Am I getting better?

TakTix · Post by **TakTix** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 1:10 pm

MY SOUL IS BEGGING TO BE FORGIVING, BUT GOD TELLS ME HE DONT WANT ME LIVING
BUT YOU KNOW I AINT GONNA BE TRIPPIN, IMA BE IN HELL WHERE I CAN STILL BE RIPPING
FROM THAT BOMB SACK OF THAT WEED, GOD PUNISHES ME FOR MY SINS OF GREED
PICKING MONEY OVER REAL NEEDS, BUT IM STILL SAYING FUCK YOU WHEN MY HEART BLEEDS
AFTER GOD GRABS IT AND CLASPS IT TIGHT, BUT HE BETTER KNOW I DONT GO WITHOUT A FIGHT
BECAUSE I WONT LET NO ONE TAKE ME TONIGHT, I WONT EVER GIVE UP I GIVE IT ALL MY MIGHT
SO I CAN BE RELEASED FROM HIS DEVESTATION, I YELL AS HIS SPEAR DOES ITS PENETRATION
INTO MY BODY I FEEL FUSTRATION, BECAUSE HE IS KILLING HIS ONE AND ONLY CREATION
HE THINKS THE BATTLE IS FINALLY WON, BUT HE DOENST KNOW I BARELY HAVE BEGUN
MY POWER IN THIS GAME CAN NEVER BE OUTDONE, FOR I AM THE LAST AND ONLY ONE

Ambiguous Realm · Post by **Ambiguous Realm** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 2:40 am

u tell me..it seems the same as ur others.. maybe .01% better lol

complexity · Post by **complexity** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 2:41 am

A little better, keep it up!

Ambiguous Realm · Post by **Ambiguous Realm** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 2:49 am

... u can barely keep IT up...

Invincible · Post by **Invincible** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 3:29 am

you're getting better man the reason ekoms doesn't realize a change becuase he has a different style and a lot of people do. it doesn't mean they're better than you or you're better. poetry is a way of expressing one's emotions and art is in the eye of the beholder just keep at it man

TakTix · Post by **TakTix** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 5:12 am

Aight thanx for the feed nad ekoms thats for the neg stuff just making me better

Ambiguous Realm · Post by **Ambiguous Realm** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 5:21 am

in that case.. u fucking suck

Ambiguous Realm · Post by **Ambiguous Realm** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 5:21 am

oh.. yea.. ur welcome lol

8th · Post by **8th** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 5:57 am

its kinda better than your first ones. One of the problems is, the lines are to stretched out, so it would be difficult to translate this into audio. [unless you wrote to a beat and you can make it work]

you should probably write to a beat, so that you can practice ridin a beat, and workin on your flow. Your still using basic words, so it makes the rhyme seem more simplistic. try to up your vocabulary. It was a decent topic so no complaints there. And i notice you tried to use more multis, which is a good thing, but if you would have shorten the lines and not spaced them out so far apart, it would have made it much better. And you kind of have a lot of filler words in your bars. Words that are not neccessary for what your trying to get across and are just hindering the flow. But yeah, work on line length, vocabulary, multis and flow

complexity · Post by **complexity** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 6:04 am

Good point, bars could be half the size, and still just as effective.

Invincible · Post by **Invincible** » Thu Oct 12, 2006 10:44 am

That's what I need to work on.

drunken jesus · Post by **drunken jesus** » Thu Oct 12, 2006 11:44 am

nope this ain't any better

Subsist · Post by **Subsist** » Thu Oct 12, 2006 8:07 pm

the topic just plain sucks and lacks interesting things like - humour - unique point of views -similies.

precise · Post by **precise** » Thu Oct 12, 2006 9:18 pm

the topic doesnt suck ^

keep workin on that rhymescheme. i see your goin for the multies, but i noticed the rhymes are mainly just random words that end with "ING" or "TION" and those are all that is really rhyming, and they are the same thing, which is what makes it seem more simple

for instance "devistation" and "levitation" would be better because the entire words rhyme, "devistation" and "frustration" dont really rhyme

anyways keep workin on it man

complexity · Post by **complexity** » Sun Oct 15, 2006 7:25 am

Took me so long to fucking realize that ^

Am I getting better?

Am I getting better?

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