Image[/center]
[center]Image[/center]
[center]Illest Awards For 2011:
Text MC of the Year- MonuMental
Class of 2011- MonuMental, Enlightend, 3rd String, CBK, and Pest
Writer of the Year- MonuMental
Written of the Year- MonuMental 'A Series of Unfortunate Events'[/center]

[center]a-series-of-unfortunate-events-vt23866.html[/center]
User avatar
NeverOddOrEven
The Prophet of Poetry
Offline
Posts: 96
Joined: Sat Jul 02, 2011 6:20 am
Wins: 3
No Shows: 1

Re: Memories

Post by NeverOddOrEven »

you got the talent for good bars and the ability to choose the write words to draw emotion...

i think you just need to spend more time editing and refining your lyrics and structure so everyone can read the full effect of a perfected piece
User avatar
Jsteel
Rhyme Master
Offline
Posts: 153
Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2011 11:59 pm
Wins: 3
Losses: 17
Location: south africa,durban

Re: Memories

Post by Jsteel »

Thanks for the feed yall

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image
User avatar
JDR
Da Punchline King
Offline
Posts: 878
Joined: Sat Jan 23, 2010 12:13 pm
Wins: 48
Losses: 3
No Shows: 3

Re: Memories

Post by JDR »

Pretty decent content. Was a lot easier to follow than paragraph form. Some of the lines were basic but overall, it was a step up.
Battle Record
40-2
Image
2010 Awards
Illest Battler || Illest Punchline Artist || Battle of the Year -vs- Cee4
User avatar
Jsteel
Rhyme Master
Offline
Posts: 153
Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2011 11:59 pm
Wins: 3
Losses: 17
Location: south africa,durban

Re: Memories

Post by Jsteel »

I wrote this at my weakest.wrote this after 15 days cuz of grade 12 exams..so thats why it aint as deep and tight as i like to gett

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image
User avatar
Kau the Lion
Boobs Indeed
Offline
Posts: 790
Joined: Wed Aug 04, 2010 8:58 pm
Wins: 29
Losses: 10
Location: Chicken Skull
Contact:

Re: Memories

Post by Kau the Lion »

The flow threw me off a few spots in the first half but I really liked the flow in the second half. Good choice of words in this piece, too. Created some strong imagery and emotion.

[ Post made via Samsung Epic ] Image
Image
Post Reply

Return to “Written Rhymes”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Ahrefs [Bot] and 8 guests