Jsteel vs Enlightened (topical)

[Jsteel]

10 bars,4 days to post after check ins ...house rules,no one under 50 posts can vote,...topic to be decided by third person ...il await that then check in

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

-- Tue Jun 28, 2011 9:50 am --

Topic decided by k panda :The ghost in your family tree this is my check

[Enlightend]

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/splas ... ml#p176184
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/arcan ... ml#p176174

My vote links

check

-- Thu Jun 30, 2011 12:51 pm --

Italy the year 2078...

a young woman sits and then waits...near a giant tree, and her favorite listening place
today she would meet with this friend... 95 old with secrets hidden within a grimacing face
as if she had the key to the place this prison encased... and once the lock was unlatched
they would walk on a path old and worn with cobble thats cracked... talk of the past

it starts with a cough and a gasp....

lets see he says seven/three/eight three my birthday, the reason why Gretchen Leeds hated me
she wanted a daughter we were twins she lost her... i was fostered... Gretchen weeped daily
destiny? maybe, but she walked into the Ionian Sea hands up she was cluching rosery beads
she stood under the water frozen it seemed ready to die alone with only the ocean to breath
can u picture a worse scene? i was 13, seen it all... i yelled out why me a curse undeamed
in sleep the day would replay .. i would burst in screams while i was still immersed in dreams
survived unloved disdained... then rised above it again... to thrive in love... and gain....
meaning... despite the bullshit live life to the fullest... it derived from mothers sick pain
then she speaks to him "Ur walk it has come to end.. OUR mother her life it has begun again
this path is only taken when Ur ready not to run and then... u rest amongst loved ones and friends
through tears and grief he managed to speak "are u my sister".. she hands him her damaged leaf
now he can barely breath... she says to him "now its time to take Ur place upon the family tree"

[Jsteel]

In a real dirty-dark-
spot, found in lying down/
I see-a
-thirsty-heart-not
pounding ,drying-out/
These
hurting-shots-stop-now,shes
dying foul/
she's cursing-hard-
got-out-him,rising now(to
heaven)
He's born into death,before he
can be formed into flesh./
A raw
fetus messed the floor of the
store where she rests/
I stand tall
viewing them, impure as its my
baby forced to death./
A damn
whore to me I've left,i sin more ,im
30, shes just a spec /
14 Year old,
I leave her and my
baby sleeping/
forcing her yo
from my leash of semen/
The
time speeds,my mind heals and
for-gets /
A life i lead,where my
dreams are all-blessed/
My wife
feels her belly rising./
9 months
down the line,its very surprising /
So much pain now in my prime, a
deadly finding./
My baby born
limbless with no eyes, a hurtful
sighting/
Haunted by the ghost of
my son/ forcing a look at my new
one ,
I see my sin i had done/
Cant
take it anymore, picked up a
gun, weeping as fears eat me up
/ I blew my self away to death
B, the end of my fun ///

-- Sat Jul 02, 2011 2:05 am --

My links http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/mutua ... 23003.html www.illestlyrics.com/board/eckstasy-vt22888.html

[Alvin]

Wow, hats off to the both of you. Seriously, both came with their own original concepts, delivery and execution of the topic. J, I saw some mediocre multies, some good imagery, and overall in a wy u stayed on topic. Enlightend, geesh man, the story was insanely crafted. Your rhyme scheme I pretty dope. Overall, I have to give this to enlightened, he just took his story a step further and painted a better picture. MVGT LIGHT.

[ Post made via iPhone ]

[Blake Downs]

pretty sick,
storytelling:tie,delivery:j,flow:enlightened,multies:jsteel,
storystrucutre:jsteel
mvgt:jsteel

[Arcane]

alright,
really nice read from both contenders.

Enlightened:
i think your flow edged out. Your over all story appealed to me and painted a cleat picture as you went along, and the emotion of the whole thing was easily felt. You remained consistent from the very beginning line to the strong ending. I enjoyed reading your piece abit more

Fav line: through tears and grief he managed to speak "are u my sister".. she hands him her damaged leaf
now he can barely breath... she says to him "now its time to take Ur place upon the family tree"


JSteel:
your imagery to your peice was amazing and in my opinion you edged out more creating the picture in the readers mind. Your flow was alright, i think you definetly took the multies. but your structure made it abit more complicated to read and threw me off here and there.

Fav line:He's born into death,before he
can be formed into flesh./
A raw
fetus messed the floor of the
store where she rests/ (DAMN)

MVGT:
Light

[jayzon_black]

Hats off to the both of you, the imagery is intense.

J: The story is powerful, and not just powerful, it was insanely emotional. The multies in the beginning of the phrases where nice at first and then seemed a little forced as you continued. Lyrically it was on hit, but lost track in a couple of places. I think that was more structural than anything else because it made it harder to read than it might be to deliver.

Enlightened: Game over...hands down, while J's story was extremely emotional, you killed it across the board. The depth and detail was impeccable. The story telling was so hot, dayum!!! Definitely painted a picture.

MVGT: Enlightened

[Kause mc]

Jayzon i dnt think ur vote counts bro

Ok this is a sick battle, really enjoyed this shit for real.

Flow: Light
Storytelling: close! But, light took it
Multi's: tie. Both came decent imo. Nothing too forced
Enjoyment: lights is an easier read to b honest.

MVGT: light

[ Post made via iPhone ]

[Kuhlerblynd]

Interesting battle, and angles for which your verses were put together. Stell, I was very much impressed with how you seemed to be stepping up your game, nicely done.

As far as putting my vote though, I'm going to have to go with Enlightened, and here's why... His use of multi's and cleanly done flow really made his lines stand out more to me, and made his piece over-all more entertaining. I think the twist that Steel put at the end of his piece was a nice addition to his over-all verse, but Enlightened was able to give alot of deep imagery and really paint a nice picture throughout his verse.

Great job guys, this was a good battle


Thread closed and records updated.